Subsequent
Truth is, I talked about you to everyone for almost one thousand and sixty six days. I wrote two hundred and twenty letters, and my mind is still fixed I am only going to keep going and write more of these letters.
The first time I saw you I really did not like the way you looked up close because I had only seen pictures of you on the internet, I thought you were too simple looking which is true you looked very simple that day. We sat down on the stair steps next to the ice cream shop and smoked a cigarette, the conversation was not boring but it was too intense that I was shaking the whole time, I tried to make you laugh because over texts before I meet you I was being funny and I did not want you to think otherwise, that I am boring so I sucked it up and disregarded the fact that I looked ugly that day and had the guts to say something to your face and actually make you laugh and I think you really liked me, you laughed at everything I had to say and as soon as you smiled I instantly changed my mind about the way you looked and i thought then you were very beautiful, like how did I not see it at first, you are so gorgeous, actually you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life.
You invited me to a party the next day, we lived in a small town everyone knew everyone so I knew what party you were talking about and I really did not want to go but I actually considered it, and I did go. We kept seated the whole time at the party just talking to each other I found you very interesting it was unbelievable.
The third time I saw you I realized that I have seen you before, like at least three times before we had met.
I saw you four weeks before we met at the same stair steps next to the ice cream shop with your friend, I wanted to come over and talk to you but the minute I started walking towards you, you got up and left.
I also saw you two weeks before we met at the coffee shop I always go to,
my friends and I had never seen anything so beautiful walk inside the place. You sat across me I knew the guy that was sitting next to you but not personally and it looked like he was your boyfriend because of the way he looked at you, held your hand, and the way you looked like you were uncomfortable and bored of him. I wished I was sitting next to you but I didn’t have the balls to talk to you and I knew I would never see you again. The craziest thing ever is that I did not know it was you each time I saw you, you looked prettier and prettier each time I saw you. When I officially met you I knew we were meant to be. You filled my head with all that talk about twin flames that even if we separate we will find our way back to each other. When I dated you I did not know what I had, I romanticized your borderline personality disorder,
and I objectified you because I was fond of you, I know you must really think I am sick and if we are being honest, I really think I am mental when it comes to you.
I still romanticized your disorder as you cried because I am a sad sadistic jerk
so I used visualize sex all the time,
from dressing down to fingering
as you were feeling disconsolate.
Everything was great I learned to love you, you were something new to me I never met anyone like you but until that incident, the mess I made.
It has been three years since our break up but I waited for you, I am still waiting for you but how soon is now? I think you liked Morrissey from The Smiths more than you ever liked me.
There is a song that reminds me of you
that makes me feel nostalgic and ambivalent at the same time because
you fell out of love with me.. I do not even remember you ever fell in love with me in the first place.
I tried asking for forgiveness although I am really not religious not even christian but I am starting to get jealous of all the crosses you have ever worn around your neck and I wonder what they mean to you and I wish that you can let me touch your neck one more time like those crosses do.
I never really knew where to put my hands when we used to make love, you used to make me feel nervous
but all I knew is that
we were skin on skin on skin.
I called it the extreme platonic love
because I never got to touch your soul.
Today at this time of the year is three days before I met you three years ago and
today, I am still deeply in love with you
but today, your are deeply in love with the hands of the person that is touching you down there.
I used to love all the sounds that you used to make, it used to ameliorate me
but now I don't get to hear your voice anymore but I can still remember how it felt so I am just okay.
I keep dreaming of you and of the day that I would finally see you again and apologize I know you resent me but believe me I still self loathe for not treating you the way you should have been treated.
After you, I changed and I no longer know how it feels like to really love again and it is exhausting. Sometimes I really think you cursed me, I mean literally I remember the day you told me you were into witch crafting, I might sound dumb but I really think you cursed me because I subject myself to you and I found contentment in that, which is very awful.
I know I will never see you again and it makes me want to die just as bad as Romeo did. If you ever read this understand that I am still in love with you.
