Viral

The beds of fingertips slide up my thigh and over my mouth simultaneously. I can’t move, I can’t breathe, and for some reason I don’t want to. Why does fear cement us into place and create a space for the unknown? Only darkness lives there.

My eyes search the room and all I can gather in the sea of darkness that should be my bedroom are shadow figures and hushed whispers. I feel him before I see him. His familiar scent, that had once been so relaxing, felt so suffocating all of a sudden. “Ryland it’s ok you were just having a nightmare. I’m here, it’s ok.” His hands danced around my body touching places sunlight had never seen.

If I was having a nightmare, now awake…what is this?

I tried to shift from under him. If I could just take a deep breath, maybe I will be ok. Maybe this is ok? “I’m here, I’ll make it better.” He planted kisses down my cheek before removing his hand from my mouth. His blue eyes looked black in the darkness. They carried secrets and possession. I had never been kissed before. Was I supposed to kiss him back even if I don’t want to? Is it wrong to say no?

Where is my voice?

I shot up in bed looking around my room. I was alone, the moonlight spilling through my window reassured me of that. When I fall asleep my mind wanders to memories I had caged away. My heartbeat was vibrating in my ear drums. I should no longer fear a memory. I’m older now. Finally in control of my life.

The darkness that once controlled me fuels desire within me now. It created a problem I can’t control and urges I couldn’t tell anyone about. I slid out of bed and stood before the body length mirror along the side of my wall. I locked my bedroom door before pulling the scrunchie in my hair releasing a sea of black waves down my back. In the privacy of my room I was a woman, beautiful and unbroken. I grabbed my mother’s red lipstick I had stolen from the top drawer in my night stand and brushed it across my lips.

I pulled my oversized t-shirt over my head then stared at my reflection. The body I worked so hard to shield from the world now entices me in the darkness. I let my hands dance over my body like the man’s in my nightmares had. Now I’m in control.

I sat down on the floor spreading my legs to give a myself full view. When I had these urges I couldn’t extinguish them unless I could watch myself do it. Something about my pale skin and dark hair made me look villainous. I liked it. I fought the urge to touch myself as long as I could. The longer I could wait the better it would be when I got there. Releasing all the breath in my lungs I let my fingers trace down my chest until I reached the warm spot between my legs. This is what peace feels like.

I was silenced once. Told not to scream. That was years ago, when I had no control no choice. But now I have one I could never cage my voice again. And whenever I felt the need to moan, or scream I would. If it made me feel good I did it. I would let my back arch, my hips buck, and my hands roam. I never recognized myself in the mirror which is what made it so exhilarating to me.

A felt a moan creeping from the back of my throat then across my tongue. Power. It radiated from between my legs, I just needed to release it. My chest heaving I let my fingers slide inside of myself. Coating my fingers in the warmth my eyes rolled into the back of my head. Euphoria.

I imagined It was August Jenson touching me. He was a sculpted brown-haired green-eyed midi-God in the form of an 18 year old. Ok fine he isn’t immortal but his body is nothing short of Godly. I know I have seen it 1,357 times this summer as he ripped off his shirt in our daily neighborhood basketball games. Not that he would notice me in my oversized clothes. I was one of the guys, I have been since I was eight. That’s when I decided being a girl had gotten me into too much trouble and began hiding inside of myself. But no one told that to the puberty fairy who thought it would be a brilliant idea to bless me with double D’s at 16.

The more I let my mind wander it was like I could feel him touching me, kissing me, whispering my name in ecstasy. I could feel my breath hitch in my throat. I was almost there. I heard the low hum of my phone vibrate against my bedsheets. I

chose to ignore it and let my fingers disappear further inside of myself.

I gasped as my phone fell from my bed. I snatched my legs shut feeling so dirty all of a sudden. My eyes darted to my phone screen. It was just Finn. He should be asleep by now but whenever he can’t he texts me, I’m always up before the sun.

Open your window I’m coming over. Shit. Finn literally lived next door, he’s been my neighbor and designated best friend since before we could walk. He knew almost everything about me…except the issue I had with my urges. How long ago had he sent that message? How much time did I have to change myself from behind-closed-doors-Ryland into everyday-one-of-the-guys-Beckett? I heard a light tap on the window before I pulled my oversized t-shirt back over my head. I slide my white cotton underwear to my hips and kicked my bra under the bed. Thank God my blinds had been closed.

Before I can even fully open the window Finn was stepping in. His blond hair spilling into the room before he was. He probably hadn’t gotten a haircut in the last three years, who was he trying to be, Thor? “Finn why are you awake? Better question why are you sneaking through my window at 3 AM?”

He was already sliding his shoes off making himself comfortable. “You’ll never believe what just happened. I had to tell you how my date went.” His dark blue eyes finally met mine. I hate the color blue. “Whoa… you look like a girl.”

I felt my eyes drop to my thighs where my t-shirt rested. My hair was always twisted into a bun, out of my eyes and unattractive, yet tonight it was dancing along my face. “I am a girl you idiot.” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. Even though I trusted Finn with my life I felt the need to hide my overgrown bosom.

“Yeah but… are you wearing lipstick?” His eyebrows scrunched as he studied my face.

I turned on the balls of my feet and began wiping my lips with the back of my hand. “What? No!” I heard him chuckled behind me as I retreated back to my bed. I silently prayed the room didn’t smell like my previous arousal. “Anyway, why are you here? What happened, and why couldn’t it wait until tomorrow?”

My bed sank under his weight as he sat down next to me. “It’s Carly.” He said her name in a breathy way that instantly annoyed me. I hate Carly Winston for all the obvious reasons: rich, popular, blonde. She was the definition of a bitch and for some reason Finn loved her. And for that very reason I had to be around her and hear about all the annoying things she does that Finn found attractive. He must have sensed my annoyance. “Come on Ry, just hear me out.”

Finn was the only person under the sun who could still call me Ryland or any version of it. Even my mother had to refer to me by my last name, Beckett. The name itself was now cringey to me, except when it was coming from Finn. “Fine what is it?”

“Well after we went out I pulled up at her house to drop her off. Instead of getting out of the car all of a sudden she’s straddling me in the front seat. She’s kissing me, like kissing me like she wants me to take her right there.” Here is where I would normally call her a slut, but she was literally the furthest thing from it. A virginal princess that literally everyone wanted a piece of yet somehow Finn of all people got a hold of her. “Then she just slides out the car like my blue balls don’t matter! So my mind is racing all the way home about what just happened she never takes control like that, hell whenever I try she stops me. But I couldn’t get my mind off that moment in the car so I was like hell I’m just going to go for it. I told her to send me a pic… get this she did. I think this virgin ship is finally about to sail.” He sighed throwing his back against my bed.

I followed suit and laid down next to him my feet hanging off the bed. “Let me see.” His eyes slowly met mine before his signature goofy smile etched itself across his face. The first image was of her in a matching red bra and panty set. I rolled my eyes. She was naturally pretty but she wasn’t all that. I swiped to the next picture of her completely nude. Her face wasn’t in the picture but it was definitely her. Her boobs, although smaller than mine looked perfect. I felt my eyes widen and Finn’s stare on my face. I pointed my finger to swipe again when Finn’s voice stopped me.

“I’d slow down with that swiping finger before you see parts of me you don’t want to see.” He chuckled as I passed him back his phone.

“So raunchy pics are all it takes for a guy to know you want him huh?” Finn rolled to his side to face me. His finger traced the scar below my bottom lip. He’s never asked me how I got it, I felt like a part of him knew it was self-inflicted from a time I was willing myself not to scream.

“Why don’t you take some and send them to August to find out?”

I scoffed and sat up at the same time he did. “Pst, whatever I don’t like August.” Despite August being at a constant arms reach mentally and physically, he’s never truly noticed me. He ran in my friend group but the only person I really claimed as my own was Finn. The rest of them hardly knew anything about me.

“Sure, you don’t. You probably have a ‘Hey Arnold’ like bubble gum shrine of him under your bed.” He joked bending over and peaking under the bed as if he was really going to find it there. He began walking back towards the window throwing my bra over his head. The huge cups made him look like a giant fly.”

“Finn!” I screamed probably a little too loud for my mother to be home.

“I could hear you, you know. When I was standing at your window. What were you in here doing?” His eyebrows scrunched again studying my face but this time from across the room. I tried to swallow my embarrassment but fell into a coughing fit instead. He had to be lying. “Oh, August. Yes! Right there!” He moaned apparently mimicking me.

I snatched my alarm clock from my nightstand and chucked it as hard as I could at Finn’s head. My hand eye coordination is impeccable and would have landed at my target had he not stepped aside the last moment sending the clock crashing into my mirror. The pieces shattering across my bedroom floor. Finn and I slowly made eye contact before he spoke flinging his left leg out of my window. “That’s seven years bad luck.”

I rolled my eyes and buried myself beneath my bedsheets. My mirror was shattered and so was my dreams of releasing tonight. I sighed. Slightly turned on at being caught masturbating even if it was just by Finn, and fully frustrated that my mirror was gone, and I couldn’t release.

There’s no such thing as bad luck.