Aching for Adam

I walked over to where the sound was coming from, but I couldn’t find my cell phone in the monumental mess that was our apartment. After the third ring, I finally spotted it and picked up.

“Oh, hey Mom.” I rolled my eyes. “Yes, I know you saw it on Faceb—yes...no...” I sighed. “I actually got an invitation.”

I had to lift the phone from my ear. “Woah, calm down!”

I had received the wedding invitation weeks ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell my mom because of this very reaction. I knew she would beg me to go, but there wasn’t enough money in the world. I wasn’t about to show my face at that wedding.

Adam’s sister’s wedding. More precisely, my ex’s sister’s wedding.

Not that there was bad blood between us, not that Adam and I had parted on horrible terms either. It was just... I didn’t want to see them again. I didn’t want to be reminded of the lovely family and life I’d left behind when I walked away from Adam.

Sure, I was the one who left—technically speaking—but not because I truly wanted to. I had been offered a job I couldn’t turn down, and I had to move away. I couldn’t force him to do the same. So I left him behind after ten years of friendship, one failed attempt at dating in high school, and then a successful one that led to three years of bliss with the love of my life—or so I thought at the time.

It wasn’t like I could show up and boast about being better off, either. I couldn’t brag about making the right decision. Because I didn’t think I had.

Rick, I regretted to admit, was probably not the best choice when it came to settling down. And not that I was in a rush, but at twenty-eight, I wasn’t getting any younger. I probably should have left him after the first year. Maybe the second. Definitely the third. But I hadn’t.

And I normally wouldn’t be so petty as to parade a new boyfriend, but I knew Adam was in a happy relationship, and I didn’t think I could survive seeing him with someone else. I’d have a monumental meltdown in front of everyone. Not exactly how I liked to spend a Saturday night.

Adam had always felt like mine; I could never imagine him getting married, buying a house...becoming a dad with anyone else. Just thinking about it broke my heart. And I’d had over four years to get used to the idea.

I snapped back to reality and realized my mom was still on the line. “Hello? Elle? Are you there?”

“Yeah, Mom, sorry. I’m not going.” She would have loved nothing more than for me to get back with Adam. Or “Perfect Adam,” as she always called him.

Okay, he was kind of perfect, but there was no way we were ever getting back together. He’d moved on, and my mom needed to as well. As for me trying to get over him—well, let’s just not go there.

“Mom, Rick just got home. Gotta go, love you!” I hung up before she could say another word.

“Hey, babe, what’s for dinner?” Rick asked without even glancing up at me.

“Oh, um, I thought we were going out. I tried to reach you...” I hesitated, and he finally looked up.

“Yeah, sorry, I was busy. So, dinner? I’ve got a thing with the guys later—you gotta make something quick.” I shut my eyes and breathed in through my nose.

“Rick...it’s our four-year anniversary. I reminded you three times last week. I even got you this.” I picked up the small white box with a black ribbon from the table.

“Oh my god, babe, I’m so sorry. Stupid brain, right?” He chuckled and reached for the gift.

“I’m really sorry. It has to be another day, babe. Maybe this weekend? Oh shoot, I’m going out with the guys this weekend—probably just Saturday, but we might do something Friday too. Maybe we can go out next week then?” He gave me a fake smile and added, “Pick someplace cheap, please. I’m trying to save up for a new watch.”

Like the one in the gift box you just tossed onto the couch? I thought.

I tried hard not to roll my eyes. “Sure,” was all I managed to say.

“So, dinner?” he asked again.

“I don’t have anything prepared...”

“You know what, it’s not a problem, babe.” He gave me a proud smile this time, as though he were being accommodating. “I’ll just grab something on the way to Jenna’s place.”

“Jenna’s place?” I asked. It was the third time this week. And one of those nights, he hadn’t come home at all. He had full-on gaslighted me when I’d asked him for an explanation.

“Yeah, she invited a few girlfriends, and a few guys are coming over too.” He changed his T-shirt right there in the living room and continued when I didn’t answer. “I’d invite you, but you don’t know anyone, so it would be pretty awkward.”

“I don’t mind, actually,” I started to say, but he cut me off.

“Next time, maybe. By the way, can I borrow your car? Thanks.” He gave me a quick peck on the cheek while grabbing my keys. “See you later!” he called as he opened the door and left.

I slumped down on the couch.

I wasn’t even mad. Not surprised, either. Just tired. Tired of Rick, tired of always coming in second place, tired of not taking my life into my own hands and finding someone who would actually respect me.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the wedding invitation sitting on top of the pile of papers, screaming at me.

“You know what?” I said aloud. “If Rick’s going to be out all weekend, doing God knows what again, then I’m sure as hell not going to stay here and wait up for him.”