Chapter 1
Dallas’ journal
Usually, I wake up and walk to the bathroom only to find someone else is using it. If only I woke up earlier. My brother is always eating breakfast first in the kitchen, which means he always gets the last bagel, or the last bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. I envy his dedication to be the first one up. I finish getting ready and start driving my 06 civic to school. My music is alright, but all my friends have the best songs and they get to listen to them in their nice speakers in their cars. I lock my car, look around, and can’t help to notice that everyone has a better-looking vehicle then I do. Honestly, I liked my new shoes and how they looked when I was going towards the school, but my buddy got new kicks too, and they’re about 200 dollars more expensive than mine. I thought I was doing fine in my classes. I have mostly A’s and a few B’s. Report cards came out and this one girl got straight A’s. I wish I could bring home a report card with high marks like hers. After school I had basketball practice. It went well, but I felt jealous when it was over. My friend, the star of the team, continuously scored on me every time I tried to guard him. I can’t stop thinking about how good it would feel if I was the one who scored over and over again on him. I went to the parking lot, took a glance at a Z4 beamer, and drove home. I don’t usually go out in the evenings; due to this feeling of jealousy I have towards everyone. I do my best to avoid situations where I know I’ll get jealous, but it is very difficult to do so successfully. A few days back, my younger sister asked my father to help her with homework. I got jealous because she didn’t ask me. I’m never depressed, nervous, angry, happy or scared. My only emotion is jealousy.
Comparing my life to other people’s lives is somethings I always do, but I didn’t realize it or think much of it until now. Whenever something happens to me, I always find a way to feel jealous. If someone is better than me at anything, I start to feel jealous and begin to wish I was them. I broke up with my girlfriend and she started dating another guy. I’m jealous of him, even though I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I want what I don’t have, which only results in jealousy. When my Grandpa passed away, I thought of how happy he was in his life and how he had a peaceful and painless death. I was jealous of how great his life was, even though I still had a long way to go. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. I have realized this feeling of jealousy is not a healthy way of living, so I’m going to try everything to fix this.
I am 18 years old, stand at 6”0, have short dirty blond hair, and usually wear casual clothes like jeans and a t-shirt. Grade 12 went well, as I got good grades, especially in English and Social Studies. People say I’m fairly outgoing. I like to talk in social situations. However, when I start to feel jealous, I tend to get quiet. I shut off from any social events. Throughout my whole life, I am always living with some sort of jealous feeling inside of me, and it kills me inside. Knowing I have a problem with constantly feeling this way, I try to think of other things when I begin to experience this one emotion I always feel.
“Dallas, you good?” my friend always asks. I decided to tell someone about how I feel. His name is Anthony. He is 26 years old and has always been there for me. I’ve known him my whole life and I knew he would understand my situation. Anthony comes from a poor family; he’s never had lots of money, therefore I’m sure he’s experienced jealousy in the past. I told him that jealousy is the only emotion I have ever really felt. Surprisingly, he didn’t think I’m crazy. Instead, he gave me some good advice.
“I bet you feel jealous all the time because you always doubt yourself. Man, you always think about how good people’s lives are, but have you ever taken the time to think about how good yours is? You expect too much of yourself, you want to be the best at everything. The truth is, even if you had the nicest car, or if you were the star of the basketball team, you’d still want more. At some point you have to decide what it is that you want.”
I knew he was right. I’m obsessed with having the nicest car or getting the best grades. I made a mental note which is to try and appreciate the things I already have. When I drove my car home, I noticed a kid my age walking home. He was getting exercise while enjoying the beautiful sunny day it was. Later on, I decided to go on a walk myself. I was walking up the same hill I saw the kid walking up. I was tired, and when a car drove by me, I wished I had a ride up that hill. That’s when I realized how stupid I was acting. I’ve only ever wanted what I don’t currently have.
The next day, I woke up and got ready. I stepped outside, looked at my car, and was grateful I didn’t have to walk up that hill. I felt so grateful to even own a car in the first place. I was in a good mood. I parked right beside the most expensive car in the school parking lot, and didn’t feel the slightest bit jealous. I walked in the school proudly. Later that day when some kid rear ended my car, I got angry. When he began to throw hands, I felt scared. I learned how to experience other emotions I’ve never felt before, and this made my life peaceful.
