Born In April

It’s a beautiful April morning. The rays of light intruding through the blinds. Another reminder I need new blinds, hard to catch extra sleep with those broken slants. Just another thing on my list of to do, a list I acquired as soon as my papa passed away. My parents died while I was 2 in a car accident, leaving me the only family I had left, my Grandparents from my Mom’s side. Being the closest I had to parent’s, I came to call them ‘Mama’ and ‘papa’, but now they are gone and I’ve never felt this empty before, it hurts. Squeezing my eyes shut blockading my tears, now is not the time, I’ve got to figure out the next step.

Looking over on the nightstand the crisp white envelope sat, beckoning me, so with a frown I grabbed the envelope to re-read the contents. The stillness in the room matched my heart as I still try to comprehend what I’m supposed to do. It says I pretty much have to move out of the city and live here in this cottage for the summer. The supposed purpose of this was for me to reconnect? Reconnect with what? I don’t understand any of this, but here I am, inside Ryan and mines apartment. Ryan owns the bar downstairs, which I also work at. It’s how we met, The RoosterRed. I’m still trying to get my name off the ground with my sculptures, not so simple. Speaking of he should be getting up soon, looking over at the numbers on the clock, yep 6:25am. Sitting up in the silence of the room, something doesn’t feel right, it’s too quiet. Usually Ryan is around and if not he’d have woken me.

With an uncertain heart I swung my legs over the side of the bed and slipped my feet into my panda slippers. I learned to expect the worst in people no matter how comfortable you feel or what you may fool yourself with. I know better after losing both my parents. Eventually those you love will disappear. I know better to disillusion myself and here I am. In a steady relationship of almost 2 years I’m a complete hypocrite, yet I can never seem to break this constant shaky feeling that it will happen, as if fate preordained it all. I tell myself I’m happy, but am I? What is happiness? Do I deserve my own piece of Happiness? Is it with Ryan? So many questions that I’m constantly plagued with invade my mind as I wander around the apartment listening for any tell-tale signs of Ryan.

We have a modest studio apartment. It’s actually Ryan’s apartment. He insisted that I sell my apartment because it’d be silly to have two places. The commute would be too much, despite my protests. Logically I knew he was right, but it was the only thing that was mine. Really it was the hardest when my Papa died. I wanted to escape and just let the darkness swallow me whole, even now thinking about it gives me trouble breathing. Shaking my head out of my thoughts i padded across the living room into the kitchen. The space is actually much larger than it looks with the open concept. Unlocking my phone i checked for any thing from Ryan. Nothing.

“Ryan….where are you?”I whispered to myself. As I was preparing to call Ryan the door began to open. Ryan stepped through the door with his arms behind his back.

“Hi. Handsome.” I say as I sidled up into his side. He feels so warm and strong. His aftershave is something to be discussed but that’s nothing important. His strong arms wrap around my waist, as he lowers his head, his lips caressing my ear.

“Hey baby. I’ve missed you.” His lips began peppering kisses down my neck to my now bare collar bone as the shirt slid down my shoulders hitting the floor with a soft thump.

“Where were you Ryan? Normally you’d be getting out of the shower by now” I asked between breaths. Ryan’s hands slither down to cup my ass, hands flexing instinctively, he lifted me up, forcing me to wrap my legs around him to stop from falling. I doubt i’d fall but I could. He walked us back into the bedroom, my breasts in his face, his mouth is sweet, sweet torture. Licking and sapping away at my sensitive mounds, my body became flushed, a slow ache began building between my thighs. Unable to keep my hands too themselves I reached down. My fingers clumsily freed the belt clasp and tugged if free from the waistband with a resounding snap.

“Eager much?” He chuckled, more to himself. Sometimes I prefer the silent Ryan. I shifted my weight so I turned and pushed Ryan down onto the bed. Face flushed beyond belief, I don’t know if it’s him or if it’s just been a minute, but my body is practically humming. Staring down into his dark smoky almond eyes, my hair waterfalling down to one side.

His free hand reached up to tuck a stray strand behind my ear, his fingers lingering by my ear, then slowing dragging them down my cheek to grip my chin.

“You are so beautiful…” His words trailed off, as if swallowed by something unseen. And in this moment I saw something flicker in his gaze. Uncertainty? Pity? Sadness? Whatever it is I don’t like it. Not one bit. Deciding to take the initiative because knowing Ryan he’ll beat around the bush like he always does in a attempt to spare my feelings. God that pisses me off.

“But what Ryan? What’s wrong?” Scooting off Ryan I grabbed a shirt from the floor and slipped it on also searched haphazardly as I watched Ryan. His face went through a myriad of emotions which I couldn’t really decipher except the one he has claimed, sadness. I can feel my heart beating a mile a minute this has all the makings of a break up, I can feel it, but i can’t acknowledge it as truth, not until I hear it.

“Talk to me Ryan. Whatever it is just tell me, and don’t try to sugarcoat it. Just tell me the truth. Don’t lie, don’t hide, don’t hint...please...just tell me…” I tried to stay in control of my emotions but my subconscious me is yelling ‘I fucking told you so’. Tears barely kept at bay. I know It’s silly really. He hasn’t said anything yet but I already feel this chasm split between us. Unable to tear my gaze away from Ryans. He looked away for a split second before leveling me with this impersonal stare, one he would hold reserved for his employees.

“Camille...Listen. What we have..had has been the best thing ever to me. You’ve helped me in more ways than I can count. I love you. I truly do, but this” He indicates me and him, “Isn’t going to work, not right now, and I don’t think in the future either. Yes in the past we were heading in the same direction and now...I feel like we’ve been blown off course. I’d like to take some time and consider everything that’s happened in the past few years. Is this what I want?” He sounds so calm, where my chest has burst open, raw and bleeding. Trying my best to not collapse into a shriveling mess, as each word, each syllable that comes out of his mouth sounds like another nail being driven into my heart. On autopilot I begin moving. At least what’s left of my heart that’s still trying to hold onto the hope that there’s something..somewhere. But not here, no...not anymore. Mustering the remaining confidence I can find I respond, “ You know what Ryan. You take the time You need to figure things out, and I’m leaving.” Ryan actually has to try to seem concerned as his brows knit in worry. “Camille, baby--” Cutting off Ryan, “I am not your baby, you lost that privilege when you decided to dump me just now you bastard!” I all but screamed. Ryan now looking chastised just stood silently, watching me in my frenzy. Bastard.

I need to get out of here. Running over the the closet I grabbed my lucky backpack and flung the dresser drawers open. Grabbing few shirts, at least what I think are shirts. My vision has become blurry as my tears cascaded down my cheeks. I have to get out of here. “Camille, please slow down, calm down.” My breathing has become shallower, I need to get out of here. It’s suddenly now suffocating to be near Ryan. Slinging the back over one shoulder, I toss on my boots, grabbed my truck keys and flew out the door without another glance back. I can’t look back.

Practically took the stairs two at a time down to the parking garage. Reaching the lower level, I send a quick S.O.S. message to my best friend, who’s practically my sister. Me and Ozette have been friends for almost 6 years now, but she’s become the closest thing to family I have now. She has always been there. When my papa passed Ryan should have been the one to comfort me, instead it was Ozette, seeing Ryan had a “Emergency” at the bar he never made it to the funeral or wake. Ozette though, she helped me pick up the pieces and feel somewhat whole again. I badly need to hear her voice.

As soon as the message sent, I got one back from Ozette, “OMG! Meet at Austins ASAP!! We need drinks!” Feeling a little better, I hopped into my truck and set off for Austins.

Me and Ozette are sitting at our usual stools in the corner of the bar. It’s somewhat quiet and drinks come quicker. Helps that Ozette knows the bartenders. Drinks tend to fly pretty quickly and freely. And right now it’s running very free.

“Oh sweetheart. He’s a jackass. What kind of guys breaks up with..with..That” Ozette says pointedly after I replayed everything that happened from the minute I woke up, to almost having heated sex, to being cast aside, thrown aside like yesterday’s garbage. Is it something I did? “I can’t help but feel like maybe I did something.” I admit confused.

“Oh, god honey. God no. You did nothing wrong. He’s the jackass that ripped your heart out. You did nothing wrong you hear me sweetie?” She wrapped her hands around mind with a slight squeeze. “You’ll be fine. Trust me girl. We need them more than they need us. Haha” Ozette laughs at her own joke trying to lighten the mood.

“Listen, why don’t you get away for awhile. Just take off and unwind. Find your place. Take some time for yourself. You’ve always been taking care of everyone, but who takes care of you? Sweetie, it’s time for you to do just that before you get shriveled and old then no man will look at you.” Ozette shivers for effect. Laughing I nudge her with my shoulder. “I don’t know what i’d do without you Ozette. Which you reminded me.”

“Of what what?”

“I have the will from my papa.” I say.

“And? That’s good right?” She asks curiously

“Well, at first I didn’t think so. Primarily because I knew Ryan wouldn’t go for it. But now I’m not so sure.”

“Omg! Well what is it.” Ozettes practically bouncing off her stool with anticipation.

“I have to stay in this cottage in this small panky dank town for the summer. It states that I have to ‘Find myself’. And if I stay I’ll inherit the cottage and $50,000. But now I’m thinking I should go” The Idea started to have more merit the more I think about it.

“Camille you have to go. I think it would be perfect for you. Not only that there might even be some hot men down there to ogle.” She gives me a pointed look.

“Ozette you know I don’t do ‘just’ hookups.”

“Well no harm in thinking about it. Anyways just keep your mind open, you never know. It might even provide some sculpting ideas.” she says with a wink.

My face turning the deep shade of red, and stands out quite a bit on my pale skin.I Shriek in laughter. “Ozette!!”

“I love you girl. Stay with me tonight and you can head down tomorrow morning.”

I’d much rather just go. But i suppose i did have a few drinks and I’m just emotionally drained. I can already feel the the numbing tiredness creep up.

“I love you to Ozette. I’m so tired. Thank you and then I’ll set out tomorrow.”

“I actually think you’ve had a few too many to drink and drive. So how about you just come with me and I’ll drop you back off to your truck in the morning. I’ll let my friends here know that it’ll be staying.” She’s right. Now that she mentioned it, I am feeling a bit unsteady on my feet. I can feel the sway begin to kick in. Looping my arm through hers we walked together into the cool april air.

“I love you Oz.”

“Love you too sweetie.”