Waiting

“I love you as much as I love pizza, and I love that stuff like crazy.”

You’re such a liar, hyung. If you loved me you would have never left.

The nights have gotten cold and lifeless, without your beating heart next to me. I sit here without a purpose, without a goal. I am broken without you. Yet why did you leave?

Namjoon-hyung says just to give you up and forget about the times we had together. But how can I, we have been together for 3 years. 3 years of the nonstop bicker and love towards each other. The time we fought about unfolded laundry but you still wrap yourself around me that night. The time I hung around Taetae-hyung for ages yet you still cared for me with adoring eyes. The time I rejected you, but you still tried. Why did you stop? Why did you stop trying, hyung?

Jin-hyung noticed how depressed I was afterwards. He took me to clubs after clubs. He says it’s a good way to forget. Drinking until you drop. No matter how much I drink, I will never forget about you. Those charming eyes that turn into crescent moons when you smile, those gorgeous puffy lips that kissed me whenever I was down, those hands, the small hands that gave me reassurance. Where are you now, hyung? I miss that smile of yours, everytime I made a lame joke.

Hoseok-hyung said just find a new lover, a new lover that will make you forget about everything. Not everything can be forgotten because of a new love. I can’t forget that kind heart you have while getting our dog, or the cute expressions when entering a haunted house. I definitely can’t forget how good you were at dancing, how much you enjoyed it. The person that got me into hiphop, now how can I forget that?

Taetae-hyung said that he would find me, all of them did. But how could we, when you erased every object that could lead us to you. Your apartment, the photos and the dog was gone the day I went to see you. I miss you. Please come back to me.

It has been a year after the disappearance. Life continued on like normal, except for mine. I waited and waited in that coffee shop for you to return, always believing that you were just on a trip, a long business trip that was extremely important that you had to leave immediately and forgot to text me about it. Oh how I wished it was that simple.

I contacted your parents about you. They said, you had to go and do something important, something that would take a long time. I didn’t believe them, you had left me because you didn’t like me anymore, right? I had my phone on standby for weeks, hoping you would remember and give me a phone call or a text. I waited for ages until I just gave up.

“Don’t give up, Jungkookie. It’s not about the result but the effort.” I remember you telling me that. I’m sorry for giving up.

Today was a fault. For it was not like any other day. Briskly walking into the coffee shop, I order what I did everyday. A coffee with no milk and less sugar. A plain black coffee, a perfect representation of my life. Sitting into the usual corner away from the door, I secluded into the phone, the phone you once got me for my 18th birthday. Rereading some of the text I got from you.

I didn’t notice at all. A figure standing before me, in front of the table.

You asked. “Jungkookie, can I sit here?”

I looked up and ignored you. I apologise.

That is why I am sitting at your grave to reminisce over the times we had together. For you didn’t leave me, for death is like a long business trip, an important trip until you are due to return.

I cried and cried. You hug me. Yet I just didn’t notice. I’ll just keep waiting until I can meet you again Jiminie-hyung.