So Dense

Sometimes I have to go to the only place that helps me think of the clearest answer to my problems. Sometimes it helps out or sometimes it makes things worse. But this place is where I can be able to come to when I want to feel separated from this harsh world.

“You know we can still be friends I am sorry it ended this way.”

“You know what actually though I am glad that you are at least happy I’m sorry that I could not be the girlfriend you wanted me to be. I think it is best if we were not to see each other ever again please.”

I think that was the last time I saw him which was in my 3rd year of middle school. He moved after the car crash. I moved on with my life spending every day of my life pretending I was happy when really I was in so much pain. Since then I had gained so much weight from eating and staying cooped up in my apartment for a few months after that. After a few months of that state, I started hating the way my body looked and started eating less and less.

Even to this day I still remember the accident that led to my ex-boyfriend being injured and our break up. Besides, it was my fault for starting to think my life was turning around for once.

You see I have no parents since they died in a fire when I was only about 12. I was the one that survived somehow. I had no relatives to take me in since my mom kept me a secret from her family of thugs and my dad's family lived overseas and had no contact with him.

I told myself that I was alone now on my own in the world. So soon I got a job and was able to get an apartment with the help of my childhood friend Eric’s mom. She offered to let me stay with them but I felt if I did I would only be a burden to them. Living alone was never fun especially when you had no one to go to when you miss your parents.

My ex-boyfriend soon came along with his help in my emotional state. And pretty soon I was practically healthy becoming lively again. His name was Trey or what I would call him was Saru. He liked his nickname since it was his favorite animal supposedly.

He called me Kumaneko or Kuma which was because that was my favorite animal as well at the time. He also nicknamed me Yana which was short for Yaname.

I know my name is not really a name I would have in the states. It is a bit of a weird name since my dad was part Japanese. Mom married him after she was abroad for her safety.

This all started when I was 12 through the first time it happened.

I had always believed since the fire that when I become happy I don’t get to stay happy for long since something bad always happens. I was happy about my dad’s promotion at his job and so we were supposed to have a feast that night to celebrate his promotion the trip we were going to go on to finally meet his family.

It had come to a stop when the stove caught fire that night sending the whole house to flames. I remember being taken to the hospital after I was found in the living room with them laying at my side. Somehow I had survived the smoke that had killed my parents. But my parents weren't the only ones who got into an accident.

Trey said that he wanted to see me because he had something important to talk to me about. I had heard from his friends that he was gonna ask me to move with him to California. I was so happy that I could but that was when I saw on the news a car was hit by an 18 wheeler on the highway.

They showed ID photos of the people in the crash and my heart sunk seeing him on the screen. The car was totaled and he was sent to the hospital to where I knew I couldn’t face him after that. Soon I got over my fear of seeing him badly injured. And went to the hospital with a bouquet of roses.

I walked in on him kissing someone else who I knew from school as the smartest girl in school. I guess it was my fault for being too happy because he was two-timing me and he still chose the girl that he was with. I knew I was never to be happy after that.

I had told him that I hoped that he was to be happy that I was glad he was at least okay. I cried myself to sleep that night while I thought over and over what I could have done differently. But you can never change the past. So I promised myself to only look forward in life and not expect to live a happy one.