PROLOGUE
The fresh snow crunched beneath my feet as I hurried towards the bus stop. I wrapped myself tighter with the scarf around my neck. The leaves that fell from the trees in the fall were now covered with snow. Mist from my breath circled around me as I hurriedly walked along the sidewalks. My eyes often drifted to the windows of colorful stores that lined the sidewalk, I tried hard not to be enticed by the sweet aroma of hot chocolate and freshly baked croissants. My empty pockets felt heavier with each glance.
I finally stopped at the empty seats around the corner and waited for the bus to arrive. The bustling crowd around me caught my interest. In this small town, this morning somehow looked especially busy. The eyes were focused on the path ahead and the footsteps were rushed. I looked around, observing the passing crowd, trying to imagine what this winter morning looked like in their lives. Was it harsh and unforgiving or was it hopeful and joyous ?
“ARIEL.” I heard someone screaming my name from behind me. I turned around to see Beth. Her light hair flailed around her face as she came running to me. As she came closer I could see the sweat glistening on her eyebrows, right above the scar that she got while playing with me when she was just five years old.
“Are you- wait,why are you smiling ?” she said.
“The fact that you felt the need to run at full speed even when you knew I wasn’t going anywhere, is just hilarious.”
“Yeah, yeah. By the way, how are you?” Beth asked with a concerned look on her face.
“I am doing fi-” I stopped shirt as I saw the look on her face. It was the same look that disapproving mothers gave whey they catch their children lying.
I sighed, “I could be doing worse.”
“Oh, Ariel.” I knew she wanted to say more, but after years of friendship she knew that it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
“How’s your boutique ?” I said in an attempt to change the subject.
She saw right through me but decided to go along. “Its doing good, I guess. Are you going to meet him ?”
I looked down at my old shoes, trying to hide behind my dark hair. Wishing she hadn’t asked that.
“Umm… no. I was going for an interview” I finally replied.
Realization dawned on her face as she finally noticed my formal attire.
“Oh,” she said disappointed.“For what job?”
“It’s just a job for a manager at a store. It’s a few towns over.” I said hesitantly. I knew what she would think. I couldn’t blame her because it was true.
“Ariel, are you sure ?” she tried hard not to sound pitiful and concerned, but she failed to do so. “You know you can talk-”
She was interrupted by the loud horn of the bus approaching the stop. I quickly boarded the bus, unable to meet her eyes. Afraid of what I might see in them, afraid of what she might see in mine.
Maybe she would see guilt. Maybe remorse, maybe helplessness. I happen to feel all of that quite often nowadays.
I walked towards the end of the bus. My eyes were still focused on my shoes, they seemed like the most interesting thing in the world at that moment. It felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me from my old rugged shoes that were the only pair I could afford after paying all the medical bills, my glasses were broken from the fall I had while walking down this same bus,my clothes had seen better days as the thrift store felt like luxury. Their stares burnt a hole in my head as I sat down on the last seat. Careful to not meet their eyes, I took out my phone and earphones, desperate to not think about the thoughts that bothered me too much. Tilting my head towards the frosted window, I went back to observing people as they walked past like a blur, wondering what their morning was like ?
Because mine felt like shame and guilt. It was a hard winter morning for me.
