unloved

“Pick me, choose me, love me.” The words Justin never thought he wanted to hear, but now that he had heard them, that’s all he wanted to hear. He had never felt this way. His heart pounded louder and harder than it ever did. Everything in sight from the flashing lights of the cars, to the pedestrians walking about their day, had all faded away, but her. He stood there as the lamp post at 56th street shone down, and the smell of fresh bread overflowed the air, but nothing could keep his eyes off her. All the feelings of joy and excitement had burst into a smile then suddenly, regret and shame. He wanted to love her. He wanted to care for her more than anything else in the world, but he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t. He made a promise, an oath, a vow, so there Justin was standing on a cold December, his heart was fulfilled yet broken at the same time.

15 years earlier….

“Do you see it?”

“No, do you?”

“It’s gotta be here somewhere”

“Dude, at this point it’s a lost cause.”

Justin’s head appeared from under the desk in a dark classroom. Dust everywhere. His friend Nicholas was there with him crawling around on the floor.

“Okay I know you love her, but this is the time when you give up,” Nicholas said in hopes he would give up, but he knew Justin had never felt this way before, or that’s what he was told.

“NO! I never felt this—”

“This way before. I know Justin, but you’ve said that before about Kaylee.”

“Yeah, but that’s one girl,” Justin said as he brushed dusted off his favourite green sweater, and patted all the eraser shavings off his bright blue jeans

“Oh yeah? How about donna? Or Samantha?” Nicholas said.

Justin with an embarrassed look on his face knew he said those words too many times, but he was new to love, he was new to girls. It was so simple back in the day when it was all “ew girls have cooties” but, now with puberty, Justin’s been feeling a little hormonal.

“Okay fine fair enough but…” Justin was cut off as his teacher, Ms. Olderfielder, walked in with a rather surprised look on her face.

“What are you boys doing in my classroom,” she said slowly and with a deep voice as if she was trying to assert dominance.

“I mean you share this classroom with Mr. Tier so, not your classroom,” Nicholas said trying to provoke her

“Dude, what are you doing” Justin whispered to Nicholas as Ms. Olderfielder walked closer to them lowering her glasses and widened her eyes.

“Yeah I thought she was being funny; I see that as a mistake now” Nicholas whispered back to Justin.

“Then she just went hammered on us! Going all: “you need to learn some respect,” Justin said mocking Ms. Olderfielder. As his date started laughing, “yeah, man that was like what 13 years ago? Holy time sure flies”

“Yeah clearly,” Amalia said.

Amalia and Justin have been dating for the past year and a half and Justin wanted to marry her, he had this big proposal ready for her. this was something he wanted at this moment and this was what was going down. In this second, at this moment.

“Amalia,” Justin said getting down on one knee. Amalia already knew that this meant and didn’t waste any time in accepting his proposal. Though they have only been dating for a year and a half being Justin he jumped the gun too soon, and too soon for sure.

Justin watched the clock tick. “4 am” it read. He had been up all night thinking about a big business trip he has. Justin works in the paleontological field, and the trip he has required him to recover a big bone from the Mesozoic era. This was Justin’s first-ever business trip. Going to New York City didn’t seem bad, it wasn’t too far from where he was. Justin lived in a townhouse in Vancouver B.C and it was nearing winter, meaning it would get cold, and of course he lived with his wife, Amalia. Two years since he asked her to marry him in those two years he could have found out things about her that would greatly influence his decision in spending the rest of his life with her. his was unhappy, and so was she, but he wanted to stay in this marriage because he vowed to spend the rest of their lives together. It wasn’t that she was bad, or anything is just that he rushed into this marriage and after some time the love faded for him and for Amalia as well. There were still some things he loved about her, but ultimately it was better to be friends he felt. so, Justin watched the clock tick, his flight will leave at 7 pm and for him to do good on this trip he needed to get some sleep.

As the sun rose so did Justin, Amalia was already downstairs making breakfast. He went into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He picked up his brush, brushed his soft black/brown hair, and applied enough gel to hold it up, but unnoticeable. He brushed his partly white teeth and applied his eczema cream. He tried to find his best suit and tie and tired each one on. He headed downstairs to greet his wife as she finished making breakfast.

“When does your flight get in?” Amalia asked as she placed a plate full of eggs, two toast, four pieces of bacon and a glass of coffee in front of Justin.

“7 pm” Justin replied as he sat down ready to begin eating, “say, do you want something from New York? I can bring you back one of those New York City snow globes.”

Amalia cracked a chuckle “really? That’s what you had in mind to get me? A snow globes?”

“Hey, I mean you like snow and you also talk about how we have to reduce our carbon footprint, so I just put the two and two together.” Justin said

“Yeah, you know what that would be fine” Amalia said back to Justin as she placed her own plate of food in front of herself, and that has reached the end of their conversation. For the past year they didn’t’ have anything to talk about and Justin hated that. He would try to think of something, anything. He would try to talk to her about work, about his or her day, but the only response he gets is “that’s fine” those two words he hated the most. When it came to important decisions he would as get the “that’s fine” line. Justin just focused on the fact that he could be by himself for a while and to talk to his old friend Nicholas. So, there they were the two ‘love birds’ eating their breakfast not talking, not even making eye contact. Where did the good go? Justin thought as he took a bite of his toast. Just as Justin finished his breakfast, he went back up stairs to pack for his trip. He packed a surplus of clothing, not knowing how long his trip would last. His boss, David Handerfloder, said it could range up to 4-5 months. He prepared all the paperwork and brought his suitcase downstairs. He checked the time: 2:30pm.

“Okay that’s not too bad” Justin thought as he looked up thinking about what else he could do to pass the time. He contemplated whether to take a cab or sky train to the airport. He looked up from the floor and saw Amalia walking by

“Cab or SkyTrain?” Justin asked.

“Either works babe” Amalia replied

“Okay there’s gotta be something else you’ve been a little short with him” Justin said not being able to take the dry, short answers.

“I’m not being short with you; you’ve been short with me.” Amalia said

Those words bothered Justin. How has he been being short with her? he have spent the last year trying to make a good conversation with her, but all she says is “that’s fine” if anything, she was being short with him.

“I’ve been short with you?” Justin asked with a firm tone as

“Well, okay maybe, but it’s been a while the flame went out years ago and you know it,” Amalia said, “it’s not that I don’t love you its that whatever we had isn’t there.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Yeah so, the flame went out, but I’ve been trying to get it back.” Justin said

“Maybe there isn’t a flame to get back” Amalia said in a soft tone looking at the floor trying to avoid eye contact.

“So what? You don’t love me anymore? You want a divorce is that what you want?” Justin said looking straight at her, but she still doesn’t look back at him.

“No, I don’t know I- “

“What do you mean you don’t know? You should know, did you really want to marry me?” Justin said, his eyes still on her.

“Did you?” she replied.

“What do you mean?” Justin asked.

“You do this, Justin. This is the type of thing you always do,” Amalia said now raising her head looking at him, walking back and forth, “you rush into girls to fast not knowing what you really want, or how to deal with it. You just find someone and you fall in love with them, you do this but this time you asked me to marry you, and I said yes.”

Justin knew what she was saying was true, he admitted it, but now he begins to wonder if anyone really did love him back.

“So what? This is it. You don’t love me anymore?”

“It’s, it’s not what it used to be” Amalia said trying to sugar coat the hard truth, but Justin knew he could see right through it.

“Fine”. Justin said picking up his bags and heading out the door. He didn’t know if this is how she felt he always knew the flame did go out, but he never knew she didn’t love him. From the whole train ride there he had the words “it’s not what it used to be” replaying in his head over and over. Though the conversation he had with Amalia did hurt him, it was the most interesting conversation he had with her in the past year so, he couldn’t get mad at that. As Justin got to the airport he checked in and all he had to do was wait for his flight which left in 4 hours. Justin sat there watching the clouds move and airplanes take off and land. He didn’t know why, but this had bothered him all he could focus on is going to that business trip and getting that big bone.