Review of "The Apothecary Apprentice," first chapter (NaNoWriMo)

"So I'm writing this review, keeping in mind that this is a work in progress and it's part of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), so my "deeper" critiques will be saved until it's all finished up. Initial Impressions: + Whoa, holy switching perspectives, Batman! Massive info dump in the first paragraph was a little hard to follow, especially because I was having difficulty placing who they were speaking to. + Interesting premise here. I'm trying to figure out whether an emissary is a spy or a diplomat, but I love the idea that it's solely girls--though I find it surprising that all the authority figures introduced so far are men, when there are no male students. I'd have expected a good mix of genders. + I like this heroine more than I thought she would, for someone introduced as the perfect emissary. Still, she's raw enough around the edges to make her sympathetic and empathetic for readers to root for. I think her interaction with Cecelia was flawed, though I can't quite pinpoint how. It didn't seem the best idea to threaten her, especially given that there's no evidence that there actually *are* rumors spreading about her virtue beyond Cecelia's word for it. Having your lady hear the rumors herself and then confront Cecelia, perhaps, might have worked, or simply leaning back on her cultivated persona as "too perfect to touch" while showing us, the readers, her private reactions may have worked better. Something to consider in December at the end of all this, eh? + The death of her twin was... startling. I'm surprised she didn't sense there was something wrong before then. Twins--in stories and real life--typically have a bit of a stronger bond than most siblings, and can sense something's wrong sometimes before official word is sent. (A friend of mine knew her twin sister had hurt her arm before she got a phone call, telling her she'd broken it.) I'm also stunned that there wasn't more of a visceral, emotional reaction, considering she'd let her guard down with her uncle in private. She took the news of her twin's death much more coolly than anyone should, particularly an untried girl her age--even if they train emissaries to be impassive as stone. It made her less sympathetic as a character, for her to react comparatively indifferently to the news. + The setup for the story--she'll pretend to be her twin and get close to the crown prince who loved her--will be... interesting to see unfold. I'm also curious to see how the spy service or what have you handles the fact that she's been dead and out of communication with her suitor for three days, possibly longer before our Heroine can get into position. I'm really hoping we don't fall into the, "I fell in love with my dead twin's prince suitor but I can't tell him that it's really me and not her!" scenario. I think it'd be more interesting if she fell in love with a different man, but still had to play that role. All sorts of juicy scenes await! So yeah, I'm looking forward to reading more. I'd still suggest giving your lady lead a bit more vulnerability and emotional reaction. Even if she's cool on the surface, she should never be cool to her readers. I'd also make sure she's got some visible fault somewhere. Perfection is rarely interesting to read. My own heroine, for example, is clumsy. Really, really clumsy. And she's got a temper that she struggles to control. (Not particularly good qualities when you're looking for a job as a failed hero.) She's definitely not perfect, but she's strong--and in some ways, I think her faults add to her strength. She understands what it's like to be weak, and so appreciates her current skills and strength in a way that those characters handed them have difficulty doing at times. Anyway, definitely a fascinating world you've build, with some interesting rules and concepts. I look forward to learning more about emissaries in general and how you take this story on! Good luck with finishing out the month. :)"