The good and the bad

You know, sometimes I wonder about the course of my life, and what will happen, what life has in store for me. Everyday brings its own challenge, you know.. But it does have it's rewards; both good and bad. For instance, what got me here, 4897 Penn Avenue, a wrong choice, my father having unprotected sex with my mother, who in turn was not ready for a child. A one night stand; a mistake born of lust on the 31st of December, 1990, that’s all I am. You usually have to live with your mistakes, but for some twisted reason, with children you don't. A few papers and you’re free of that whining, helpless burden. And that child is taken out of your life forever, and honestly, I don't blame them, children are hard. If I can barely take care of myself, how should I expect them to.

Life, however, does have its positives. I grew up gang free, drug free, and got good grades, and because of this, I was able to get into a prestigious coed boarding school, My home became 145 in section C of campus, Freedom High School, one of the hardest curriculums in Ohio. But school work was never what bothered me if truth be told.

Imagine living life alone. No friends to back you up, no Mother to come home to and brag to. No-one to tell you how proud they are. Only silence, that's the only answer I ever received. I talked to nobody, and nobody did the same. My experience in conversation was hinged solely on the pages I read, the plots where I truly dwelled, the desolation of my bleak existence held together by a fragile textile, and some ink. That was until the day I met a most peculiar girl.

Many define the beauty of a girl by how perfect her body is, how angelic her facial features, the sharp cheekbones and long flowing, impeccably kept hair, holding an unmatched grace in her movements. Yet that day, the 25th of August 2006, two weeks after school had started, I came into contact with the most beautiful creature that has ever been sculpted by Gods gracious hands, right there, scrambling to rearrange the mess of papers that had slipped from her bag only a second ago. Auburn hair, worn in a mess of tangles, and the softest hazel eyes, so captivating I was lost in them as I bent down to help her. Taking note of her small delicate figure, her average face and the freckles that adorned her rosy blushing cheeks, my heart skipped a beat. And when she spoke, in a voice that could kill birds, I knew I was in love, because, and I may be a fool, but her imperfections drew me toward her more than anything else.

For most, life never gets better, their demons never cease to fade. But for me, my demon was the past, and my future was guided by an angel. My past faded into darkness and the light I traveled to was the clumsy red haired girl who took away the weight of my loneliness.

Life has twists and turns, and for an orphan of 16, life can change so dramatically with only the littlest of actions, like helping an angel pick up her papers in the hallway, because from that day on, me and liz, we were inseparable. Alone, we were together, and together, it felt as though we were alone, like this planet was made for us, and only us.

The following years passed by without much else happening, school, extracurriculars, for me speech and debate, and criminal justice, for her band, and drama, though she could never quite land the singing auditions.

She had this addition to disney, it was so painful for me but I sat through it, laughing at the amazing vocal extra added by the love of my life. I knew every word to almost everyone of those songs. That was our weekend ritual, she would lay in my arms on the sofa in my dorm, watching disney, and I’d twirl her hair and place soft kisses on her head. It was heaven.

Marriage is an important step for any couple. Whether it be to cheat taxes or to be a symbol of your love for one another. But for me it felt like the changing of seasons, the victory over depression, this was summer that came from the spring that was our relationship and the winter that was my past.

And i'll tell you about how i proposed. But f irst let me describe the ring, which I wrote a sappy love letter for. It described what the medals and design of the ring meant. The silver band with a gold strip in the middle, representing the strength and value of the love I felt for her. The amber flower at the center, like the heat and passion for life that she had, the life I hoped to be in forever. On that flower was a perfect opal, this was her birth stone, and I had hoped it would be the birth of something new between us. And lastly the diamonds that were placed leading up to the flower on the band. And these, well, these were to say that I’d be strong for her, no matter what, like she was for me. This ring, this note, all of my feelings, were left on a pile of disneyland tickets, for her, her family, and I, which were put on the counter before I went to the university, Ohio State.

Sometimes people get lucky. Five years of college had earned me a bachelors in criminal justice, and I set about, at 22, as a lawyer in family courts, helping families and displaced kids, helping kids that were just like me, and some that were worse. Liz, she worked as a middle school band director, the perfect job for her. We lived a happy life in a nice little neighborhood on the outskirts of Jacksonville, Ohio. A four bedroom house yearning for more people.

We had always wanted children, liz, coming from a family with four siblings, and me, who wanted to be the father my dad never was. We had been sifting through names and looking at daycares and preschools. That's when it finally happened, the pregnancy test, she tested positive, I was going to be a dad.

You know that moment when you look back at your life and see the evolution of yourself, and just thank God for the things he blessed you with. That's what I did, I thanked him, for my life, for the challenges he gave me, for the angel he allowed for me to meet. My past had always been somewhat of a burden to me but now, now it was like I was free, liz, and this kid, they were my life, not the demons of my past. And for the first time in my life, I stopped thinking entirely about that demon, and focused only on the future.

Ultrasounds can bring about various surprises, and for us, well it was definitely a surprise, twin, I was gonna be a father of two handsome boys. We decorated everything, from walls to the fridge, we bought bunks and blankets, and everything in between, we were so excited, we were going to be parents.

Liz, she went into labor early, two months early. There was excitement, and fear, so much fear. What could happen, what could this do to my kids? What if there's a problem, what if something went wrong. All this ran through my head. That was the most scared I have ever been in my life.

Now doctors can save lives, or they can bring the news of death, and sometimes both. My children, those sweet little things, the ones i'd sit for hours feeling, talking too, singing to, inside her stomach. And my sweet liz. That was the news they brought, terrible in the worst of ways. One kid had come out dead, and the other, the other was barely clinging to life, the doctors, they told me they’d do all they could, but that there was little chance the poor boy would live. And I had to give him a name. I had to give my dying child a name.

Liz, my sweet liz, she was bleeding internally, and in a coma, she was dying, the girl who had given me life, was almost gone. And after three days I couldn't take it, she would tremble and the beeps on that monitor would speed, she, she was in pain, and I pulled the plug, I told the doctors to let her die, in a way I killed her.

Liz had hated guns, she would tell me how dangerous they are, how deadly they can be, and I agreed. But sometimes you need that deadliness, that quickness. That's what I needed, and so I got it, a pistol, $458.70, that was all peace would cost. I drove home, waited there, for the call that signaled my sons end, that was going to be the last straw.

The call came, he was barely alive, he was fighting, but losing, they were going to do all they could, but it was a losing battle. My mind, it contemplated everything, should I hold hope for my son, should I pray to God to save him. But why should I, God had taken everything from me, he had taken liz, and one of my sons already, and he was going to take the other. But still I contemplated.

That's what went through my head, first that I should wait, wait and hope that my son would live, but as I sit here on this couch, the same couch me and Liz would lay together, watching those precious movies. Her scent was still there, the lavender smell, and the memories just flooded in. I grabbed the cushion and squeezed it tight, I imagined I was holding her one last time, and in that moment I could hear her voice, teasing me, telling me to stop being so down, that it'll be ok because I had her, But I don't, not anymore. I would never hear her sing, her happy voice, I would never touch her soft skin, I would never kiss her freckled cheeks again. And I know she wouldn't want me to do this… but, how can I live without my heart?

You know sometimes I wonder at the course of my life, at what will happen, what life has in store for me. And every day brings its own challenge, you know life can be rough. But it does have its rewards, both good and bad, like what got me here, room 26, complex B, juvie, my father, not holding hope that his son would pull through, putting a bullet in his head and leaving me. I'm an orphan, I have no family, my father killed himself, and never thought about what that'll do to me. But that is just it, he couldn't handle life's problems, so that he could give me something better, and I can't take the good, cause all i've seen is the bad.