Chapter 1
Fear. have you ever feared something? Of course you have, its apart of human nature. But every time someone asks someone else what their fear is, they always say something that is physically a thing. When I was in elementary school, the teacher had asked us what our greatest fear was. My classmates were just saying “the dark” or “clowns.” but.. Can a fear be something mentally inside? I continue to listen to the answers of my classmates “storms” and “spiders” I never heard anything else. Once it came to my turn I hesitated. I didn’t know what to say. If I said my actual fear.. What would they say.. So I just say the first thing that came to my head. I just said I have ophidiophobia so… snakes. Which is a lie.. I love snakes.. My teacher was shocked that I even knew what ophidiophobia was. We were only in second grade after all. But I never actually told anyone my actual fear. My fear is myself.. What I will become if I actually become insane. I may have joked that I’m insane with my friends when I was in jr. high But.. sometimes I actually slowly feel my sanity slip away. I never really told anyone because I don’t want them to think I’m.. well... weird.. But what will happen if I let the monster that I have kept down below for so long in the darkest depths of my mind.. What if the monster will find a way to escape that part of my mind. My fear is that I will hurt everyone I care about once that happens… Soon I won’t be able to hold it back and it will hurt everyone.. but why do fight it anymore.. Maybe I don’t want to give up because I’ve worked too hard to keep it inside of me... Have you ever had a friend ask you if you are ok? And even though something is torturing you, trying to kill you on the inside.. all you say is “Yea, Im fine.” with just a gentle smile and they actually believe you.. All. of. My. friends. Are. like. That. and even though the monster grows bigger and stronger each day.. They still dont see through me, they cant see the smile is fake, they cant see pain in my eyes. Its annoying. Its annoying that I don’t have true friends. They may have waved to me in the halls, they may have walked with me to my classes, they may have hung out with me after school. But they weren’t true friends if they couldn’t have just look into my eyes and see the fear in them. I fear that one day I will get a true friend.. And they would leave me after they see what is truly killing me on the inside.. I think to myself every single night.. What if that monster escapes and I won’t be able to stop it again.. Yea.. it escaped once. Just once. And even though it escaped once it costed me too much.. It cost me my family’s lives.. The monster escaped and killed them. My brother.. My mother.. My father.. Even my cat.. It. killed. All. of. Them. my fear is that when the monster escapes it will finally finish its job and kill my newer family. My son and husband.. The monsters goal is to keep me away from happiness.. To keep me away from a normal life.. The monster’s goal is to actually make me insane so it could come out for good. But I will stay strong and protect them, even though I won't be able to hold it in much longer.
