Seattle Bound

I heard Seattle just feels like home to anyone that goes there. You could be from New York, Tokyo, or Paris and that rainy town makes you feel like you belong. As a kid, I wanted to live there- breath in the sea salt- and just belong. My ex-boyfriend, Ezra, used to visit there and said it was the most amazing city. He would talk about how one day we’d get married there in a nice barn, an open field of green in the back. When we broke up, I eradicated Washington from my mind. I joined the Air Force, I was ready to be stationed in Afghanistan or Iran or anywhere that wasn’t by him.

The before and after Ezra was basically the same- it was the during that my life felt different. I didn’t need to “find myself”, the breakup gave me no clarity. The before and after just felt like everything was about me, but the during was about everything. My life has been pretty selfish, I just focus on myself and my future job and my ambitions- which isn’t a bad thing, it just made me feel numb. With Ezra, life was about him or the trees we saw on our walk or the various names for our future, hypothetical children. The during was firey and alive. The rest was static.

We broke up three months ago, but it feels like it all just happened today. My brain just instantly turned back to myself. I buried myself so heavily in my job that I forgot that Ezra existed, or at least I tried. Then, all of a sudden it hit me. I didn’t have him anymore, I just had myself.

9 Months Ago

“When did you realize you liked me?” I asked while I traced my nails around Ezra’s ear. It’s funny, we’ve been together for so long, but I never thought to ask why he liked me in the first place.

“Well, you walked into math on the first day of Senior year, right,” he remembered and I nodded, “And I thought, wow, the new girl is cute,”

“I wasn’t new! I went to your school an entire semester last year,” I laughed. He laughed too, it sounded sweet. I loved his laugh.

“I know that now. If only stupid. Junior year Ezra knew you moved here. I definitely would have hit that,” we laughed again. His shoulders would bunch up around his ears and his whole body would laugh with him.

“Tell me the actual story,” I poked at his stomach and he let out his last giggle. Ezra collected his breath and continued on.

“Okay, okay. Remember when we got drunk at Ian’s party, then went to McDonald’s afterward? We were looking at that stupid red plant that they put out at Christmas-time and I made a dumb joke about eating it. Well, you couldn’t stop laughing. I mean, you were hunched over, full-body laughing. People were absolutely staring at you because you were insane. I thought, ‘Wow, I made this girl laugh. And she has a cute laugh, well not cute, but she is cute.’ That’s when I knew I liked you.” Ezra finished and looked at me. He had dazzling blue eyes and he would just stare at me with them. I understood what he meant when he would talk about Seattle feeling like home because that’s what his eyes felt like for me.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he smiled. His teeth were big but nice. I loved his smile.

Now

“Lieutenant Wilson?” asked a voice just outside my office door.

“Enter,” I responded, barely looking up from the paperwork on my desk. In walked Airman Hall, a 19-year-old guy from Louisianna. He was insanely tall, and me, being only five feet, I literally looked up to him. Hall was shy but opened up to me a lot. I think it was because we were similar ages, and all the other officers on the base were significantly older.

“You weren’t at formation,” he said quietly.

“I’m not the commanding officer, I don’t have to be,” I kept saying eyeing my paperwork.

“You’re always there, ma’am. It was weird that you weren’t.”

“What are you trying to say, Hall?” I finally looked up. He hadn’t moved from the doorway. He just leaned against the door frame in his uniform. They aren’t supposed to fit you well, but he had rolled up his sleeves and it fit his arms so nicely.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You can talk to me, you know,”

“Go back to work.” I looked back at my desk and the door shut. I exhaled heavily and wish I was anywhere but here. How did I end up here?

“Is it that boy?” I looked back up and he was sitting in the chair in front of me. Hall had crossed his arms and furrowed his big eyebrows at me.

“Don’t try to therapize me.”

“I think I know you more than you think”

“You’ve known me for three months, we’ve talked maybe five times. You know nothing about me. Stop overstepping your lines.”

“Fine, but I’m going to Fuzzy’s tonight. I’ll be out of uniform and you will too. If you want to talk, you know where I will be. Just take care of yourself, Wilson.”

“Lieutenant Wilson.”

“Yes, ma’am. Lieutenant Wilson.” Then he finally left.

I think that I don’t let myself be happy. There are so many amazing people that surround themselves in my life. So many selfish, joyful people. I have so many nice experiences in my life that briefly make me feel on top of the world. Then, for some reason, I tell myself it’s too nice, the people in my life are too good to be caring for me, so I let it go. I let them go.

12 Months Ago

Ezra and I were walking into Ian’s house for a party. Ian was always throwing parties because his parents were never home. I guess every town had an Ian that they relied on to have a good time at. It was cold in Colorado at that time, the entire ground was laid with snow and you can’t go anywhere without a jacket. It covers up my outfit, though, so I usually go without. Ezra by the end of the night will have given me his coat.

The door was open, so we walked in. Our friends were there, most of them huddled around the t.v. playing video games. I could smell a mixture of alcohol and weed, which was borderline nauseating. There was so much yelling, I had to yell to talk to Ezra.

“Should we go find Ian?” I yelled over the teenagers and the music.

“I think he’s upstairs,” he said, whisking me up to Ian’s room. It was quieter up there, almost no one was in the hallway or the rooms.

When we walked in, we found Ian on his bed. He was staring at his ceiling that was lit up with his colorful lights. Ian was playing different music than anything that was downstairs, it was slower and sadder.

“Hey, man. Are you okay?” Ezra asked him. Ian sat up and turned to face us. His eyes were droopy and bloodshot.

“Dawg, have you ever taken a dab before?” he laughed. I hadn’t, but I know Ezra was a big stoner before we started dating.

The next thing I knew, we were standing in his garage. It was freezing and terribly lit. I felt like I was standing in a deserted cave. Ezra tucked me under his arm as I shook and shivered. They were passing around the rig, which I learned that night you take dabs out of. It was handed to me, and I instantly freaked out.

Afterward, my lung burned and I could barely walk. It felt like the wall and the floor had switched. The music felt blurred and my friends were talking from so far away. Then, it was 1 a.m. and I knew I had to go home, but I couldn’t go home like this.

Ezra and I started walking to his house, but it took all of my energy to just put one foot in front of the other. The cold felt amplified and I couldn’t feel my toes anymore.

“Ezra, I need you to carry me.” “Are you serious?” he laughed. I begged, and he caved. He boosted me to his shoulders and hiked almost two miles through the snow to make sure I got home with him. Eventually, he set me down in his bed and brushed my hair behind my ear.

I started to trace his back with letters as he would guess them. “U... R... C… Are you gonna say I’m cute?” then we’d laugh.

Then I traced in cursive quickly ‘iloveyou’. “I didn’t catch that, do it again.” ‘iloveyou’ “One more time” ‘iloveyou’ “I give up, what is it?”

“I’ll tell you later,” I whispered as my eyes shut.