The Lawless Nature of Time

The Lawless Nature of Time

Time. The dictionary defines it as the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. This use of the word indefinite makes me wonder. Will there ever be a halt? And if there is a halt, what will happen to this continued progress of existence? I wonder.

It’s February 5th, 2004. My mom wakes me up and gets me ready for school. I notice that my father is not well. He’s throwing up. I take a longer look at him, he’s throwing up blood. My five year old mind is anxious, but doesn’t know what anxiousness is and doesn’t exactly know the reason for this feeling. I try to avoid saying bye to him because I’m scared. My mom brings me to him, I hug and kiss him, tell him I love him and say good bye. That was the last time I saw him.

It’s February 7th, 2004. The last two days have been a blur. I’m handed a rose, so is everyone else. I see everyone throw it towards the casket, they’re crying. I don’t want to. I can’t let go. I give in and throw it. I’m not crying. All of this happened so fast. My mind is a whirl. I’m far too young for this. Far too young.

It’s summer, 2004. I go to daycare everyday and during nap time, I don’t nap. I speak with God. I express my sadness to him and He listens. He’s the only one I confess all of my feelings too. My feelings run deep, too deep for a five year old. But here I am, conversing with God. He’s real. My father is with Him. I wish my father was with me. But I’m glad he is with Him.

It’s summer, 2014. I’m an atheist. I have a lot of free time. My mind touches on certain aspects of life and I struggle to keep up sometimes. Science makes a lot of sense. So much sense. So much more sense than God or religion ever could. I’m firm on this belief. I tell my mom and her reaction is extremely negative. She tells me that I’m allowing the devil into my life. I laugh at how ridiculous she sounds. I laugh at the child I used to be. I laugh at how I thought I was talking to “God.” As if there is one. If there was one I wouldn’t be going through any of the shit that I go through. Neither would anyone else.

It’s summer, 2015. I’m clinging to the idea that God is real because only He knows how badly I am hurting right now. Hurt is an understatement. I’m destroyed, I feel as if I am no longer a person. Everything that I loved was taken away from me. I’m left with merely nothing. And why? I don’t know. God, why? I beg for His help everyday, as I contemplate suicide everyday. I stare at pills and fast cars with desire as a fire burns in the pit of my stomach. I would have never thought it would come to this. A year ago everything was okay. Five years ago everything was okay. But then I question, was it? Or is this all pretend? Time isn’t kind. Time will have you believe everything is okay. This life is filled with laws but such a big part of life is time and time has no laws. It’s brutal. It’s not caring, it’s deceiving. Lord, help me, help me please.