What is your opinion?
Sad and beautiful
"Very well done! This story was intriguing and kept me drawn in throughout the entire expanse. I would have liked to know more about what exactly happened to Adam, but I loved the depth of character portrayed in this story. Between Adam's determination and faint pride, it gave this story a whole new layer. I feel like this story SAYS something, whereas a lot of stories don't I wouldn't be surprised if it rises through the ranks. The plot was well done as well, all though I expected that the dinner party wasn't going to be what he thought. I marked it down because some of the sentences could use rewording, but your writing style is great in this story. Just give it a little more. Well done! Good luck in the contest!"
A SURPRISE ENDING
"You put a lot of effort into this story, and in some places the detail is lovely. The beginning is really good. There is a lot of good detail in the first paragraphs. I get a good feel for his confusion. But I am lost in the back story. I have no idea where this is going. Perhaps mention someone you know who had an organ transplant and mention a black market for organs. Develop the characters better. I have no idea if this family is middle or upper class. The people are not well enough drawn. I need to hear some conversation, something to give me a better sense of who these people are. Shawna is introduced well. My interest started to pick up. But take out, “He was mesmerized by her.” Show, don’t tell. People speak in contractions. They don’t say, “I am.” They say “I’m. Make Shawna perkier with shorter sentences. Use a comma with introductory phrases. When Adam returned to his apartment…” When he was showering…” Put him in one place for awhile. You move too quickly from his apartment to a sign on the way to the party. Think of Adam as being on a stage. Now move him around like a director would do. “Dressed to kill” and “fit like a glove” and “one-horse town” are overused phrases. Try for more original language. At the party, she took his hand and then she walked away? Is that what happened? Was the sun really just shining on him? Can you tell us more about the people at the party other than that they were older men? The end was a surprise. it came out of nowhere. You have the makings of a very good writer. Work a little on character development and the things I mentioned above. Why didn't Adam try harder to live?"
Intriguing and Modern
"The story is intriguing with its theme of youthful vanity looking for fame despite the homespun plain wisdom of his family. The draw of the bright lights and the big city are too much to resist with disastrous results. I would have liked to have read more about what happened at the party as it seems too big a leap to where he ends up but the writing style is well paced and the imagery is powerful with some haunting moments. A good read."
