Chapter 1 Discovery
She woke up again with every limb aching and body unable to move. Her eyes slowly squinted as she tried to prise her eyelids apart.
It was either a night of drinking heavily, or a night of hyper focusing on the newest interest she had. She felt her stomach in knots and dread consuming her as she realised the day was upon her again. She tried to get her thoughts together and run through every task she had to do before guzzling her coffee.
The mornings were the worst. The impending doom consumed her but reality was there really was nothing to fear. She led a predictable life and set rigidly by routine so she knew what was ahead. She needed desperately the routine to make her feel secure but hated every step of the predictability aspect.
She rolled out of bed and stretched herself to lunge towards the bathroom. Once in there she knew she would make up the pace and speed to start to embrace her day.
She knew she was different. She knew the quirks she had were not as usual or normal as she had suspected niaevely when she was young. Looking back she had floated around in her bubble of innocence unaware of what life would throw at her. Despite her fragility and vulnerability she was truly resilient and discovered strength in her she wouldn’t have ever expected. But like everyone living on adrenaline rushes the crashes became a lot harder and steeper. Recovery was longer and the armour showing signs of wear and tear. She knew she could dig deep to carry on but the days started to drain her a little more each day.
On the surface she led a very quiet life. No major events or social life. Led by routine and day to day life she appeared content and like she had everything she needed. Underneath however she lived trapped in a torturous world where she was stifled and suffocated by thoughts, past events and over whelming feelings.
She presented well. She coped well and she became the strong go to person who could talk through any situation to calm anyone needing it. She always knew what to do and what to say so was the reliable strong person when anyone felt in need.
Little did anyone know or care to find out that she couldn’t cope, she carried weights around with her of every burden of every word she was told. She felt suffocated to the point she couldn’t breathe. She stifled her screams when she sat alone as the noise of her thoughts in her head became too loud. She felt like she had been strapped to a chair and made to watch a re run of the parts of her life she couldn’t shake off. The parts that still made her feel pain and the feelings that consumed her. She carried it with her through her day to day life and only when she was alone did the torture begin again.
She knew everyone carried baggage or had a story to tell. She heard many from people who would lean on her. Emotional vampires at times that could only really release their grip once they felt better and satisfied.
She had tried medication and tried therapy but nothing could really ever eradicate the feelings. The emotions that are like a wave washing over her. She learnt to convince herself that it would pass or settle into the fact this is how it would be forever.
She would self medicate with highs and adrenaline rushes or periods of complete inactivity to restore and mend.
Then came the labels to diagnose and put her in a box. To make all the quirks make sense. But it only made them worse. The gulf even wider with regard to any understanding as with a label comes a stigma and many many pre conceived ideas.
The darkness started to become overwhelming and she knew it was going to take hold if she didn’t try to do something. However there seemed nothing much left to try. It was then that she decided something which was a decision that could change her life.
She had to take control. She had to be in control. She knew the darkness would be even more consuming as she started the journey but she had to try. The only other options were to continue or give up.
So she decided to start her journey ...
