Understand me.

I'd like to thank of myself as a father who was both firm and fun. Someone who would tell a joke or be a little funny before grounding a child. Not to make the situation ok or humorous. But in a way to were, I wouldn’t feel so bad for the punishment I was to give them. And just maybe they won't either. Maybe not the right choice as a father, but my choice. I was that father who would kiss them on the forehead before they went to sleep and smile as I closed the door. How I miss that so. Now day's as the kid's have grown and the family has grown. To now, were life has gave me a new joy. "grandbabies". Each one with their own makeup. It's been pointed out that I have a lot to learn about being grandpa. With each age and each character they have, I seem to stay in trouble alot with them. To much candy or defying what there parents tell them, pretty sure I need to stop that. Maybe a little over protective with the little ones. But I love each one of them. My family or I should say everyone in my life has always allowed me to pursue my love for music and career or ventures as some would say, I'm very thankful and blessed for that. Now as I'm older not really wiser but really more aware of my surroundings, it's as if life itself has said it's time to see life in real time. It doesn't paint a pretty picture, but one your faced with. Nothing really changed. you just see things as they are. It's alittle troubling at this time to see my parents at yet another turning point in there life, in which they have become very frail and confused. My father known to be a hard working man and a straight shooter. He's well connected with reputable executives and a big volunteer of the community. It's appearance shows that time has caught up as he fights to get out the door. Mom as with most mom's, always giving to who ever was in need. whether it be food, clothes or even her blood. She would always be there. She's Tired it shows, when you truly look into her eyes one could see this. As if they are saying I just would like to go away for a little while. When it's your mother it breaks your heart. As you watch your mother who has lost most of her friends, many loved one's and others from passing. I know deep down that one day, I'm going to wish I had grabbed her hand and said. it's ok mom let's take off for awhile. Seeing this as if it wasn't there before, but it's been there the whole time. One start to wonder how fast that moment will reach your life as you trun older. As my eyes are open, I find myself only thinking about the temple that one is placed, Choices that one has to make. A crossroad of sorts, and you know that your being looked at to be on the right road. One really never know's the out come of ether path they may take, one could fail as much as the other. No one knows the silence and the battle in your head. So I ask myself, is the choice or choices you have made, is it enough. Is it enough to hold thing's together. Constantly beating myself up with those questions. As we get older we find, or most find that we each play a role in life. and sometimes that role is given. You don't know how, or at times why. But some are put there for good reason. And usually that person is the one that ties everything together. With that I find myself only looking at the future, it seems to be the only way I can find in my head to keep hope alive.

The most painful letter I read in my entire life was also the shortest letter. A letter that had been written by me. It's strange when you find yourself in sadness. but with a feeling of a weird Com at the same time. It was the only letter that didn’t make me smile from a joke or seeing something funny. It made me realize that we care too much about things that don’t matter much. I have ask myself why is it so easy to tell someone how to fix a problem. or steps they can take, to find the answers for what there look for. but you can't seem to find the same answers for your self. And the truth is, I try to find answers. not for myself but for the ones who depends on me, to have the right answers and rightfully so. Which takes me back to choices and my letter that I had written. The letter had been written many years ago. I couldn't say when it was written but only know that I had written it. And in that time i must had been hurt, withdrawn. And the feeling of loneliness in my life. But as I read the letter it was as if I was reading about someone else. feeling the sadness and the emptiness that he must have felt. No one should have such feelings in there life. And to realize once again that the story that I was reading was about me. I do hold my head up a lot more now than I did. And I know that my guardian angel is very tired from the battles She has fault. not knowing the task That she would ender with me. I feel at times that I'm alone to fight these battles, and sometimes pray on her behalf. Sometimes I ask myself I’m i lost enough for God to answer.

It will be alright I tell myself. It will be alright.

Don’t worry you have survived being thrown around before, seeing different perspectives in this life. I tell myself. I am being suffocated to cherish the air once again. Yes...

I give myself a pep talk.

I count my blessings.

One by one.

I remind myself that I cannot rely on others for my personal happiness, even though I know they are there. That responsibility is mine.

I remind myself that I should have a will of inner strength. But it gets empty at time's. I tell myself that you're doing the best you can right now, and your friends and family love you no matter how badly you feel. I know it's hard countless other people struggling just as I am struggling right now. Day after day my head is spinning with feelings of shame and guilt, not to let anyone down. It's not depression, as one would say. while standing back and trying to analyze my Situation that themself has never been placed. I know that feeling to well, and it's damaging and dark. No this is a battle.. I wake up excited and ready to take on the day. Ever so positive, by days end I can’t wait to get home and hide and hope once again I made the right choice. I do Apologize and I'm sorry if I've seemed distant and not the norm I promise it's not intentional. Life is a battle and I'm always looking for Ammunition to battle back. Just know if I'm the one that you are relying on in this life, know I'm doing my best.