Chapter 1
Rain poured carelessly from a churning molten silver sky, dredging up the heat trapped underneath baking gravel roads, allowing it to rise to the surface-its steamy tendrils making the air hot and heavy with the cloying presence of monsoon. Annie peeked out from underneath the wide brim of the sombre umbrella held aloft her head by her mother, blocking off majority of the torrent. However, the lower half of her body was already drenched from the slanting rain, her white cotton shalwar sticking to her shin like a second skin almost see-through.
A group of men lifted a small wooden casket and hoisted it into the waiting ambulance, giving a sigh of relief as if it weighed a ton rather than just a few pounds. Nehlofir would have quipped something about the virility of modern men. The though made her smile, her chapped lips pulling painfully over her teeth, even as her eyes watered with the biting realization that she would never hear her best friend’s voice again, or her scathing sarcasm always treading the fine line between humour and offensive. Except probably in her memories, and even then, for how long would she be able to hold on? The dogged plays of time would blur the contours of her face and features; fuzzing away the pitch and cadence of her voice- the soft seductive lilt that was more calming than any lullaby and the loud rambunctious laugh that spilled forth with mischief and glowed with the effervescence of youth. It would all fade away, washed out by time.
The rumble of the ambulance’s engine broke through her reverie. A man pulled the doors to the ambulance shut, and the ambulance ambled forward in the pouring rain through the slew of sludge, taking the small forlorn casket further and further away from the small crowd of mourners.
Her mother sighed once the ambulance rolled out of view, and Annie thought she could also see her bottom lip trembling as she tried to swallow back her emotions.
“Come on, lets go back inside, sweetie.” Her mother started to lead her away. The thought of going back inside, to the sickening smell of roses, and overpowering sorrow made her stomach roil. Not to mention the sly sidelong glances everyone gave her, as if to ask how long before it’s you? If the hushed whispers were anything to go by, they half-expected her not to last through the night, hoping her emotional upheaval would finally drive her to the edge and put a stop to the story once and for all. After all she was the only one left.
Who knew? Maybe today was the day. However even as she thought that her mind rebelled against the idea. Just the thought of being trapped in that cramped space six feet under in the darkness filled her with terror. That darkness terrified her far more than life did, and it was that fear that drove her through life.
“I don’t want to go back inside. Is it okay if I go home?” She asked her voice hoarse. Her mother looked over her in concern, as she lightly brushed a lock of her dark hair away from her forehead.
“Sure, if that’s what you want. You’re not feeling unwell, are you? “
Annie shook her head, “No, I just want to go back home.”
“Okay, you go home. I might be home late, I want to make sure Saira’s okay.”
“Her daughter just slit her wrists mom, I doubt she’ll be “okay” anytime soon.” She murmured, as she walked passed her through the open patio doors, ignoring her mother’s gasp.
“Annie,” Her mother caught up to her and held her by the elbow, trying to keep her voice down, “That is an incredibly insensitive thing to say.”
Annie shrugged off her mother’s hand, her throat clogging up as she felt an invisible weight on her chest pressing down. “Well, it’s true.”
“Still, there’s no need to be so crude about it. I don’t know what’s gotten into you.” She shook her head as she closed the umbrella and passed it to her. Annie turned away without saying anything the weight on her chest getting heavier by the second and she’d be damned if she let anyone of these gossip-mongers see her cry. Nehlofir would have bitch-slapped her, if she let them see her so weak.
She wove her way through the crowd, feeling the weight of everyone’s stares as she went along however, she kept her eyes firmly affixed on the floor below her, her hand clenched so tightly around the umbrella that her knuckles bleached white.
Outside, the sky had darkened even further as she made her way down the long-deserted driveway, not bothering to open her umbrella. The rain beating down on her almost therapeutic. She rummaged around in her to locate her keys.
“Leaving already?”
Annie whipped around, the blood draining from her face, keys forgotten she stared into cold dark grey eyes. He stood under the refuge of a wide brimmed umbrella giving the impression of a dark cloud hovering ominously above him. She had hoped time and distance would dim the effect his presence had on her. However, his presence still evoked the same sense of awe within her. Misplaced though it was she couldn’t escape it. The connection she’d always felt to him sparking to life, borne out of a familiarity she hadn’t felt with anybody else. She felt like that seventeen-year-old girl again, standing on the brink of adulthood, scared and beaten down, too uncertain to take that leap. The girl who had leapt at the scraps of kindness he’d shown her; hungry for his attention and approval in a world that had given up on her. She had hoped she’d left that girl behind.
He approached her, his eyes never leaving her as they roamed over her face like a whisper soft caress. Goose-bumps broke out over arms and a tingling sensation crawled up the nape of her neck, her nerves hyper-alert. He looked almost the same as she remembered. The only differences were the specks of silver near his temples and the smattering of lines near his eyes, hidden effectively by the thick dark-framed glasses he wore. His tall form clad immaculately in black gave him a distinguished aura.
“Its been a long time.” He said as he came closer, stopping only a few feet away. The deep sound jilted her out of her stupor.
“Not long enough.” The rush she’d felt at seeing him dissipating as common sense slowly returned to her, along with the rage she’d kept inside her for so long.
“How have you been?” He asked ignoring her baleful tone,his baritone voice like a sedative trying to calm her. He always had that effect on her. She didn’t know how he could disarm her so quickly, it was as if he knew how her mind worked, which buttons to push to get her to acquiesce.
However, right now her anger was her only weapon. She was defeated, weak and vulnerable like cracked glass ready to shatter with a mere breath. She couldn’t afford to lose her one defense against him, otherwise she’d break down and let him scrape up the pieces once again. And she couldn’t do that. She owed that to herself and Nehlofir.
“What are you doing here?” She glared at him.
“What do you think?” He raised a dark eyebrow, “I’m here to offer my condolences.”
“Condolences?” Annie snorted, “Wow, and here I thought you couldn’t be any more of a bastard than you already were.”
“There’s no need for that kind of language, Annie.” The calmness of his tone infuriated her.
“Can you be any more of a hypocrite?” She raged, her hands curling into fists at her sides. “How can you go in there and offer your sympathies to those people when you’re the reason why they’re daughter is dead.”
“Nehlofir, took her own life Annie. I had nothing to do with it.”
“You had everything to do with it!” She almost screamed, “You’re the one who pushed her towards the edge.”
“There is no need to shout, Annie.” He said firmly, “Even if I had as you say, “pushed” her to the edge. It was her choice to take the plunge. I’m just as devastated by what happened as you are but blaming other people won’t help anyone. She was a deeply troubled individual, you of all people knew that. Is it really so surprising that she’d do what she did?”
She stared at him in horrified disbelief, “Are you that delusional? Really?” She shook her head as tears rushed to her eyes, her control slipping, “I can’t believe I’m even discussing this with you. Of-course you won’t admit that your sick and twisted games ultimately destroyed her life.”
His eyes narrowed, “You know very well what destroyed her. Or do I need to refresh your memory? You call me a hypocrite, but you’re the one who abandoned her knowing that she needed you. How can you completely absolve yourself knowing that her emotional stability was linked to you?”
His words were like barbed wire scraping across her flesh, tearing through skin and flesh, making her bleed. Because part of what he said was true, she had abandoned Nehlofir. Turned her back on her, in self-preservation or selfishness she didn’t know, but whatever it was didn’t dim the regret and guilt throbbing within her.
Her tears mixed with the rain as she turned away, her voice breaking, “I can’t do this with you right now. I can’t play your games.”
He closed the distance between them putting a hand to her shoulder and turning her back towards him, bringing her within the shelter of his umbrella, “Look Annie, you’re too distraught right now. Come with me, we’ll go to my office and talk. It’ll be just like old times. Catch up on the past few years. You know you can talk to me about anything, no matter what I’ll never judge you. You know that.”
His voice was a seductive and heady concoction of kindness and acceptance, playing on her weakness, and she was getting drunk on it. She could already feel herself relenting, falling further and further under his spell. Her body softened under his touch and she almost let him lead her back into the past she tried so desperately to escape.
She shrugged off his hand, her heart beating fast as panic brewed inside her, her instincts urging her to get away. She couldn’t get swept away again into old habits and patterns even though he called to her like a drug to a recovering addict.
“Get away from me.” She looked at him with all the venom and hatred she could muster, “I’m not Nehlofir, who you can control so easily. I won’t fall for your lies again.”
“I know you aren’t. I could never confuse you with her. Your strength and will has always stood out.” He said quietly.
She backed away, “Stay away from me. Or I’ll tell everyone what you did.”
He met her gaze, no sense of panic looming on his face, “No you won’t. If you were going to, you’d have told everyone already. If I’m guilty you’re just as complicit. And besides would you betray your friend like that? Again? As for me staying away, I will, because I know in time, you’ll find me yourself.”
“Don’t delude yourself.” She bit out turning away, even though she had a deep unsettling feeling that he was right. She’d never tell anyone, doing so would be the highest form of betrayal. And she owed that to her friend. She just hoped to God she’d have enough strength to stay away from him, because even now walking away despite everything she had the urge to turn back.
