Awake

AWAKE

A day, a life turns memorable when its start being serendipitous. You’ve learn a lot perhaps discover new things. New to yourself. Who you really are, the things you’d not imagine you can do. Question suddenly popping to your head, seeking for answers that can be answered by yourself. I constantly questioning yourself, personal crisis I guess. Is that what they call it? Every night struggling to sleep to stop the overthinking turns to seek more answers but it just left more and more question. Is that boredom, loneliness, crisis or influence gave me.

In the morning when I wake up with a cup of coffee to make me feel my body and mind still exist. Oh it’s another day to fight. To conquer to face my personal problems, to pass every examination, to maintain the scholarship or to not disappoint my parents but in the end it is just to not disappoint myself. I constantly says that what my mom wanted or my parents will look down on me rather disappoint my whole family. But it was me who is disappointed to myself, the pride and ego that makes me sad, exhausted and pressured.

However, it stop when I met him. Let start from the beginning because who starts at the end. First day at class, I was quite, shit not I am overly overwhelmed it means extreme. It’s like a culture shock for me. The college when I studied from kindergarten up to being senior high school just change. There is a lot of students that I don’t even know how many are they. It is a college institution that you’ve known the faces of everyone and suddenly change that day. I wanted to get of the campus to have a fresh air to take a breath to take in all that new environment of mine.

As days goes by I finally calm myself and absorb everything. A day of school day, it sucks. I went to school without hurrying just not to be late perhaps to a lie. I go to school early to talk with my friends. We have a lot to talk about happening in life and adjustment to the new people. The bell ring it’s time to get to our separate rooms. We are not use to that as for more than four years we go to the same room. I felt lonely kind of wanting that we could be together. Entering in rooms waiting to break time and going back for class and waiting for lunch break. As I waiting to be dismiss I look at the sky that about to get dark, is this the worst day of boredom in life that for this day I didn’t bought the umbrella. Oh the bell just ring my friend waiting outside. As I hurry and ask if she have an umbrella, wow she doesn’t have. A random guy is approaching us offering his umbrella as he stop and giving it to me. I guess he hear us. And guess what it turns out he is my classmate. I am giving back his umbrella because I am shy seriously from a stranger but he insisted. And return it afterward.

As days pass by. We have a seat plan in one of the subject with our old, genius and repetitive same discussion and topic almost a week. The umbrella guy is my seatmate. In that one hour I am so quite browsing through my phone and sometimes listening to my professor if there is new topic to discuss. The umbrella guy suddenly able to talk. As me notes, turns to asking what I like. And turns to asking him anything to him too as being friendly. Suddenly we are being talkative than before. And I don’t really think it is bad. A busy week ahead to come. The school works, thesis, research, business plan, performance task and other activities that make us busy and tired at the same time.

Finally all of the school works are done. It goes back to a normal school days. The umbrella guy turns out my seatmate who I talk with. We’ve start being comfortable to talk to and realty great turning to be friends. Out of know where, he just randomly says I love you to me and left me shock. What was that was I flirting to him as I reviewed I never give any signs that I like him. Every day it happened I just laugh because it was a joke. As he repeat saying those word, it turns getting awkward to me. He just say and smile and walk away I never get a chance to talk about it. I tried but I overheard him talking to his friends said this statement “it is easy to say words you doesn’t mean at all”. Oh, thinking that I had an answer to my question. I walk to the room of my friend to avoid him because it is awkward not just about that but it also ruin the chance to be friend with him. Me and my friend chitchats, talking and talking and she bring up topic about him a bit shock. First I went hear to avoid him then talk about him she has no idea about him I didn’t told her yet. Then she talk and talk and listen even not but the only phrase I remembered that she have a crush on her and asking me to introduce her to him. Apparently, I said yes and started to talk to him again and talking positive about my friend. Without realizing he would get offended as I realize it just about now. And he played it cool and turns great. They start chatting to each other.

The time pass by he is not my classmate anymore nor my friends. I doesn’t know everyone again then I saw my previous classmates. I was with them and one of his friend. As he talk about him and other former classmates. More and more months pass, my friend and him was being in touch again and as of me that slightly awkward. He suddenly want to hang out with my friend and my friend was very happy in it. Well, I never told her and decided not to anymore as I see her happy with simple messages she receives. My friend ask me and my other friends to drink some. As I have a feeling she has problem but waiting for her to talk about it, when she is ready. She talk and it’s about him and she let me read the messages and he was so numb or acting numb or doesn’t have any feelings in those text. Then I realize, it take me a while to realize it, and it is a way to get back on me. It is not the end because there is no beginning at all. It’s not that I hate him. Not that I liked him. It is how fear, coward and risk averse goes.

The fear of being rejected, to fail, embarrass and to disappoint make every situation more complicated. It turns to regret that for that moment you can change what is now. I am disgusted regrets and hate every what ifs in life. Let our daily lives But what I hate the most is the what ifs he left on me. Constantly seeking for the answer for, who you really are, what things you’d not imagine you can do and would be a day, a life turns memorable with you that keeps me awake all night.