Chapter 1
I bounced the tennis ball of the window. The “shatter-resistant” glass vibrating as it hit. As soon as it would slow to almost stopping, I would bounce it again. Now, it sounded like it would shatter so I stopped. My life was already in a million pieces. I didn’t want the window to be too. Taking it in my left hand, I rubbed the ball with my thumb feeling the texture. It was the softest thing in the place. The scratchy hospital issued blanket I was sitting on was nothing compared to this. I don’t remember how I got the ball and I didn't even know if i was allowed to have it so as soon as I heard the footsteps I hid it. It sounded like the clomping of heavy shoes against the hard tile floor. A knock on my door, and a nurse entered.She was wearing all yellow and i felt like it was way too bright for me.
“How are you doing today, sweetheart?” the nurse asked me.
I always lied to them. “I’m doing really well today,” I said.
“That is amazing! Great that you’re enjoying life!” she said.
I didn’t like talking. I gave her the shortest answers. “Yep,” I said.
“Just the few usual questions, nothing special. Just make sure to answer with your heart and be honest,” she said.
I gave her a mocking tone but i don’t think she recognized it. “Nothing special,″ I said.
“Yes sweetheart, nothing special.” she said. “Any thougts of suicide, self harm, or death overall?” she asked.
“Never,” I said.
“Good, great to hear. No loss of appetite?” she asked
“No,” I said.
“No problems I should know of?” she asked
“Not at all,” I said.
“Well, well, well, then I just have to give you your medications and I’ll be on my way! Here you go,” she said as she placed 3 pills in my hand. “Have a good day,”
I was relieved when she finally left. I examined the pills. The one just a small, white, circular tablet that had an indented line down the middle. The other was yellow but not like the nurses uniform. This was a pale yellow. Not my favorite color, but I didn’t hate it. At home, I had a sweatshirt the same color. So everyday, seeing these pills I thought of home. Sometimes it was a depressing thought. The third pill was like an oval. It read “Tylenol 500”. It was the only one I recognized. Tylenol was the solution to all problems at home. Headache? Tylenol. Sore from the gym? Tylenol. Need to go to sleep? For some reason Tylenol always worked for me. Struggling to swallow them, I took the pills. I hated it. I hated the fact that I even had to take medication and the taste that remained in my mouth was unpleasant. Swallowing pills always left me with this feeling like something was caught in my throat and sometimes, it left me struggling to breathe. She didn’t give me much water to take them with either.
I was so tempted to break the window just to get a few drops of rain. My mouth was dry and uncomfortable. I’m sure it wouldn’t be that difficult. If I could just open the window and collect the rain with my hands. Maybe even stick my head out the window and let it run down on me. I liked the rain. I longed for it. I think it was the sound or maybe it was the way that when it rained everyone would run, and stay inside leaving a silent earth.
