Denial

NOTE: This book touches on topics such as homophobia, and things like that, so if you are homophobic, if you can’t love someone for being themselves, if you think homosexuality is a sin, then stop reading. If you are not homophobic, then just ignore this.

Ever since I was 9, I’ve always known something was- different. When you come from a super religious family, being gay was literally worse than murder. I was always told, that being gay is an abomination and that God can’t send you to heaven if you were gay.

So, that’s how I thought of gay people. I felt bad for them because they were gonna “go to hell”.

But I’ve always thought of that as unfair. Why would you go to hell for something you didn’t choose to be?

For the past 4 years, I’ve always ignored the fact I was gay. I had felt an attraction to boys, but I always told myself I was straight because I didn’t want to “go to hell”. But as I got older, I started questioning it more.

One summer, I remember going through a serious stage of sadness. It wasn’t depression though. I was sad for a reason. It was just- I was mentally unstable. I lost a few friends in elementary school, for no particular reason, my parents were yelling about how financially unstable they were, blaming each other for things they didn’t do, and on top of all that, I didn’t know who I was. I had serious anxiety about what I was gonna do when I move out, (I was literally 12 so I don’t know why I was worried about that) and I didn’t know my sexuality.

I had a feeling I wasn’t straight. This feeling scared me. I wasn’t scared that I was gonna “go to hell”, because I don’t believe you can go to hell for being gay. I was more scared that my homophobic parents would see me as a different person. I was scared they would see me for my sexual orientation and not for myself.

A few months passed, and school started. I just moved from elementary school to middle school. I’ve never moved schools in my life, so I was obviously scared. A new school. New people. It was intimidating but- I got through it. And it wasn’t so bad.

A few weeks into school, I made a few new friends, and something crazy happened. I liked someone. But, it wasn’t a girl.

I didn’t even know the guy. I didn’t know him at all. But he was cute, I guess. Wait. Does this mean I’m- gay. No! Not at all. I just thought his voice was hot, and I thought everything about him was hot. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I’M GAY!

About a month passed, and I liked someone. Again. But it wasn’t a guy this time. IT WAS A GIRL! Wait a second. What am I! Why do I like a girls and boys? Wait. OH! How could I forget about bisexuality! I finally figured it out! But there’s one thing that I haven’t figured out: How am I gonna tell my parents. How am I gonna tell anyone.

My crush on the girl slowly faded away, and my crush on the boy started to increase. My 6th period teacher decided to put me and him next to each other. I really liked it, but my 6th period teacher didn’t give a damn about- anything we did, so the guy rarely sat next to me. But when he did, I stared at him. A lot. That day, he left early, which made me sad. Okay. When I first figured out I was bi, I just thought I was. But the day when I was staring at him, was the day I knew I was bisexual.

That day, I felt alone. I was crying in my bed because- I wanted to tell someone I was bisexual. But I was afraid. I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that, if I told everyone, people would be grossed out. But to be honest, what did I have to lose? Hardly anyone knew I existed. So, I told one of my best friends everything. And to my surprise, they were supportive. After that moment, I remember just crying. I wasn’t crying out of sadness. I was crying out of joy. That someone actually sees me for myself, and not for my sexual orientation.

I still haven’t told my parents about my sexuality, but I plan on it soon. I still have a huge crush on this guy, but I’m pretty sure he’s straight. Well, I do get a weird vibe that he does like me back, but I don’t wanna jinx it. Anyways, if you are going through the same things as I am, just know, as cliche as this sounds, it gets better. It may seem scary at first but I just want to tell you this. You are not gonna go to hell if you’re not straight. You can’t go to hell for something you didn’t choose. God is just (just means fair) and it would be so unfair to go to hell for something you didn’t choose. And if you’re scared of people not liking you, don’t be scared. There will always be someone out there who just doesn’t understand homosexuality. Not everyone will love you for who you are. And that is okay. The only person that needs to love you is yourself. You are the most important person in your life.

Anyways, that’s enough of my life. Thank you so much for caring enough to read this all the way. I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy this book. It’s based on things that have happened in my personal life. But that’s enough of me, enjoy the book.