Can't Stay Tranquil

Prologue - Can't Stay Tranquil.

Oliver

My heart pumped twice as fast, I could feel every vein in my body throbbing. The ringing in my ears louder than my own thoughts, for the stretch of time I felt this way I forgot how to breathe. Taking short raspy breaths which in no way filled my lungs, I just wanted to scream. Maybe if I screamed loud enough, louder than this ringing in my ears, my mind would be clearer.

He moved towards me gripping both my arms in a failed attempt to calm me, because as quickly as I felt his touch, I responded. I wanted that touch, I needed it, but this is poison. I'm only hurting myself. I refused to let the contact linger as the tip of his fingers grazed my bare arm.

I staggered a few steps back, I thought I was going to hit the floor and maybe, just maybe, it would open and take me away from all the things I've been faced with lately.

"Oliver, please calm down," he begged, motioning with his hands. He kept a safe distance between us.

Truly I just wanted to crash into his chest and ball my eyes out, but I was certain he didn't feel the same way. This haunted me, because I let myself fall too deep even Rapunzel's hair couldn't pull me out.

All I could hear was his sweet, caring voice. Yes the voice I fell for, the voice that got my emotions more messed up than they already were. I might seem cynical but I've always built tall brick walls surrounded by worthy knights to guard my heart, but this boy standing right in front of me just strolled right through them and made his way into the gates.

"I'm calm honestly, this is my best at being calm in a situation like this. I'm not mad or angry I'm just sad and tired, the sadness is eating me away rendering all the effort I've put into self-improvement futile," I spoke through the heavy lump in my throat.

Tears, daring to run loose like water from a dam that has finally conceded to the pressure.

I could feel it now as they made their way down my cheeks, tears that used to wet my pillow almost every night in highschool. I entered the university with an open mind, deciding to leave my gloomy personality behind me. But even now the decisions I make go against me, my highschool demons stayed close, and now they are here in the university with me.

"I really don't know what the problem is, but if I did something wrong, I'm really sorry Olly," he apologized for something he didn't even do, unnecessary drama strictly of my own making.

But was it drama? I really just wanted to save myself, I kept hurting and it got worse every passing day. Every day I woke up hopeful, ended with me being more depressed than I was the previous day. I shouldn't hold on but still I wanted to hold on, even my own thoughts and desires betrayed me.

"No," I waved my hands in the air as if stopping his words from reaching me, "you did nothing wrong, so please— please do not apologize to me again," I finished, tears still running down my face.

Flowing and flooding my eyes, they expressed exactly how I felt inside, I was immensely sad and confused. I've never felt this way before.

I hate this feeling, please make it stop.

"Then what's the problem? You're crying, honestly you're keeping me on edge. Jess said to talk to you but I don't think this conversation is getting us anywhere," he stated, taking a few steps forward which he decided against and just stood still, because I was very likely to push him away again if he came closer.

Will I though?

Whatever nuts kept my thoughts in place all came loose at once, because what I said next shocked me more than it shocked him.

"Oh typical Jess," I said with a sarcastic laugh, wiping my face with the back of my hand but it remained wet. "I need to stay away from you, you're not good for me," I blurted out and a confused frown formed on his face, but I ignored it and continued. "Why do I feel the need to stay away from you? Well, it's because I've fallen in love with you. I'm not sure if this is love but these feelings are way too strong, and it just hurts to know that you'll never see me this way and I'm hurting—I'm hurting so much I literally feel pain in my chest."

I stated all at once in between sobs, wiping the tears away again and pressing a hand to my chest. I was getting pissed at myself for not being able to bring myself to stop shedding tears.

Silence.

My eyes heavy and blurred by tears and black dots, I couldn't even dare to look at him but I eventually brought myself to. His expression was vague and hollow. His eyes unwavering and fixated at me, I couldn't read anything at all from his soft gaze that once had my legs feeling like jelly and my head spinning clockwise at the speed of light.

You've done it this time Oliver, I thought