1
Ever happened to be so fucked up in life that you get too numb to cry over pain? Yep that's me.
Welcome people, welcome to my life. Third school, I entered for my senior year. Same old feeling, nervous, apathetic, and sad.
"Goodmorning ma'am" bati ko sa gurong nasa harapan, rebonded ang buhok niya, na nasa 5 ft ang height, she nodded and smiled, I wandered the room with my eyes, at di ko nalang napansin na napatitig ako sa isang lalaking may kaputian, his dimples are so deep, I could drown myself in it, wait what? Nevermind. Napakagulo ng classroom, and when I say napakagulo, I mean the students and the chairs. Unlike last year, my previous school was somewhat organized as most of us are still acquainting with one another, I got to know one person on my first day, I thought she was totally nice, but I regret those days people were so mean. they show fake smiles with each other yet they talk against their back when that person's not around. Naaalala ko nung mga araw na ginamit nila ako, for the sake of their grades, they were toying me to get what they wanted, at ako naman si tanga, nagpapagamit dahil wala akong mga kaibigan ng mga panahong iyon.
"Uy Ken kuha ka ng isa pang upuan sa kabilang room" rinig kong sinabi nung lalakeng maputi sa kasama niyang maskulado at may pagkamatured ang hitsura, the guy obliged, at lumabas sa room.
I stayed silent for a while but not too long, as a chubby girl with a very long straight brown hair asked me my name.
"Hi anong pangalan mo?" she yelled as if I was on the other side of the world, with a fake smile, I saw a glimpse of her bitchy attitude, wow my instincts are crazy.
"Chris" I blurted.
"Ano raw?" she asked her yet another chubby seatmates, what's with this people with the same body figure? Chubby? Do they eat the same amount of food? And oh fuck I hate long ass hair, and when I say ass I mean those hair literally reaches their ass. What have I done to make this decision anyways, why did I chose this school!?
MAkaraan ang ilan pang minuto bumalik na ang lalakeng maskulado na may dalang upuan, ipinwesto niya ito sa grupo ng mga babae, I sat at the back with this two girls. The girl on my right has an average hair length, that reaches her back. And on her right side, was these girl that has a very long ass hair, again. As I sat, I fixed my hair with my ever loyal comb stuck in my bag for 3 years. The girl on my right asked to borrow my comb too. Ugh I hate sharing my things.
"Hi I'm Deign" she half smiled. "and this is Delilah" she introduced me her friend with the long hair.
As the class preceded with the lecture. Thank god no introduce yourself shit happened. I sat silently as I sketched my third doodle, the lecture bored me to death until the bell rung.
"Alam mo, wag na wag kang sasama sa mga matatabang babae na yun, yung nagtanong sa pangalan mo, yun si Mika, tapos yung mejo maitim na mahaba ang buhok niya yun naman si Kitch, tapos yung mataba nanaman na maikli ang buhok, yun si Cristel" she told me with a warning laced in her voice.
"okay" I said nonchalantly, "bakit naman?" tanong ko habang nak-curious kung bakit niya ito sinasabi ko ngayon
"just saying, kung ayaw mong mainvolve sa isang toxic na friendship" sagot niya sakin habang nasa canteen kami, napakadaming sudyante, I feel suffocated. The day went on really boring as teachers introduced their lessons for the incoming days and months and the whole next semester. Making it impossible for me ti sync in everything.
Pag uwi ko, hindi na ako nag atubiling magpalit ng damit, at nahiga na lamang, promising myself to take just a nap.
Nagising na lamang ako sa phone kong nagv-vibrate, si Mark tumatawag. I ignored it and went back to sleep.
****
"Nak gising na" my mother woke me up at fucking 6 in the morning. I groaned and went back to sleep, ayoko munang pumasok sa mental hospital na 'yon, I need rest from all the fucked up people inside that place, though I know I'm more messed up than they are.
As usual, late ako, same old Chris, wala talagang nagbago. As I reached school, I entered slowly inside the room, and time for research subject. The teacher went on sa discussion, but was interrupted ng magtanong si Ken, yung maskuladong lalake na nagbigay ng upuan sa akin, that lead half of the class arguing about a certain thin, na naresolba naman agad.
"Eh ma'am bakit hindi pwede ang rule na yan sa quantitative eh may numbers naman or may data naman siya" tanong ni Jaz na may hawak na malaking phone o tablet pa sa kamay, tablet, really? That is so 2014 thing. He was that dude, na maputi, total turn off ang tab niya.
"yes uhm what is your name mister?-"
"Jaz ma'am" he answered
"yes uhm Jaz, hindi mo pwedeng isali sa quantitative research mo ang isang data unless it is treated na and interconnected siya sa research mo, BUT, there's a but there, hindi mo siya maaaring ilagay sa statistics mo kapag interconnection lang kasi you don't own that data so ang mangyayari sa RRL lang siya, since iba ang nagstudy jan, and you need to site the author" she explained further and blablabla. This guy just can't seem to understand the goddamn idea our teacher is saying as he keeps asking so many questions about what my teacher said so I raised my hand and the teacher nodded for me.
"excuse me Mr. Jaz, I'll just aid that question into a simpler answer, as to what our teacher told us, you can't include that specific data sa statistics mo unless you own it, can't you not understand what RRL means? It means Review of Related Literature. Kapag nagsite ka sa research ng iba that is connected sa research mo or may pagkakatulad sa research mo, hindi mo pwedeng kunin ang data gathered sa research na yun because the author owns it, you need to make your own, RESEARCH YOUR OWN, got it? So basically yung nahanap mong research ng other authors would fall to review of related literature or the one that our teacher calls rrl" I snapped so he would understand it clearly. Everyone was astounded, even that Jovanie dude. Natahimik silang lahat.
"wow, pabibo" this short super tan girl murmured to herself but of course I heard it.
"yeah, pabibo, like you can get it though, dumb fuck" I snapped back to the girl in front of me. Napanganga na lamang siya sa sinabi ko, I guess this is the fucking queen bee in this school
"wag mo nalang din patulan yan, insecure lang yan, at tsaka transferee din yan dati dito sa school, sa malamang, naiinggit sayo kasi hindi siya nakapag recite sa first week niya noon" Deign murmured to me na may halong tawa. I laughed slightly, and that short girl glared at me.
Oh well fuck you and your attitude young lady. I thought to myself. Nagpatuloy na ang klase, I earned an applaud from our teacher. Pero I don't wanna flatter myself dahil alam kong hindi naman ako ganoon kagaling, and I know I'll just end up disappointing myself because I know I am not good enough sa bagay na pinagtuunan ko ng pansin at binigyan ng oras at pagod.
Break time, and I found myself again gazing at the sky. Suddenly my wonderous mind set off ng mag-vibrate nanaman ang phone ko. Si Mark nanaman. This time I answered it.
"Yes?" I answered bluntly
"God C bakit hindi mo sinasagot ang calls ko?" galit na galit na siya.
"well sorry tiring ang araw ko" I said dead toned
"yes sorry! Kagabi pa kasi kita tinatawagan, and you just hung up on me! God I'm not your ex na bababaan mo ng tawag hah" panenermon nanaman niya.
"well look who's talking! You're just a guy that likes me, remember we came to terms na walang label kasi diba? You are not emotionally prepared dahil jan sa ex mong manloloko" sumbat ko sakanya habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong umiyak dahil sa sakit ng salitang binitawan niya, I still love my ex, how dare he bring him up.
"and oh, sawa na ako sa mga pambubulyaw mo sakin! Sawa na akong sumusunod sa mga gusto mo, sawa na akong pinagbibigyan ka, I'm tired Mark, gusto mo ikaw nalang palagi tong pinapakinggan, gusto mo ikaw lagi tong iniintindi, gusto mo ikaw lagi ang laman ng kwento. I feel so obligated with your feelings! Ayokong maoffend ka pero this is too much! Masyado kang self centered na hindi mo na naiisip yung iba! Alam mo? Nakakasawa na sobrang sawang sawa na ako sa mga nakakasawang kwento mo, demands mo and other shits! Ayoko na sayo because you always proved me right that you're just like any other guys too, sobrang napakayabang mo at namimilit ka palagi, ayoko na." I sighed.
"what? Ayaw mo na? So you're done?" he asked me
"you heard me right, everytime I don't answer your calls or I don't text back, you always bring up Ben! You know how much I loved him, he was my first boyfriend and you're too insensitive para ibalik at paalalahanan pa ako sa sakit na dinulot niya sakin!" sagot ko. At eksaktong nagring na ang bell, indicating that its time for biology.
"I have to go, bye" I hung up. And went back to my classroom.
"Okay class, we have an activity today, I'll group you into four, okay start counting" she nodded to this petite girl na napakagulo ng buhok, ugh looks like a witch with her big eyes and large bags underneath it.
Seriously Chris, you need to stop making inside jokes out of everyone inside these room. C'mon its not funny, well maybe yeah, lalo na ngayon at napakadaming katawa tawang nangyayari inside the class, like Delilah offering me a lipstick, but hell no I wouldn't wanna use it, I don't do lipstick or make ups, and then another one these dude just bumped into me yesterday as I walked pass my classroom, he was so good looking and he could be a boyfriend material pero ng magsorry na siya his breathe was so nasty.
Okay fine I'll stop making fun out of everyone. As I stiffled a laugh out of my own daydream, ako na pala ang susunod sa bilang, siniko ako ni Deign at sinabi one, I did said one loud enough to be heard.
"Malas" sambit nung lalakeng tanong ng tanong kanina sa research subject. Jaz. I eyed him raising one brow.
Our teacher assigned us to our designated groups and malas nga talaga, ka group ko yung maskuladong lalake, si mr. Jovanie, tatlo pang guy na hindi ko pa kilala. So basically gagawa kami ng animal cell and plant cell out of indigenous materials which means, lalabas kami ng classroom, at maghahanap ng kung ano mang bagay ang mahanap namin that's accurate to our "work of art".
As we went out, Jaz led our way. namulot kami ng mga recyclable materials tulad ng straw, tali, caps at iba pang bagay, Jaz was just there, impressing little gilrs and when I say little, I mean Juniors.
"what the!?" gulat na gulat siya, his eyes widened and I stared at him dead in the eye.
"you think you can just let me pick shits! Wag mokong pinagpupulot ng kung ano ano! I'm not your slave asshole!" pagsusungit ko sakanya.
"hah? Slave ka na niyan? Miss, groupmates tayo, ang posisyon mo sa grupong to, member lang, ako leader, so wag kang magreklamo, dahil pwede kitang tanggalin sa grupo" sagot niya habang pinupulot ang mga bagay na napulot namin kani kanina lang at palapit siya ng palapit sakin, nanlaki ang mga mata as he moved closer to me, sa sobrang lapit namin sa isa't, nararamdaman ko na ang paghinga niya.
"baby!" dinig sa may malayo. Babae siya. I looked at where the voice came from. Babae nga, gosh Chris use your fucking mind will you? My subconscious slap me.
Jaz distanced himself away from me at tsaka siya lumapit sa babaeng nasa field. Hinalikan niya ito sa pisngi at nag usap saglit. Ayaw kong maging intruder at makinig sa pinaguusapan nila kaya bumalik nalang ako ng classroom at dun nalamang hinintay ang groupmates ko.
How could that guy blackmail me. Tatanggalin daw ako sa grupo. Oh you wish asshole. And suddenly may pumasok sa isip kong napakademonyo, ngumisi ako at saka tumayo at lumapit sa biology teacher namin.
This is it "baby" i baby mo yang mukha mo hangga't wala ka pa sa classroom. *evil laugh*
