Jolene

June 18th, 1964.

It was eleven days until my 16th birthday, and I was on my last bus.

Five busses I had to take to get back, which matched the five dollars I had to my name; that bus fare really made a dent in that.

I wasn’t used to being home without my dad being there.

My dad dropped dead a month before I decided to leave town, which is part of why I was glad to leave in the first place.

As for my mom, we never saw eye to eye; they say she just left because she couldn’t handle the stress of it all: three kids, no job, no husband.

All I had left, family-wise, were my siblings. I was only really close to my dad and my brother, Jesse. My sister, Marie, was always the favorite, so I guess I just resented her for it. My brother was a bit of an underachiever in school but the hardest worker when in came to his job; he worked in a car repair shop with his girlfriend’s father. Like me, he had wavy brown hair and green eyes and some light freckles across his nose. He also had a small gap in his front teeth, his most defining feature that he got from our mother; my sister and I didn’t get it. My sister was basically my mother inside and out, which is probably why they were so close. Like my mother, she had naturally pin-straight dark brown hair, bright blue eyes to contrast it and an award-winning smile. The only thing she cared about was how she looked, what others thought and where she was on the social ladder; this is something I thought people grew out of, I guess Marie is the exception.

I started to think about how they would react, my family and my friends. I wondered if they were still there, maybe someone moved or, knowing my town, died or went to prison. Maybe some went to prison and died...or moved away, went to prison, then died; the possibilities were endless and my brain let me know of all of them.

I knew my family loved me, but we were never an emotional family. So, when it comes to things like this, I had no clue how it would go. I could see them act like I went out to get a carton of milk, or they could be pissed at me for weeks. Because of this uncertainty, I was terrified. I was unable to prepare myself and be present to whatever they had to say about my return. All I wanted was to not disassociate and feel something.

Thats something I missed, feeling. I got pretty used to being in another place mentally when things became overwhelming.

I just wanted to be me again.

This last ride felt the fastest. My heart was racing as the bus stopped; I picked up all my things and made my way out of the bus. I walked out onto the cracked pavement, and I gripped my bags tighter. The sun had just set, and a gentle cool breeze walked past as I stood there motionless. I still had a small way to go, so I had some time to breathe and collect my thoughts. I looked around before I decided to start walking.

My heart was going crazy, and my thoughts were so loud but I could still hear the sound of my heart thumping away; my hands were shaky, and my palms were getting clammy.

I reached my block, and it felt surreal. The road was empty, some porch lights flickered, and cicadas were chirping up a storm. I took a deep breath before walking down towards my house. I looked at the other homes as I passed. I left for two years, but I feel like I never left; this place was just frozen in time.

I finally saw my door.

The lights were on in the front room. I walked up the splinter ridden wooden steps and put my bags down; I looked back. I could’ve just run again; the next bus was in forty-five minutes. But something made me stay; perhaps it was the lack of money in my pocket.

I stood under the buzzing porch light, listening to the moths as they were bumping against it. Just as I brought up the courage to knock, I heard someone inside running toward the door and felt a gust of air as the door swung open. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, I was being embraced; it was my brother. I cautiously hugged back, and tears started to fall from my eyes involuntarily. I soon felt another embrace; it was my sister. She began to sob, and I put my head down not to show I was crying.

We sat there for a good minute or two, just hugging. We’ve never had a moment like this, and I wasn’t complaining, but I didn’t know what to say or do.

When we separated, I quickly wiped my tears as Jesse picked up my bags and went inside; Marie just stood in disbelief. So far nothing had been said, we weren’t much for words, but I expected to be reprimanded or something by now.

Marie looked around for a bit before breaking the silence.

“Is she with you?” she asked; she could hardly look at me.

“Who?” I asked, knowing damn well who she was referring to.

“Mom,” she said hesitantly. “She didn’t come back with you?” she asked, getting concerned.

“Are you gonna come on in?” Jesse asked, standing in the doorway. I nodded and walked in at a slower pace than I usually would.

“I’ll explain it inside,” I said, looking back at her.

When looking around the house, I noticed that, unlike outside, much had changed. It was messier; our family pictures had been taken down except for one or two of our dad; it wasn’t the same home I left.

“Where is she?” Marie asked, getting upset. Jesse, just now listening to our conversation, joined in.

“Yeah, is she coming later or something?” he asked. I sat down on the couch and looked up at them.

I just so happened to be staying up the night our mother left; I saw her with all her shit packed and headed for our car. I chased after her before she got to leave and “talked” with her. She ended up trying to make a deal with me to join her in leaving. Turns out, her sister found out my father died and offered her to come back home to their parent’s huge estate but she couldn’t take us.

I found out later through said aunt that my mother never told their father about us since he didn’t approve of my parents getting married, so she moved a few states away and didn’t even bother to write all in the name of love. Her mom, my grandma, got in touch with her a couple years after Marie was born but they wrote in secret as her father disowned her and my father hated her family.

She saw her way out of a life she never wanted and tried to take it without considering who she’d hurt in the process. She could finally go back to her only worry being what she’s gonna wear or what pair of diamond earrings she should get.

Yet, that’s not how her oh so perfect plan went, but I didn’t know what to say to my siblings, especially Marie.

“She ditched me,” I said before looking back at the ground.

“What do you mean?” Marie asked.

“What it sounds like, she fucking up and left while I was sleeping one night” I responded, still not looking at them. “She left me to fend for myself”

“Okay,” Marie started as she sat next to me. “I can’t even begin to wrap my head around all this”

“You have no clue how many times I wanted to come back but I...” I started

“Why did you leave in the first place?” she asked, interrupting me.

“It was a spli-” I started, before getting cut off again.

“Why did she take you?” she asked, getting increasingly annoyed.

“I caught her leaving so-” I answered.

“So instead of coming back, you both decided to ditch us?” she asked. Jesse sat down at the kitchen table, watching our conversation.

“I wasn’t thinking, so much shit was going on during that time, Marie,” I said.

“You know you weren’t the only one who lost dad, right?” she asked rhetorically, “you know we exist, right?”

“Yes” I answered

“Marie, I think we should get into this more tomorrow” Jesse finally pitched in.

“What? She up and leaves for two years and I can’t ask her these basic questions?” she asked

“I know, I know,” Jesse said, getting up. “I want all the questions asked and answered but I think we should just relax and be happy she’s back,” Jesse said.

“Maybe I would be happier if mom was with her” Marie sassed

“I got that, but she isn’t here” he argued, “but she is,” he said, nodding his head toward me. “With that being said, we were just about to have dinner if you’re interested,” Jesse said, crossing his arms.

“Yeah...yeah definitely,” I responded, feeling like I was in a daze as I was walking up to the table. Marie just groaned and walked into the kitchen, grabbing things to set the table. I watched her as she started to put plates down.“Do you need any help?” I asked. There was a slight pause where she just looked at me.

“You’ve never asked me that before” she half-joked with an angry tone.

“Yeah, well, I guess,” I shrugged and sat down. She sighed deeply and put down the last plate, standing there for a minute before looking at me.

“Where did you go?” she asked in a hushed tone, her voice cracking. I stayed sitting and just bit my tongue, and I was never very good at comforting people, so I just stuck back feeling uncomfortable. I was used to dealing with angry people, but crying just made me freeze. As this was happening, Jesse walked over to her and rubbed her back.

“We just left,” I responded, looking down at my empty plate; I couldn’t look her in the eye. I knew what I was saying didn’t answer her question, but I didn’t know what else to say; I didn’t want them to know too much just yet.

“That’s not what I asked,” she responded, sternly. I just shook my head and sat back.

“Let’s just enjoy being together right now; we can worry about all that tomorrow please,” Jesse pleaded. Marie just walked back into the kitchen and started bringing food out.

“How’s everyone been?” I hesitantly asked as he sat down, trying to move on and make some conversation; the silence killed me.

“Well, they’re all still alive,” he responded as calm as possible; I could tell he was pretty freaked out but he thought that if he reacted strongly I’d up and leave again.

“Shocking,” I joked.

“I know,” he chuckled. “I know that Andrei dropped out two days into junior year, and Tim started working at the factory” he added. I just nodded as I processed it. I missed all my friends; they were my family growing up. “Can’t think of everything right now” he added,” two years is a long time.”

“What about Don?” I asked, trying to avoid the ‘gone for two years’ thing. Jesse smirked and shook his head.

“Why? You missed him the most, eh?” he teased. I just smirked and rolled my eyes as a response. “He’s with some chick named Bea, they’ve been going pretty strong” he finally answered.

“That’s great to hear,” I said, smiling. Before I left, and for basically my whole life, I had a thing for Don, but I could never bring myself to tell him or anyone. Jesse eventually put two and two together and endlessly teased me about it. While we were talking, Marie finally sat down once everything was on the table.

“What about you, Marie?” I asked. She looked at me and shrugged.

“Nothing too crazy, ya know, Marshall and I broke up” she answered quickly, as if she was ready for this question, as she put some salad on her plate.

“Damn, when did that happen?” I asked, I hardly even remembered who that was.

“A year ago,” she snapped, looking down at her food. Usually, this is when I’d start giving an attitude back, but I thought she had the right to act like this.

“Listen, I just want to say this now...” I started; they both looked at me. “...I’m sorry. I know I can’t make up for the things I missed,” I said, looking at Marie. “I know I can’t make up for missing days where you guys needed me, and I know now how selfish that was, but I wasn’t thinking straight,” I said looking over at Jesse.

Looking back it was a pretty shit and ill timed/thought out apology, but it’s the thought that counts right?

“We were all hurting, Joey” Marie sassed. “But you don’t see all of us getting up and leaving our family behind” she added standing up. “I almost had to drop out of school and get a half-ass job just to keep us in this shit hole” she continued, raising her voice; I stayed sitting. “Jesse did what you were supposed to do instead while you were out there, already dropped out, doing God knows what, when you could’ve stayed here and helped us. He got another job on top of the other one; you’re blessed to see him right now ’cause I know I hardly do” she ranted. My temper finally got the best of me. I stood up and slammed my chair into the table.

“I don’t fucking need this” I yelled back as I started to walk towards my old room.

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Leave when things get a little too much?” she asked mockingly. “You think that you can just apologize and make what you did better?” she added. I turned back around and started to walk toward her.

“No, I don’t, but I thought it could be a start,” I argued. “Would you rather me not come back at all? Cause I coulda easily stayed where I was, but I wanted to come back to you guys,” I said.

“Oh, aren’t you just a fucking saint” she sassed, “Why don’t you just go back?” she asked. I stood there in shock. What happened to the sister who was happy I was home just moments ago? “The wrong fucking person came back!” she exclaimed, starting to cry.

“Guys!” Jesse exclaimed, wanting her to stop. She covered her face with her hands and went to her room. I stood there for a minute before walking out the door; he followed me out. “Jo, you know she doesn’t mean that you’re both just pissed,” he said, grabbing my shoulder. I quickly jerked my arm away and turned my head and looked at him. “Please,” he begged.

“I think that I need to just go for a walk,” I said, stepping back. “I’m not going anywhere; I’m home for good, I swear” I promised before turning around and walking off. He stood on the stoop and watched as I walked away before going back into the house, as I walked, I could hear the faint sound of the two of them arguing.

I ended up walking to the corner store by the main road where I got off the bus.

I bought a pack of cigarettes and a cola and sat outside the store. I put a cigarette between my lips and one behind my ear. As I lit it, I looked at the bus stop, thinking about where I was just the day before. On my own, not worrying about anyone but me.

I decided to continue walking after that, just because that was a pretty busy street, and I didn’t feel like having more reunion parties. I wasn’t ready to go from one friend to the whole gang again; I needed to ease back into my old life.

I kicked rocks and cola bottles while I walked around aimlessly, looking down at the pavement filled with cracks and litter.

About halfway into my walk, I finished my third cigarette, so I dropped it, stepped it out, then kicked it into the rest of this trash of a town.

I started thinking about what life was better: my old life or the one I have now. Those two years were filled with terrible shit, but all of it was happening to me, I didn’t make anyone cry by just showing up. I made friends, some people seemed to actually liked me.

I was happy to see my siblings again, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t know how long I could take Marie. She had every right to be upset, but knowing her this is only the tip of the emotional iceberg; I felt like she was about to make my life an emotional hell.

I walked around for a good two hours but it was getting a little chilly, so I decided I should start to head back. I thought Marie would be sleeping and I could deal with everything tomorrow. I passed houses of childhood friends, past teachers, pastors, people you’d see here and there. This just made everything that more surreal; I was back at the source of all my memories, both good and bad. These memories started flooding in: communions and birthday parties, playing hopscotch, screaming with joy when summer showers would pour on a hot day, and doing cartwheels in the middle of the street. Before the bad memories started to come up, I tried to shake it off and focus on getting home, but they prevailed. They came like flashes of light, I thought of the beatings, the police arresting my neighbors and gunshots that would make every kid on the street scatter into any nearby house like cockroaches to light. Before I could see any other memory triggering buildings, I was back at my home; Jesse was sitting on the stairs outside our front door. I approached him as he stood up. There was a silence, and before I decided to break it, he started to talk.

“I wasn’t sure if you meant it,” he said, sternly before going into the house and up to his room. I just stood there; my eyes were welling with tears.

This was just the beginning of my welcome wagon was to bring.

I shook it off and made my way to my old room; I quietly entered, expecting Marie to be in there. To my surprise, only my bed remained in this seemingly abandoned room. Someone must’ve taken our parents’ room after all that. I looked around, and it was almost as I left it; Jesse had put my bags by the dresser. I opened my bags up and just stared at them; I felt sick looking at my clothes, clothes I’ve worn during what seemed to be the hardest years of my life. I started to manically yank them out before picking it all up and throwing the pile under my bed; I wanted it out of my sight. I opened my dresser and saw that the clothes I didn’t take with me were still in there, for the most part; Marie most likely made a few things. I quickly changed my clothes; what I changed out of went under the bed with the rest of my old life.

I paced around my room, still feeling on edge; I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I walked out of my room and downstairs to the bathroom where I just stood in front of the mirror and looked at my face as I took deep breaths. I wasn’t the same person I was the last time I had looked into that mirror; comparing my old self to who I was now was fucking my mind up in all sorts of ways. I started to have all these strange feelings all at once. I felt like I needed to take a shower even though I had taken one before leaving, and the way my hair touched my back made my skin crawl. My thoughts were racing from all these new stimuli, and I couldn’t handle it. I quickly put my hair up and splashed my face with cold water before taking a washcloth and aggressively scrubbing my skin. Even after this, I still felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I sat down on the cold tile floor with my head in my hands just breathing as my raw skin started to feel hot; I was trying to clear my mind of all the memories that began to pop up. One moment I wanted to leave another, I wanted to die or run out and start screaming. After about fifteen minutes, I heard a knock at the door.

“You alright in there?” Jesse asked. He probably noticed how long I was taking or heard the heavy breathing, who knows. I took a few deep breaths before lifting my head to answer.

“Yeah, just a little sick is all,” I said before getting up and shaking it out. I opened the door to meet him right outside, waiting for me.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asked, concerned. Thank god it was dark so he couldn’t see my pink arms and legs as I didn’t want him to start worrying, he probably has been doing that long enough.

“Yeah, it’s just crazy to be back,” I responded, trying to make some excuse as to why I seem a little crazed; he just nodded.

“Alright,” he sighed, “you can talk to me, ya know?” he said, looking at me strangely; looking back that was sympathy.

“Yeah, yeah I know,” I said, slightly smiling at him “night,” I added before going back to my room and closing the door. I leaned against the door and sighed as I looked around. I walked over to my window and opened it, the gentle cool summer breeze touching my tender skin. I sat down on my bed and looked outside at the empty street, cicadas still chirping away as they did when I got here. Some of the porch lights that were still working were on, and strays would occasionally walk by. A bug flew onto the window cill, and I put my finger in front of it; it was a firefly. It climbed on, and I brought it up to my face to watch it glow. I curled up against my legs as he comfortably hung out on my appendage.

“Hey, old friend, what do you think of this?” I asked him in a hushed tone, “do you think I should’ve come back?” I looked like a loon, but I knew he’d listen instead of yelling. “No one makes you stay anywhere, you go where you want and glow as you please,” I whispered, letting him walk along with my hand. “No one depends on you when your bug buddies die you can fly anywhere, and no one sees that as wrong” as I continued, he started to crawl up my arm; this was out of my bug comfort zone, so I quickly lead him to my other hand. “I’m kinda doing that now, huh” I added with a light chuckle, “keeping you from flying and all, to be fair you aren’t arguing about it” I joked before sighing and shaking my head at myself. “I’m joking to a bug,” I said to myself as I put the hand he was on to the window sill “you got a whole bug life to live, that’s like, what, another day or something? So I’ll stop wasting your time,” as I said that he crawled off. He let off one last glow before crawling a bit then flying away. I laid back and looked at my ceiling as I just thought about what to do.

I don’t know when or how, but I soon drifted off to sleep; that marked the end of my first day back.