Next Lifetime

Later that night while at dinner Terrance tells Lavell about how work has been so hectic and chaotic and how he is thinking of transferring to another office closer to home. Lavell stops him and ask why bae I thought this office was ya dream spot it’s in the perfect location, it’s the better built of the closest three, and plus you told me how you love the drive home from work gives you time to smoke a blunt on the drive cause you know how I can’t stand smoking in the house. Lol thh

Terrance cuts him off. “Yea I know what I said Lavell but things change you know? I just… I need a change of scenery right now.” Lavell puts his fork down and looks at Terrance dead in his eyes. “Nah nah nah shorty that ain’t it. What’s really going on? You been acting different all day since you picked me up from the gym. You barely said nothing on the ride here and now you wanna switch jobs? Talk to me bae.”

Terrance sighs heavy. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. Part of him wanted to tell Lavell about Amir showing up at Lisa’s house, about the way his ex looked at him, about the confusion that’s been sitting in his chest all day. But another part of him knew that would start a whole thing. “I’m just stressed out Lavell. Work, us moving fast, everything is just… a lot right now.”

“A lot?” Lavell repeats, leaning back in his chair. “So you wanna run? That’s what we doing now?”

“I’m not running from nothing. I’m just being real about how I’m feeling.”

“And how you feeling shorty? Cause it seem like you got one foot out the door and I ain’t trying to be played with after everything I been through. I did my time, I’m trying to do right, and now you telling me it’s too much? It’s moving too fast?”

The waiter comes by at the worst possible time asking if everything is okay with the food. Both men nod without really seeing him, their eyes still locked on each other.

“Lavell’.

“Nah, I’ma say something,” Lavell interrupts, his voice rising just a little. “I been locked up for three years thinking about making my life better. I thought about you a lot in there. Like a lot shorty. And when I came home and you was right there waiting for me, I felt like maybe God was telling me something. Like maybe we was meant to be. But now it feel like you got doubts and you ain’t even giving us a real chance. You already planning your exit strategy.”

Terrance felt his heart drop. This was exactly what he was afraid of. Lavell was intense, all in, no hesitation. And Terrance… Terrance was scared. Scared of getting hurt, scared of moving too fast, scared of making another mistake after the whole situation with Amir.

“I’m not planning an exit,” Terrance said quietly. “I’m just… I need you to understand that I been through some things too. I can’t just jump into something headfirst anymore.”

Lavell studied him for a long moment. “Is it someone else?”

The question hit different. Terrance’s stomach twisted. “What? No, Lavell”.

“Don’t lie to me Terrance. I can see it in your face. There’s someone else.”

THAT SAME NIGHT

Amir sat in his car outside his father’s house, his hands gripping the steering wheel tight. He couldn’t get the image out his head—Lavell. That was who Terrance was with. That was the man who just came home from doing a bid. He knew the name, had heard through the grapevine years ago, but seeing him in person at the gym hit different.

Amir had been away for a minute himself, working out of state for his father’s business. He came back to the city thinking maybe he could reconnect with Terrance, make things right. He knew he had fucked up when they was together cheating, not being present, all that immature shit. He was older now though, had grown up, and he thought maybe Terrance would see that. Maybe they could try again.

But seeing Lavell changed everything. The way Lavell had grabbed Terrance’s waist when they was leaving the gym. The way Terrance was looking at him despite whatever doubt he was having. Amir knew that look. It was the look of someone falling, even if they didn’t want to admit it.

His phone buzzed. A text from Kyron.

“Yo you good? I heard some shit at the gym. Lavell been asking around about you. He know you was there.”

Amir’s jaw clenched. Of course Lavell knew. That nigga probably remembered his face from before. And now he was probably putting pieces together, wondering what Amir’s connection to Terrance was.

He called Kyron back.

“Yo what did he say?” Amir asked soon as Kyron picked up.

“He didn’t say much, just asked who you was. I told him you was just somebody I knew and kept it moving. But Amir, I’m telling you—that man been through some shit. When I brought up old relationships and stuff he got real distant. I don’t think you should be going down this road with Terrance right now.”

“Why you say that?”

“Because Lavell ain’t no joke shorty. I heard stories. Dude was deep in the streets before he went in. And he clearly got love for Terrance. You trying to slide in there and cause problems? That’s not smart.”

Amir hung up without responding. Smart or not, he needed to see Terrance again. He needed to know if there was any chance, any possibility that they could work it out.

THREE DAYS LATER

Terrance had been avoiding Lavell’s calls. Not in a disrespectful way, but he needed space. Space to think, space to breathe, space to figure out what the hell he actually wanted. After the dinner confrontation, things had gotten weird between them. Lavell was still sweet, still attentive, but there was this edge now. This unspoken tension that sat heavy in the air every time they was together.

And then Amir kept texting him.

“We need to talk properly. Not at Lisa’s with an audience. Just us.”

“I meant what I said Terrance. I’m sorry for how I did you. I want to try again.”

“Don’t shut me out. Give me a real chance to explain myself.”

Terrance kept deleting the messages, but they kept coming. Every time his phone buzzed his heart would jump, wondering if it was Lavell or Amir. The stress was eating at him, making it hard to focus at work. He had snapped at a coworker for something minor and knew people was starting to notice something was off with him.

Lisa called him on his lunch break. “Aye cuz, you need to come get your man before he start thinking you out here creeping. Lavell hit me up asking where you was and if you was avoiding him.”

“I’m not avoiding him Lisa, I’m just”.

“Just what? You having doubts?” Lisa’s voice got serious. “Look Terrance, I know Lavell just came home and he moving fast and all that. But that man clearly got real feelings for you. And Amir showing up at my crib like that ain’t no coincidence. You need to figure out what you want before you hurt somebody who don’t deserve it.”

“I know,” Terrance said quietly.

“Do you though? Because from where I’m sitting, you look like you having the time of your life playing with two niggas’ hearts. That ain’t cool cuz.”

After they hung up, Terrance sat in his car in the parking lot for a good thirty minutes just thinking. Lisa was right. He was being selfish, stringing both of them along while he figured out his own shit. That wasn’t fair to nobody.

He decided he needed to meet with Amir and get some closure. Real closure, not this back-and-forth texting situation. And then he needed to have a real conversation with Lavell about where his head was actually at.

THAT EVENING

Terrance agreed to meet Amir at a coffee spot downtown, neutral territory where they wouldn’t run into nobody they knew. When he walked in, Amir was already there, sitting by the window with two cups of coffee waiting. He looked different than Terrance remembered—more mature, more put together. But his eyes was the same. Those eyes that used to make Terrance feel like he was the center of the universe.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Amir said as Terrance sat down.

“Yeah well, we needed to talk,” Terrance replied, wrapping his hands around the warm cup. “Amir, I appreciate you trying to make things right. I really do. But we can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“This. You coming back into my life like no time has passed. Like all the hurt and betrayal didn’t happen. I was in a really dark place after you, you know that? I was depressed, I was questioning everything about myself, about my worth. And I just started getting to a good place mentally and emotionally.”

Amir’s face fell. “I know I hurt you. I know I was a fuck up”

“You slept with my best friend. My brother. My cousin Amir. Do you understand what that does to a person? That ain’t just cheating. That was intentional betrayal. That was you showing me that you didn’t give a fuck about my feelings, my trust, nothing.”

“I was young”

“So was I! And I still deserved better! I still deserved to have a man who chose me, who valued what we had.”

Terrance’s voice was getting louder and people was starting to look their way. He took a breath, brought it back down.

“Look, I can’t do this with you. Not right now. Maybe not ever. And I need you to respect that and stop reaching out to me.”

Amir was quiet for a long moment. Then he said, “Is it Lavell? Is that what this is about?”

“This is about me, Amir. It’s about me making better choices for myself. Lavell got nothing to do with it.”

“He got everything to do with it,” Amir said, and Terrance could hear the pain in his voice. “You wouldn’t be sitting here telling me no if you didn’t have somebody else to run to.”

“I’m not running to nothing. I’m running from something. I’m running from the person I was when I was with you and I’m not going back there.”

Terrance stood up. “I wish you well Amir, I really do. I hope you find somebody who can love you the way you need to be loved. But it ain’t me.”

He left Amir sitting there with both cups of coffee and didn’t look back.

THAT NIGHT AT TERRANCE’S APARTMENT

Lavell was waiting when Terrance got home. He was sitting on the couch with the lights dimmed low, and Terrance’s heart sank. He knew something was wrong.

“Where you been?” Lavell asked, his voice calm but with an edge underneath.

“I had to handle something,” Terrance said, setting his keys down.

“Had to handle what? You been avoiding me for three days shorty. Not answering my calls, texting short. I reach out to your cousin and she basically telling me to give you space. So I’m giving you space. But now I’m finding out from somebody else that Amir been texting you. That he been trying to get back with you.”

Terrance’s stomach dropped. “Who told you that?”

“Don’t matter who told me. Is it true?”

Terrance sat down slowly, trying to figure out how to explain this in a way that made sense. “He reached out. He wanted to talk. I just met with him to get some closure and tell him it wasn’t happening.”

Lavell stood up and walked to the window. “See this is what I’m talking about shorty. This is why I feel like something ain’t right. You got your ex trying to get back with you and you ain’t even tell me. You just go handle it on your own like I ain’t part of this.”

“Because I knew you would react like this!”

“React like what? Like somebody who care about you and want to be honest and open with each other? Yeah, you right. That’s exactly how I’m reacting.”

Terrance felt the frustration bubbling up inside him. “You just came home Lavell. You been out three months. Three months! And you want me to just be completely all in with you like we been together for years. Like we got history. But we don’t! We got phone calls and letters and three months of knowing each other in person. That ain’t enough for me to just abandon everybody else in my life and forget about my own feelings.”

“I ain’t asking you to abandon nobody! I’m asking you to be honest with me. I’m asking you to not hide shit from me. There’s a difference.”

“You right,” Terrance said quietly. “You right and I’m sorry. I should have told you about Amir reaching out. I should have been straight with you instead of trying to handle it on my own.”

Lavell turned around and looked at him. Some of the anger had left his face. “So what is it shorty? What do you want? Do you want to be with me or nah?”

This was the moment. This was where Terrance had to be real with himself and with Lavell about what he actually wanted.

“I want to be with you,” Terrance said, and he meant it. “But I’m scared. I’m scared of getting hurt again. I’m scared of moving too fast and waking up one day and realizing I made a mistake. I’m scared because you just came home and you still figuring out who you are on the outside and I’m still figuring out who I want to be. And I don’t know if we can figure that out together.”

Lavell came and sat back down next to him. “So what you saying? You want to break up?”

“No. I’m saying I want to slow down. I want to actually get to know you outside of phone calls and gym dates and dinner. I want to see if what we got is real or if it’s just the excitement of a new relationship and you being fresh out.”

Lavell was quiet for a minute. Then he said, “I can respect that. But I need you to understand something Terrance. I ain’t never been the type to waste time. Life too short for that. So if we doing this, we doing it for real. And if at any point you figure out that I ain’t what you want, I need you to tell me straight up. No games, no hiding shit. Can you do that?”

“Yeah,” Terrance said. “I can do that.”

Lavell pulled him close and Terrance rested his head on his shoulder. It wasn’t perfect. There was still doubt, still fear, still all kinds of complicated feelings swirling around. But maybe that was okay. Maybe real love was supposed to be messy sometimes. Maybe it was supposed to scare you a little bit because that meant you was risking something that actually mattered.

ONE WEEK LATER

Things started shifting after that conversation. Lavell and Terrance wasn’t moving as fast, but they was moving with more intention. They was having real conversations. Lavell was telling him about his time inside, about how hard it was, about the things he was trying to leave behind. And Terrance was opening up too, telling him about his fears, his dreams, the parts of himself he usually kept hidden.

Lisa and Karen noticed the difference when they all went out one night. Lavell was more relaxed, joking around, and Terrance wasn’t constantly in his head. They was laughing together, touching casually, looking like they actually fit.

“Yo y’all look happy,” Karen said, elbowing Lisa.

“Right? I told you he just needed to get his shit together,” Lisa said, but she was smiling. “I’m proud of you cuz. You handling this better than I thought you would.”

Amir moved back out of state after a couple weeks. He tried reaching out one more time, but Terrance didn’t respond. Sometimes Terrance thought about him, wondered if he was doing okay, wondered if maybe in another life they could have worked it out. But he knew that wasn’t his story to tell. That was Amir’s.

As for Lavell, he was adjusting to life outside better than anybody expected. He found work at a warehouse, kept his head down, went to the gym, came home to Terrance. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was real. It was honest.

And one night, about three months into them really being together, Terrance was laying in bed next to him and it hit him this was what he wanted. Not the rush, not the excitement of newness, but this. Stability. Trust. Somebody who knew his flaws and chose to love him anyway.

He looked over at Lavell sleeping next to him and whispered, “Thank you.”

EPILOGUE - SIX MONTHS LATER

Terrance decided to stay at his job. He realized that wanting to leave was just him running again, and he promised himself he was done with that. Lavell was supportive, helped him see that his dream job was still his dream, and just because things got hard didn’t mean he had to abandon it.

They got their own place together, a small one-bedroom in a decent neighborhood. Lisa and Karen came over for the housewarming, bringing drinks and snacks like they always did. Lavell was in the kitchen with Terrance, both of them laughing about something stupid, and Lisa looked at them and smiled.

“Y’all good?” she asked Terrance when he came over to get drinks from the cooler.

“Yeah cuz,” Terrance said, and he meant it. “We good.”

It wasn’t perfect. They still had disagreements. Lavell still had moments where his past would creep up on him and he’d get dark. Terrance still had insecurities that would pop up when he least expected them. But they was working on it together. They was choosing each other, day after day, even when it was hard.

Later that night, after Lisa and Karen left, Terrance and Lavell sat on their little balcony sharing a blunt, and Lavell turned to him and said, “You know what’s crazy? If you had told me three years ago while I was locked up that I’d be here right now, with you, happy and free—I wouldn’t have believed it. I would have thought you was lying.”

“Why you say that?”

“Because I didn’t believe in next lifetimes back then. I thought this was it, you know? This was the end of the road for a nigga like me. But you showed me something different. You showed me that people can change. That second chances real. That love real.”

Terrance squeezed his hand. “We all get next lifetimes if we willing to take them.”

And as they sat there watching the city lights, Terrance finally felt like he wasn’t running anymore. He was living. He was present. And he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

THE END