Hope
When I woke up today, I felt something different. I could tell that today was a day of change but I couldn't even guess what was to come today. Then my phone rang and then I knew. I guess that's why I'm not surprised that when I got the phone call from Jake, I almost knew exactly where our conversation was headed. I think the worst part was the fact that he didn't even try to small talk before he got straight to the point of the conversation. I mean, 3 years of my life I gave to him, and in the 27-second phone call, it was clear I didn't mean much to him. August 26th, 2017 was officially announced the worst day of my life...at least, now it is. I guess that's why when I heard the words "Hope, it's not you, it's me," I dug out the tequila bottle that I had hidden deep in my closet, because I needed it, and I guess those actions are what led me to where I am right now.
The rain pelted down around me as I sat on the terribly unlevel bench, my mascara running down my face as my body shivered because of the cold summer rain. I knew that me sitting here was my own fault. I didn't listen to the red flags, heck I didn't even see them when they were right in front of me. I ignored them, I ignored them all. Especially when Jake was pretty obvious about his disinterest. I gave him every excuse in the book when really, I should have opened my eyes and ended it the first time I noticed an inconsistency. Maybe then I wouldn't be here, sat outside in the cold rain, nursing a bottle of tequila in hopes that it would make me feel better. If anything, the tequila was making me feel worse, because 1. I had stolen it off of my parents months ago and 2. I had passed the peak, and now ever drink was making me feel worse than when I started. If I had dropped Jake the minute, I realized he wasn't interested anymore, I wouldn't be here crying, feeling as if my heart had been shattered into a million pieces.
All I could think of as I sat here is how I wasted the last three years of my life, loving a guy who never felt the same for me...who made me believe that after three years I could trust him around pretty blondes with gorgeous thighs, who use to make him just melt whenever a text sounded on his phone, even really I couldn't. The second I had my back turned for a few days, he had fallen into bed with her and told me that 1200 km was too far apart. And now, I have no one to turn to. My best friend just moved across the country to an art school, and when I started dating Jake, I alienated almost all of my other friends so I really have no one else I could turn too. Except for this plastic bottle of tequila.
I always expected Jacob to eventually grow up. I expected him to realize I wasn't disposable and put me first...I even made myself believe that he would eventually turn into the man that I expected him to be...needed him to be, but I guess I was just kidding myself. I got an earful of lies and a broken heart while he's out in Ontario, laying with some 5'5 blonde haired girl with green eyes and legs that go on for days, while I'm here dwelling on everything, I should have given a consequence on. Making myself realize I should have left long ago, but I was too stupid in love with him to even walk away. Instead, I stood by him, I changed myself. I even switched out some of my hobbies just to please him and all I got was watching him fall for the blonde he was going to school with. I mean, I always heard that you never bring the high school romance to college but I didn't expect that to ever mean me and him. We were what people considered thee it couple, we made other's want a love like ours, but I realize that was only what we showed the world. While he was constantly saying I love you, I realized now that sometimes it doesn't mean much. I was sometimes left sitting on my own trying to console myself because he had once again hurt me. My cheek twitched as a cynical smile came across my face as I took another swig of my liquor. Maybe if I went with him last year, he wouldn't have become so infatuated with the girl. I let out another sigh before trying to wipe the rain out of my face even though I knew it was pointless.
"Hope?" I ignored it, I didn't want to see anyone or let anyone know that I was the one hiding out next to the old party house all alone. I wanted people to believe that it was me that finally ended things between us, but the more and more I heard my name being called, the more I realized this was going to be shattered quicker than my heart in the 27-second phone call I had received earlier today. "Hope!" This time it was louder and I closed my eyes as I took another large gulp of the liquor hoping that they would disappear. I thought maybe if I looked mean they would leave me alone...but then came my full name. "Hope Allison Ryerson," That's what caused me to face whoever was calling out to me.
"What the fuck do you want?" I screamed, jumping to my feet, only to stumbled forward into the six-foot-something boy, who always seemed to appear whenever I'm trying to drink away my feelings. I was heartbroken, but I wasn't blind as I felt his strong hands help keep me upright. Out of everyone to find me, it had to be him. "Dammit," I whispered as I looked up at him. All I could see mirroring back at me was nothing but sadness, but it was nothing that matched mine at this moment. He was always pretty clear on how he felt about my relationship with his best friend, but I didn't listen. Right now, is a perfect way to say, I told you so.
"We have got to stop meeting like this," I looked down at my feet where my liquor bottle was resting. I contemplated jumping for it but I knew better. With my eyesight being as fuzzy as it was, if I were to even try to bend down, I would most definitely fall on my ass.
"We might if you stopped coming to my favourite drinking spot," I hiccupped, as I tried to stand up straight. Trying to act as if I wasn't as intoxicated as I smelled. It seemed as if every time I ended up spiralling, he appeared to try and save me...and it never ended well. He knew how easy it was for my heart to break, and all I could do this time was let him watch me shatter. "Kai..." I whispered as I backed up a little. I could feel his eyes on me as I pulled my wet jacket tighter around my body. "You can't keep saving me." It seemed as though every time I was here drinking myself into a terrible hangover, he would appear out of nowhere and take me home to sleep it off so that I wouldn't have to face my parents...or worse, my grandparents. It was kind, and I honestly adored it but, with Ashley gone I felt like it was betraying some sort of trust.
"You have to stop allowing me to save you," He shrugged back as he wrapped his rain jacket around my shoulders. "Come on," He whispered as he tried to get me to follow him. To anyone other than us, the way he was trying to haul me off towards his truck could have been seen as...perverted but, I knew he was only doing this out of the goodness of his heart. I knew he was only doing this because he felt bad for me, but if his sister ever found out about it, I knew she would hate me.
"I can't."
"You can."
"I promised," He dropped his hands from my shoulder and turned to look at me. "You remember how she looked at me the first time she caught me leaving your apartment. It nearly tore us apart." I could remember it as if it had happened just yesterday. Her cold brown eyes still cause shivers to go up my spine whenever I think about it.
"Yeah, well, my sister isn't even here," He turned to me, and all I could do was chew on the inside of my cheek. I knew he was right, but fighting him felt like a better route. I was hurt, and I knew the only way to even get Jake to notice me right now was to do something this reckless.
"It doesn't matter, I'm fine," I coughed up as I backed away from him, trying my best to sneak off to my car that was parked on the other side of the house.
"No, you're not Hope," He grabbed my wrist, keeping a nice grip so that I couldn't move. I wouldn't admit it, but I enjoyed it. "You're not a drinker and once again here you are smelling like a minibar and the inability to stand up straight. I'm taking you back to my apartment, for the third time this year and putting you to bed." I could see it in his eyes that he wasn't going to take no for an answer so I just easily gave in, as much as I wanted to fight him, some sort of consciousness in me realized that maybe it was a good idea and followed him around to his truck.
We were quiet as we both made our way to the truck, neither of us looking at each other. We didn't know what to say to each other. I knew he only did it because his sister was my best friend but sometimes, I feel as though he did it because maybe he was actually trying to be my friend. It was my imagination of course because in two days he'll be back to acting as if he didn't help me get dressed. He'll be back to acting as if he didn't take care of me for twenty-four hours. It was all very confusing, but as we locked ourselves into the truck, something was different.
"So, what caused the perfect Hope Ryerson to the bottle this time around?" It sounded almost condescending that I nearly wanted to jump from the truck but I knew it was just my own paranoia doing that to me. Kai cared too much to judge me for the state that I was in. All I could do was give him a fake glare before rolling my eyes.
"I'm not perfect Kai, and you know that," I whispered as I turned to look out the window as he sped down the muddy dirt road that was just a few minutes from his apartment. Everyone I knew who saw me with Jake thought we were perfect...that I was perfect because I convinced Mr. Life-Of-The-Party to slow down on his promiscuous ways, the only person who knew I wasn't would have been Kai. I mean, he was there for every single indiscretion. "I mean, I may seem like it but I'm not."
"C'mon, I was kidding," He was quickly trying to apologize but I just smiled a little. I could still cause him to trip over himself and that made me feel amazing. At least someone still got all choked up when it came to me.
"No, it's alright," I chuckled cynically as I wiped my face for the stray tear that made had crept its way down my cheek. Looking over at his serious face, as he tried to keep us from skidding off the road, I couldn't help but feel safe with him. "I'm alright, really." I lied once again because I felt as if I spoke about it, everything would be...too real. He was quiet for a moment, and then he answered me.
"Okay then," I could almost imagine him smile as he turned into the parking lot of his apartment because I could almost tell what he was thinking. "I will get it out of you." I knew it was a promise, which almost made me spit out what was wrong right away, but I couldn't. Not here. So, I just smiled at him as he threw his truck into park and jumped out of the vehicle. All I could do was sigh as I whispered some curse words to myself, but when he went to open the door for me, I couldn't even hide the hurt that I was feeling even though I believed I had been doing a good job at masking it. "Come on." He helped me down from the truck and into the building, not once questioning me. I was quiet for the most part but then we walked through the front door of his apartment and I couldn't stop myself.
"What is it with guys and saying they love you but they found someone else? I mean do they not understand what it is to love someone?" When I turned around too look at the brunette, I could see the realization rush over his face as he figured out why I had been so erratic. I knew I had said I wouldn't say anything to him, but just looking at the concerned look on his face made me crack.
"Hope..."
"No, I mean it, why can't a guy just say he loves you and there not be any but attached to it. When I first started dating Jacob it was, I like you but I don't like your choice in music, and then it was I love you but your friends are too wild," I kicked off my sneakers before wandering further into the 2-bedroom apartment. "Then, it was all listen here, I love you but we're 1200 kilometres away from each other and I want to see where it could go with this girl." I couldn't even say the blonde's name as I spit out my last sentence. I could feel the couch shift as Kai sat down next to me. "Why must I always change something about myself to get a guy to even like me?" I could hear my voice crack as I finally voiced my main question. I just wasn't enough for Jacob at the end of it and the realization of that had just started to set in. "Why am I not enough for him Kai?"
"Because he's an idiot," and just like that Kai pulled me over to him as my body started to collapse into a heap of emotion, and for once I didn't fight him, instead I just fell into him. Even more so when he moved into an almost laying down position. I stayed like that crying into his shirt as he whispered sweet nothings into the top of my head and smoothed down my hair. It felt safe...and familiar. "If he couldn't see your worth...that's on him but never let a guy cause you to question it." Just hearing that cause me to break a boundary I really shouldn't have. A boundary that we had placed after we fell apart years ago. I moved into a position to where I was able to lean down and kiss him. The minute I did it he let it settle for a second before pushing me away.
"What?"
"You're drunk," He whispered pushing my hair out of my eyes. I could see the panic in his as he looked down at me. I knew that in a way that this is what he wanted, but I also knew he was making sense. I just couldn't stop myself as I spouted out some words.
"Come off of it Kai, when have you ever known me to make a decision on a whim?" I knew I was drunk; I knew in some way that this was wrong but at this moment I didn't quite care. All I knew was I had wasted three years of my life with a guy who didn't really care, all while ignoring what was right in front of me. At least...what I thought was right for me.
"You'll regret it."
"You don't get it..." I moved off him gracefully. "Every single time I'm in trouble I call you or you just appear and suddenly everything is better. Not even Jake did that for me," Yeah, because every time I called Jake, I could hear another girl in the background. I started to walk towards his bedroom, pulling my wet clothing off of my body. "I mean you made it pretty obvious you didn't like him from the beginning."
"I have no clue what you're talking about," he scoffed as he followed me into the room, picking up the articles of clothing I was dropping behind me. For a second I thought I was wrong but then I kicked myself for falling for his stupid tricks.
"Really now, so what was the constant bitching and complaining about then? I mean you were always so open about it but-"
"He never deserved you, Hope!" He finally yelled, causing me to turn to him, the only thing protecting my modesty was a colourful remix bra and Brazilian panty I had gotten from la senza a while back. I thought for a second that it was to easy to get that from him but the minute I looked him in the eye I could see the desperation in them. So, I started to walk towards him.
"You were always pretty clear about that," I brushed my wet hair out of my face once I was nearing him. "What was that belief about huh?" I could see that I was getting under his skin and I was enjoying it. I was going to get my way tonight, and for once I was going to enjoy it...even if it was at the expense of someone else.
"I knew what he was like," I knew when he lied. I narrowed that down to a T when I was 10.
"Liar," he finally looked down at me, only to almost jump back at seeing how close I was to him.
"Hope, you're being so fucking difficult right now."
"Yeah well, you're the one pussyfooting around this."
"Only because I know you'll regret this in the morning," He sighed as he finally reached out to caress my cheek. "You're amazing Hope, but right now you're hurt. You're drunk. You're looking for an escape right now, you can't call Ash and talk about it because she's in the air. You're hoping you can find a way to hurt him the way you're hurting right now," he stopped to flick his tongue across his lip and think about what to say next. For a moment I felt bad for backing him into a corner but I couldn't stop myself from pushing. "But-"
"But nothing Kai," I whispered. "You and I know if it weren't for me spending the last 3 years with that idiot and your sister being my best friend, you wouldn't even be fighting this right now." I knew it was a pathetic button to push, but it was the reasoning I always gave him.
"Yeah but three years ago, you weren't even seeing me the way you are right now, heck you didn't even see me this way two weeks ago," I stood there contemplating telling him that was a lie.
"You know that's a lie," I spoke softly. "All the teasing and platonic flirting we've done the past year, you can think I haven't seen you that way. I've seen it okay; but I wasn't thinking, I was trying to make things work with him," Without thinking I placed my hand on his chest. "I see that I was wrong."
"You're making this difficult Hope," he whispered as he ran his hand down my arm. "I'm trying to respect you but god- "I couldn't listen to him whine anymore. I stood on my tippy toes and pressed my lips to his for the second time tonight. This time he didn't fight it. Instead, he slid his hand up into my hair deepening it, as my tongue slid across his bottom lip trying to get some action from his, and with ease he allowed. We fell into what felt like lustful desperation. What surprised me was when he lifted me and moved me to the top of his dresser. I figured that this was a long time coming. Everything was going smoothly until one of our phones broke us from our trance. When he pulled away to look for the annoying ringing, I let out a sad sigh.
"Don't answer it," I mumbled, pulling him into me again. He tasted the same as he did when I was 15 and I couldn't help but get lost in it. I couldn't stop myself from wanting more, so when he pulled back again, I couldn't help but hide my disappointment, as he raised his phone to his ear. I watched as he picked up his phone that was resting on the bedside table, and realized that it was Ashley calling him from wherever it is that she was at. He wiped his face clean of any trace of me then answered.
"Hey, sis!" He said cheerfully, I mean, cheerful enough if you didn't notice the wavering in his voice.
"Hey so I just got into my apartment, and I have so much to- wait I didn't wake you did I?" I could see him smile and shake his head, his eyes on me as he sat on the bed.
"No, no, I was out for a little bit. Just getting in actually."
"Oh, so you were getting ready for bed?"
"Kind of- why are you calling me?"
"Because you're my big brother and I wanted to see your face."
"No really why are you calling me," he was done screwing around and clearly wanted this call to end.
"Alright, I've been trying to get a hold of Hope since my plane landed. I checked facebook and noticed that you know who had pictures plastered all over the feed with this blonde chick, I just wanted to see how she was. I'm worried," she finally admitted, I could hear the concern from where I sat and it made me feel slightly guilty for sitting here in my underwear.
"She's fine," he said confidently. "But if you're that worried, I can swing by her place to check on her."
"No, no, I'll just call her in the morning..." She sighed "I guess I should let you get to bed." All he did was nod his head before she ended the facetime. The minute she hung up he looked over at me, almost unsure of what to do next. Honestly...I didn't know what to do next. Whatever had come over me to try and get him into bed had just flown out the window, mostly because of Ashley's call. I wanted to pick up where we left off but I couldn't even bring myself to initiate it.
"Maybe we should just sleep," he offered up. I shifted down from where I sat and started to walk out to the couch. "You could...stay. Only if you want, no pressure." At first, I wasn't sure how to take this but at the same time, I was happy that this was still an option. So, without any hesitation, I walked to the other side of the bed and got myself comfy in the bed.
