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I believe the saying goes, “The people who have the most, make it even when they’re not doing anything”. For example, even while sleeping or attending the local cream cheese convention they still have a constant flow of bread coming their way. Now that’s somewhere I’d like to be. Living comfortably with an almost infinite amount of what brings happiness to everyone. But before I spill all my secrets about the knowledge I hold in this sector you first need to know where I acquired my credibility. So I am a recent graduate with an economics degree and have a pretty solid grasp on supply and demand. With that being said I have a vast knowledge in the category of bread. And, no I’m not trying to be slick and talk about money by using words such as bread, I am simply a gluten enthusiast, who has a knack for consuming an unusual amount of bread. Bread is meant to be binge eaten. One cannot simply have one slice of toast. Especially italian toast. But don’t get me started with that loaf because the man behind the invention of the toaster must’ve had some serious beef with the italians. Let me put it this way, putting a piece of italian bread in the toaster is the equivalent of trying to fit a six foot human in a hotel bathtub. No matter how you place yourself, one end of you is going to be sticking out. Same goes with this kind of bread, which is such a shame because nothing is better than hearing the sound of your knife spreading across the crispy surface. Also when it comes to bread there can be no such segregation. From white bread to multigrain and all the way up to pumpernickel they all have a special place in my heart. Besides being straight up toast, each has their own special talent. For example, the interacial goddess I like to call marble rye can really bring a smile your way when you are face to face with some cold cuts and a panini maker. Or let’s say you’re the kind of person who goes by the book and has over easy eggs for breakfast. There is no other choice but white bread. Don’t be messing around with 12 or 15 grains in a situation like that because you’re gonna need a fully loaded brita filter to get through that meal. The higher the grain the closer your taste buds approach the Sahara.
I’m going to make one quick remark before I go into the do’s and don’ts of indulging in a carb overdose. Many mornings are spent being hungover which means avoiding food at all costs. But have no fear the cure is here. Step one depending on how many people you are entertaining, you’re going to need to get some bagels. For this lets say there’s two of you. But first you have to go out and get you a sober chaperon. I will explain in a bit. Step 2 acquire approximately 6-8 bagels and a tub of butter from the store or cream cheese. This next step is crucial. Step 3 find a couch or futon to sit on in order to truly feel the melting process of your hangover. While this is going on make sure you are playing soft music preferably throwbacks that when they come on the only words that come out of your mouth are, “Woooow that’s a good song”. The fourth and final step is to have that sober chaperon slice and toast the bagels one at a time and butter them and hand them to you and your company. It is key that another bagel isn’t being toasted until you finish your first because you have to allow your body to absorb all the nutrients it has to offer. And so your brain can tell you to say, “Woooow that’s a good bagel we gotta make another”. Do this until they’re all gone and most likely sleep comes shortly after. You’re probably asking what the chaperon does, to be honest i’ve never been that person but I would hope they go out to the store and acquire more bagels for when you wake up.
So lastly here are some little do’s and don’ts when it comes to bread. NEVER and I mean NEVER eat an english muffin without it being toasted. It’s the equivalent of eating 15 eucharists at once. Very well could be your demise as a human. Next If you get any of these listed bagels I would like you to drive into the grand canyon, EGG, Onion, or……. SALT. Go fuck yourself if you get salt, If you ever witness someone enjoying one of those get out of wherever you are because that is the tell tale sign that they are indeed a serial killer. Second, If you ever let bread go stale or receive mold, then go to the DMV and have them replace organ donors with gluten free that way they know you are not human and can’t harvest any organs from you. Lastly, I would like to end on a high note so let me talk about the king. Every bagel is like a snowflake and has different grooves and patterns when being sliced. They are very delicate creatures so with that being said you must be very generous to each and every one of them. When buttering a bagel and you see it has a crater in it, do not point out its insecurity, rather make sure you fill that pocket with butter to the point where you get a nice melted pool right in there. You want to make it feel real comfortable like 2 strangers in the hot tub of a Hilton Inn in Kalamazoo Michigan. This makes the bagel happy, which then taps into your brain and you can reach ultimate bread nirvana. I hope after reading this you corral as much bread as I did in the time it took you to read this.
