goodbye mason

The night we locked eyes

I wasn’t planning on going out

I felt a desire to, but I didn’t know why.

And then we got asked to.

Almost like fate.

Almost like we were meant to meet.

So many things had to happen for me to meet you.

Things that changed my entire life.

We were dancing, drinking, drawn to each other.

You were wearing a rustic blue shirt.

Listening and singing to Pursuit of Happiness.

That song you locked eyes with me.

Of all songs why that song.

Of all the nights we have lived in the same dorm,

why pursue tonight.

What made you want me?

Was it because you knew it would be a challenge?

Or did you just see something in me?

The way you looked at me, it was different from anything I’d felt before.

I wanted you, knowing I couldn’t have you,

and you couldn’t have me.

Except we did.

You made it aware you wanted me.

While everyone else wanted you that night as well,

You wanted me.

I wanted to feel wanted.

To feel loved and needed.

I was insecure and you knew that.

You had a way of looking right through me.

You came up to and wouldn’t look away.

Dan Marino.

You knew my name even before I met you.

You made fun of my name all night.

You made me laugh and smile.

I told you that you were going to get me in trouble.

And that made you want me more.

Your dark eyes just looked at me.

And that’s all they needed to do.

You told me about your past.

That made me feel connected.

I really tried to not kiss you.

I knew it was wrong, but I wanted it.

You grabbed my chin suddenly,

And pulled me in giving me no choice.

Your dominance made me lose sight of everything.

I tried to pull us away from everyone who could see.

But you wanted people to see.

You picked me up like feather and kissed me so passionately.

A feeling I don’t think I will ever feel again.

But then I was caught.

I ran out crying,

but you followed me.

I cried and told you I had a boyfriend.

But you said

you knew

and you didn’t care

because you wanted me,

and you knew I wanted you.

I told you to leave me alone,

but you wouldn’t leave my side.

You sat with me on the ride home.

Trying to make me laugh,

knowing everyone in that car hated us that night.

You put your arm around me and kissed my cheek.

So gentle and so loving.

Telling me everything was going to be ok.

Because I was beautiful.

And beautiful people shouldn’t be sad.

We got back to the room

and you wouldn’t let me say goodnight.

I loved the way you needed me.

You couldn’t let me go.

You said everything you could to make me let you in.

You tried breaking down my walls,

And little did you know it worked.

You asked for a hug wanting a kiss,

And I gave it to you.

After being conscious of my mistake.

I said goodnight and shut the door.

But all night you stayed awake texting me.

Letting me know you weren’t going to let me get away.

A few nights later,

And you’re in my bed.

You kissed me so gently,

But so passionately.

You wanted to make sure I was ok.

And I was the best I’ve ever been.

So happy to be in your arms.

Not knowing how hard it would be to let you go.

You wanted more than sex.

We stayed up all night and talked.

Pulled an all nighter.

Learning about each other’s’ lives,

While you held me tight.

Kissing my nose and my forehead goodnight.

mason

i didn’t know it at first,

but looking back almost a year later,

i think i loved you.

i needed for you to love me too

but eventually you couldn’t.

you told me from the start you couldn’t.

you needed these four years to learn about yourself

and have fun

and i understood

i wanted that too, as long as i could have you.

On our last day you sat with me for over hour

After everyone had left and said their goodbyes,

You pulled me into your chest

Even though you had a car and were able to drive home at any time

You wanted to more time with me

And I loved that.

We laughed and kissed.

You told me about all the things we were going to do together.

I had never wanted to not leave someone so badly before that day.

But your friend was anxious to leave

And that was the end of our summer.

I wish we locked eyes sooner.

I wanted more time with you.

I knew how hard it was going to feel to miss you,

but pretend like I didn’t.

then fall began

The first night I arrived you ran to my room to see me.

You looked so happy and excited.

I was so anxious to see you again.

I didn’t know want you were thinking

But I felt comfortable in your arms again

Fighting about whether cats or dogs are better.

You were goofy with me, but knew how to look at me,

And tell me through your eyes you wanted me.

wanted me in a way that wasn’t sexual but genuine.

We talked for hours not realizing how late it really was.

I loved how we were able to do that.

To forget life and just talk freely.

I thought that would last forever,

stupidly.

the night you left me turned my world around.

and you don’t even care.

you turned into a different person that night.

you got with my best friend’s roommate.

you betrayed and disrespected me.

i wasn’t even surprised by that honestly

but

the sudden disrespect you put on me

was shocking.

i didn’t know you could do that to me.

i didn’t know you could make me feel the way i have for the past eight months.

you never let me explain.

you called me petty, easy, clingy

i knew i wasn’t any of these words

you told my best friend you were scared to hurt me

so why did you do it

why did you hurt me so badly

i knew you couldn’t love me

but i thought you could be nice to me

i thought we could be friends,

even after all the horrible things you said and did to me

i didn’t want to lose you.

i couldn’t lose you.

but you left.

and you didn’t say goodbye.

you never said sorry.

you never gave me another hug.

another kiss on the nose goodnight.

another text saying how beautiful i was.

how much you enjoyed your summer with me.

it was all gone.

all our plans.

all our kindness.

we last about 6 weeks.

very short time, but in that short time you showed me so much of yourself

and i did so much for you.

i lost so many friendships for you.

i lost trust in myself.

i hated myself more than ever when i was with you.

or when i was without you.

why did you have to do this.

there were so many ways to let me go.

and you did it in the worse way possible.

i hate you so much.

i almost got over you

i almost let you go as well

but then i heard you were dating her

after everything you said to me.

what made her better than me.

what could i have done differently.

this sad thing is i still miss you.

oh my god if you tried to kiss me tonight,

i would scream at you

i would tell you i hated you

but i know i would let you back in as well.

the rejection you put upon me made me want you more.

it might have all just been a game to you.

but i just don’t understand why

or how

you could do something like that to someone

who cared for you so much

who to this day stands up for you

and looks out for you.

i still love you

and it’s time for me to admit that

and to accept it.

but i have to let you go now.

i need to learn to love someone else again

someone who loves me more than life

someone who wants the best for me

and who has always been there

through everything

i want to love that man

not you

but i can’t yet

because i still am holding onto all these emotions.

mason

with this letter

i am saying goodbye

I am allowing myself to feel this pain

and this sorrow

but I am also allowing myself to be let free

I loved you.

but now

I love myself

so with this

i say goodbye

for the last time.