Baby’s amazing race
I remember that day like it was yesterday... wait, it was yesterday.
Anyhoo, I remember the moment a bunch of us were released into that tunnel of love. Man, I was so damn glad. Being cooped up in there with thousands of relatives was not what I'd call comfortable. It was an experience I never wanted to repeat.
My fellow swimmers lined up at the starting point, waiting for that magical moment when the starter got an overwhelming rush of emotions and blew the whistle.
Here I was, working my neck and flipping my tail from side to side. Man, it had been a while since this bad boy had gotten such a workout. Thank God for hormones.
I glared at my competition—or, as they were otherwise known, my future siblings. I flicked my tail at them.
"You're going down," my body language screamed as I stared from head to head.
"On your marks..."
This was it.
This was it!
"Get set..."
My God... my God...
I wanna be born!
"GO!"
Oh no you don't, buster.
Eat my tail!
I shot down the tunnel toward my prize.
There I was, basking in my well-earned glory, when out of nowhere I was shoved to the side.
"Help me!" a voice cried as my head slammed painfully against the tunnel wall.
"Sorry, buddy," I yelled, shaking my oversized head. "It's just not your time!"
"Go! Go! Go!" I chanted as I pushed myself away from the wall.
"You assholes wanna play dirty?
Well, bring it on!"
Swimming my little heart out, I swerved, shoved, and tailed my way through the crowd.
A sperm's gotta do what a sperm's gotta do.
"That's right, fool!" I shouted, rubbing my tail in the cheater's face.
"Bite me."
Then...
Sweet Lord.
The Holy Grail.
There it was.
The Mother Ship.
My escape.
My destiny.
The only thing standing between me and eternal glory was one small-headed, long-tailed cheater.
"You want some of this?" I hissed, rolling my head.
Well... I didn't exactly have a neck, which was precisely why I was desperate to escape this prison. I was sick of sharing that cramped two-bedroom apartment.
"Yeah," my rival grunted, flicking his ridiculously long tail. "I do."
"Hey... no need to show off," I muttered, staring enviously at that magnificent tail.
"So..." he smirked.
"Are we doing this or not?"
I lifted my head proudly.
"Or are you all tail and no head?"
He laughed.
"Bring it on, Nemo."
"Oh y-yeah... oh yeah..." I stammered, swinging my head from side to side.
Honestly...
I had nothing.
Okay.
This is it.
The final stretch.
Buck up.
Stretch that tail.
Work that head.
Freedom, here I come!
"GO!"
I launched myself forward like a fish escaping a bloodthirsty shark. I swam until my tail burned.
"Oh my gosh...
Go!
Go!
GO!"
"Hey, Nemo!" the cheater shouted.
"You're losing!"
Grunting, I put every ounce of strength into my tail.
I pushed.
And pushed.
And pushed.
Until the Mother Ship was finally within reach.
"Yes...
Yes...
Almost there...
Almost there..."
"WINNER!"
And the crowd went wild.
"♪ Do the Dougie! ♪"
"♪ Go, Nemo! Go, Nemo! ♪"
"♪ One clap this time! Everybody clap your hands! ♪"
"See you, sucker!" I yelled as I dove into paradise.
Man...
Did it feel good.
"Oven, I hope you're heated!"
"World...
Here I come!"
