Prologue
I sit in my hospital bed, multitasking. Holding a book in my right hand and a pencil in my left, balancing the notebook on my left thigh and knee. Cal says I'm insane but at this point in time, the insane have become sane while the sane have become insane.
Very good advice, except there's always exceptions for everything, ever, said. Maybe-well, definitely fact,- we're all just retarded. I mean, in our own way, of course.
I'm reading Huckleberry Finn, I know, a very controversial book. Not to mention, "not a good book for a thirteen year old to be reading", I quote from a previous nurse. My very first-well, since I've had my mental block- word was cancelled. I cancelled her ass real quick. Cal clapped and beamed. Mom was shocked, tears in her eyes. She asked, 'what did you just say'. Dad just wrapped me in a hug. I signed to mom, 'fuck her, she's talking bullshit'. Cal laughed and laughed, every ten minutes, as Dad said, reminding everyone.
Anyways, I speak pretty well know. In my head, obviously it's a lot easier because ur always thinking and the only way you can not think is, well I don't even know cause the dead think A LOT. Back to the book, I'm reading it because my best friend-only friend really- Jordyn said until I read it, she's not talking to me. She just turned eleven, Im supposedly getting out in a month on my fourteenth birthday. I don't even think Jordyn's ever been out of this hospital though she says she goes out on trips and it lasts a few months. They get longer each time. Poor girl, every time I see her, she has new scars. So many. She's so strong although she says I'm stronger, in more ways than I know and more that I'll find out later on when I get my moment. My Big Bang. My life changing moment. Jordyn's obviously smart, there's no question.
And I'm writing a short story. Finishing. Writing the epilogue as we speak! Okay, maybe insane but whatever. Oof, last sentences. Done!
Knock! Knock!
I look up, it's Write. "Hi doc!"
"Hello Tamera. How are you feeling?" He says, taking the stethoscope from his neck.
"G-good." He gives me a look, one that's kinda serious but not his worst. "Not in pain, not dying but not free, or happy." I try to give him a smile but it's not really working. "Whatever. Anyways, I just finished Huckleberry Finn and my book, so there's that." I attempt.
He just shakes his head. Write motions toward me and I nod my head. After the incident, I would black out, had a brain block (aka i was mute) and I didn't like to be touched. Now it's just become a habit of force for everyone and doc.
Write talks me through everything he does when he's behind me and I can't see him. Helps calm me down and stuff.
After he's done checking my heart beat, Write comes back around. "Okay." I raise my eyebrow at him. "There seems to be a slow in your heartbeat. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about." I look at him with my what-about-last-time-look. "You, just need to take a break from all of that and watch some tv. I'll have one of the nurses bring up some juice." Then he turns on his heel, white coat flying in the air like a dramatic entrance.
I already know what's wrong. Jordyn told me. Though I don't quite understand it. In words I understand: what's slowing your heart is about what your doing. It's calming you down, your subconscious is telling you it's fine and it's what you wanna do. Shorter term, I'm subconsciously suicidal.
I think back to the time Jordyn came over at 2 in the morning because she saw me awake while she was walking around the hospital. "No, that's insensitive,” she said, chastising herself. “You want to die because you feel guilty. If you were you dead than your family wouldn't have to worry about you. But you haven't died yet because your also being selfish. You got a second chance. At everything. Your body is very fragile, so say you went into an ice bath and slowed your breathing and slept. You wouldn't wake up. Whatever your doing, is like your ice bath." She said a few weeks back.
I put HF aside on my left and the book I was writing on my right. Switching sides keeps my brain active but it also confuses the shit out of it.
I slide down on my pillow and close my eyes.
I shiver at first,
Then it's like I've done this before.
And in a way,
I have.
Soon enough, I don't feel.
And that,
That feels good.
I drift off,
To the brink. Of.
Yet no matter how many times I go through this,
I still can't find the ending
My ending.
