Opened Eyes

I wonder when it was when I started to stop closing my eyes during prayer. Was it when I noticed my mom did not close her eyes either. A part of me wondered why she kept her eyes open, as all of us closed our eyes, isn’t it expected? Maybe that was it, the fact it felt ‘mandatory’ like if you did not close your eyes it was ‘disrespectful.’ I guess there had always been that demand to close your eyes, everyone did, so I should too. Witnessing my mom not close her eyes was a little bit of a shock to me, it was almost the same feeling one gets when the football players kneel during the anthem. However, for me it was not quite disgust that I felt more of a “why would you do that?” kind of feeling. Assuming that I was a child at the time, well more of a child than I am now, I probably looked for a problem in everything. Especially my mom, whom I had looked up to for being almost the spit image of what a perfect human was. I guess this ‘protest’ of not closing her eyes really ended up staying with me. Or maybe I am just looking into something that does not need to be looked into. Given that I cannot remember the setting in which we were particularly in, I can remember her face. It wasn’t anything special just the occasion look up and down and maybe the casual flip of her side bang. No sign of reason to mindlessly close or open her eyes. Moving forward every time there was a prayer with my mom present I began to open my eyes to see her, to see if her eyes were still opened. I wanted to see the expressions she made as she chose not to go along with the rest of our closing of the eyes. It became habitual, even when my mom was not present, I began to break away from everyone who seriously closed their eyes to have a mutual connection with God. My question of why my mom did not close her eyes began to shift into, “I wonder what she was looking at.” Which sounds stupid but I truly did wonder. If her eyes were opened then does that mean she was watching us? what is she thinking as she gazes at the rest of us praying? I wanted to get into this mindset. Opening my eyes and looking at the rest of them with their eyes closed gives you a sense of superiority. Right now you are witnessing everyone in that room at their most defenseless. Was this sensation of feeling like your above everyone the reason my mom found it so inviting to keep her eyes opened. This concept of superiority became addicting. No longer did I think about my mom as I opened my eyes, I just looked at everyone at their weakest. And then before I even realized it, I noticed my mom had her eyes closed during prayer. Seeing as I am the one with opened eyes now shouldn’t I have noticed this sooner, I should have seen it. But by then it was not about by moms eyes or anyone else’s, it was only about mine. Whenever our family would do prayer in a restaurant I made sure to keep my eyes open. The embarrassment of praying around a table hand in hand made me feel uncomfortable. The thought of others seeing me at my weakest along with my family gave me feelings of anxiety. To me keeping my eyes open put up a shield around my family that kept away judgment. The old me mindlessly closed her eyes with her family during prayer, but ever since I opened my eyes, I have not been able to properly close them. This simple gesture of prayer and respect has now jailed me inside myself. Trapped, never able to go back to the days my eyes remained closed, and I was free from the sensation of power and separated from the feelings of embarrassment. When did prayer become more about me than God? No matter how many times I shut my eyes with everyone as they pray, I only feel the want to open them. I wonder how my mom was able to close her eyes again, if she ever really did open them in the first place. I strive for the day I can peacefully close my eyes again and find the inner peace I have been missing for so long. Until then, I remain as the only one in my family who has opened eyes.