Shamefaced

"I like nerf guns

I like all things fun

They say it's wrong

Guess fun isn't fun at all"

KENNA CLARK

Should've we known? A sign so blaring I don't know how nobody read between the lines. Well some might've but nothing was said. Not a single person did anything to save him, Finny..

Out of everything in the world that could've happened. They had to choose to take you away from me, from us. 2-14-16. For what reason though? I don't know.

In a legal sense they were led to believe somehow that it was a suicide. Police and many others blamed our family claiming there had to be something wrong with us. At the time I blamed my parents for being "neglectful." When in reality they were busy with their jobs. They were doing their best to provide for us.

I didn't know how hard the world really was. I was thirteen. My outrage was taken at face value by law enforcement and I was taken away. My entire life being ripped away from me only made the hurt worsen. Especially since after that my mom and dad fell off the face of the earth.

Inactive Facebooks that I messaged a million times with messages they'll never see. Probably being blocked off with hundreds telling them that it was their faults for what happened to their children. When in reality they were the best parent I ever had..

May of taken four years, with good reasonings, but I finally got taken back into my family. Not by my parents but my grandma. She never truly had much words for any of these situations. I thought maybe she would have access to them. Turns out they went cold on her too.

Not a singular person I've come in contact in seems to have any idea where they went. Lost my brother then in the same couple of weeks lost my parents. Even after four years I haven't healed from that hurt. If anything this seems to get worse as I get older. The more I realize, the more the cycle continues to spiral. Nonsensical yet true.

My grandma has been doing her best to make this day better, my life better but she's only been back for three months. With that said, anyone who has a decent understanding of me would know this subject isn't one I budge on. And it's pretty easy to figure out making decisions behind my back to make it "better" isn't something I easily tolerate.

Her entire lecture flooded to dead-space. The two words "public school" all washed away to silence. Noiseless focus about the only thing today should be about went away for a moment. Releasing a balloon with secret sentiments and looking at a bench dedicated to him in their backyard only does so much. I propped my elbows on the counter this day finally hitting me like a truck. Triggering a dryness in my throat to present itself.

"Grandma, I appreciate the offer and all.. Except incase you didn't know since I was thirteen I haven't ventured into an actual school. I wasn't interested in it. I'm still not," True thoughts of sincerity don't come out often. Or really it's never safe too. Anytime someone has a conversation like this with me they set up some ploy, some trick. Just to get me to say something they want to hear. A lie essential as it's never what I actually want to say.

Except with this topic. When it comes to my education and what I want to do with it. I do my best to stand my ground. It's all I have to help myself in the future. Once I graduate it's on me to try and get accepted into some college. Which is why this won't work.

"I spent years trying to get away from people who place their opinions on situations they don't understand. Throwing myself back into that wouldn't be smart or good for me and my future. You understand that right?" Being non-emotional doesn't always come easy. Now is one of those times. Going from town to town, city to city. Whoever took me in only knowing my original home was unhealthy for a child, that being a blatant lie. Isn't exactly the best way for a rational being to be raised.

Never bothered correcting the agency though. I mean would any kid want to hear about the worst month of their life over and over. Not really.

"It wasn't an offer. I'm telling you what's going to happen. I took a tour of the school on Monday. You start next week. Trust in the process and in me. It's a great place for someone needing a change." Her voice decorated in an uncomfortable sweetly tone as she grabbed her cliche old person candy she's constantly in awe over.

"You don't know what I need. You haven't been around for years. Well.. that came harsher than intended. Ill-tasting like a foreign scent on my tongue. Aching to say an unnecessary "I'm sorry" even when what was said is true.

"I may've not been around you but I've been around a considerable amount of tragedy in my days. I'm telling you hun, you may have resentment now but later you'll thank me." Will I? I can't rule out that possibility but more than likely probably not. If you do a simple google search of my name you'll see the articles from my hometown. Since most outlets were crooked my identity was released. All because I was a young moody whiny child.

I responded with nothing but a nod. She walked over patting my head and left with a smile. Finny, I wonder what he'd say about all of this. 'Keni let's color to get your mind off of it. Choose a book. I'd recommend the one with a big t-rex on it." or 'Keni go to my school instead."

How I wish I did that then maybe none of this would've happened. Then perhaps my brother would be a newly eleven year old. His month only being a couple of weeks away. If I could trade my life for his, I would've. I'd do anything for him. Absolutely anything.