the day we met again

I seem to have forgotten the exact date I met you. But I remember how it happened.

It was a cloudy day, there were signs of rain drawing near the city.

I remember you were under the small roof of the boutique near the bookshop. I saw you ran there from the bookshop’s window. I was just minding my own business but then I heard the crackling sound of thunder and a short scream of terror along it. I honestly thought my cat made that sound but I know Penelope and she’s not afraid of anything even thunder.

I chuckled when I saw you under the roof. You were sitting with your hands above your head, you seemed to be ready for an impact from above. I remember taking off my blazer, putting it around your trembling shoulders. The time you look up at me with your green teary eyes, was the time I was sure, I’ll do everything to have you in my life.

Have I ever told you? That your eyes are one of the most rare eye color in the world? Only 1% of the human population can have it and normally only the pure blooded Irish can have it. Yet you, not being Irish, you have those evergreen eyes. They compliment your jet black hair, your small face, your cute little nose, and your pinkish soft lips. I love everything about you. Not just your beauty but your laugh, your smiles, even your angry little face and small tantrums. I love everything about you.

You were perfect for me and I want to believe that I’m perfect for you too.

I remember the night you take your last breath. It was bittersweet. I remember holding your hand hoping for the best. I can still remember how my eyes sting from crying too much. My nose was clogged to the point that I was breathing to my mouth. I whispered you my love and how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I remember it so vividly, how you opened your beautiful eyes again to look at me. You smiled at me, put a hand on my cheek. I remember kissing your palm numerous times, chanting I love yous. You chuckled softly and told me you love me too. To the moon and back. Through the skies and to the numerous galaxies. You told me not to worry and that you’ll always be beside me. I was crying again. I cried and kept begging you to not leave me. Then you pull me close and kissed me. A tear trickled down your cheek as you closed your eyes. You smiled and told me your soft goodbye.

Emotions surged my body like a storm. No. A tornado. I didn’t know what to feel that night. All I know was I feel numb and I keep on crying. No family of ours can calm me down. No friends can convince me to accept you’re gone. How can I? When you were everything I have. You were my world. My milky way. My very own goddess. Until to your grave I kept crying. How can you leave me? Wasn’t I enough? Have I done something wrong? Thoughts of questions came in my mind. Haunting me in my sleep. I know you were religious. You told me once to pray to God and everything will be alright, but why no matter how many times I prayed I still can’t find peace.

“Just one more time. Please.”

I prayed that I’d see you. Spend another day with you. Feel your soft lips against mine.

I prayed with all my heart and soul and yet I still wake up looking at your side of the bed empty. The warmth of yours was gone yet your scent is still here. You linger still. The feel of you lingered around our home. Our home we shared for the past few years together.

Your favorite mug is still here. When are you going to brew your favorite coffee again? Hey love, your favorite books are still on the shelves beside the balcony’s door. When are you going to read them again? Love… Penelope is sad. She misses you so much she waits by the door exactly 4:30 in the afternoon. The time you’ll be home from work.

I miss you. I horribly do. The years past and I felt like I have been living a horrible dream. The skies don’t have that same hue that it has before. The clouds seems to have turned gray and our home felt more empty than it used to be.

I’ve changed as the days passed my Love. Our friends and family tried to cheer me up but all I can ever muster to give was a small smile. It’s funny. Your mother once told me, “You loved her so much don’t you”. I couldn’t agree more. I loved you so much I don’t think I’ll love another person ever again.

Today, I’m in the bookshop.

Where I first heard you. Today was the same as that day.

It was cloudy with a chance of a rainstorm coming in. I was fixing the bookshop so I can close it for the day when the owner of the said boutique asked for me. I smiled at the old fancy lady and joined her for tea as she requested. As I continue on to her shop I noticed the broken window. It was smashed completely. I asked Aunt Marie about it, worried if she was robbed. She scoffed then gave me a reassuring smile saying it was not so. She proceeded to direct me to her office where she offered me tea. Oh, I remembered how much you love her tea. You love it so much you begged Aunt Marie to teach you how it was done. Aunt Marie was like a stone though, she didn’t budge. Should I try asking it for you Love? Thing is though I don’t drink tea. It’ll be a waste. Aunt Marie snapped her fingers, trying to get a hold of my attention. I blinked a few times before seeing what she was blabbering about. At the monitor that shows her shop entrance.

I saw you my Love. You’re ever so green eyes stared back at me through the screen. Horrified and scared. If you were in front of me I would hug you and tell you that everything will be alright.

I couldn’t understand what I was seeing. Not until I rubbed my eyes and saw that it was not you.

It can’t be you.

She just have the same green eyes. Same jet black hair, same small face, small nose and pinkish soft lips I ever so miss. Aunt Marie told me she was the one that smashed her window. I asked calmly if the authorities are involve. The old lady took a sip of her tea and shook her head. She told me she don’t have to since, she’s already a regular in my shop. My eyes widened in surprise. How…why didn’t I get to notice her?

After that day, I remembered closing the shop. Holding Penelope in my arms, we went up the stairs to our lovely home. I couldn’t get any sleep that day. The eyes and the horrified expression of that girl resembles yours so much Love. My heart kept beating in an unknown rhythm. I was unsure if this was God’s answer to my years of praying or I‘m being tricked by the devil itself. I laid silently on our bed. Softly caressing your side of the bed. I’d lie if I told you I didn’t cry again for the millionth time wishing you were still here.

Days turned to night and a certain knock rang the halls of our home. I groggily navigate the house, switching the lights on. I opened the door and there you were. Those familiar green eyes staring back at me. Your cheeks were red and I assumed it’s because of the cold. Your hands were cold as you hand me a box full of unused fabric I requested from Aunt Marie. You hastily introduced yourself, stuttering and shivering as you present me your hand. I told you who I was and shook your frost hand. You smiled, your cheeks puffing. That cold silent night I kept my eyes on you. Seeing the things I’m used to seeing to someone before, yet so different.

I was surprised as you will be my Love.

That night I have that feeling that she will be enough.

Every afternoon, hearing the sound of the bells chimes from the shop’s door brought a whole new meaning to me. It always meant you’re here to give me Aunt Marie’s signature tea with your self made chocolate chip cookies. I couldn’t believe my eyes when you told me you learned how to make the tea from Auntie herself. I told you how much my Love tried to get Auntie to tell her how to. You giggled covering your mouth as you do. You told me she simply didn’t get to do one thing. When I asked what was that? “Breaking her window.” she said. She smiled showing her teeth.

It took me longer than expected for me to understood what was being said. I laughed. For the very first time of my life without you my Love. I actually laugh.

Slowly but surely, I began to look forward for her visits and her quirky stories.

Have I told you? She tells stories more exaggerate than you dear. She have sound effects and big gestures. It was oddly entertaining. Through this my stone cold heart warmed up as time passes by.

“You make my day,” I said one afternoon out of the blue. I was shock as she was. I couldn’t believe the words I said. Inside my head I was panicking. I felt shy yet brave enough to see how she’ll reply. A part of me wants her to say the same and a part of me wants her to joke about it to make things less awkward. Staring at her dazzling green eyes. Noticing she have long eyelashes and they look so beautiful as she blinks. She slowly smiled. From there I knew, I was a goner.

I told her that there is only 1% of the human population that has green eyes. Mostly pure blooded Irish have this. I told her how much I wanted to tell you that, but I didn’t get the chance to.

“Now I’m taking all the chances I could get.”

She hugged me so tight I was afraid I might join you to where you are my Love. My belly danced into an odd song my heart makes as I hug her as close but tighter than I use to hug you before. She even joked that I shouldn’t hug her so tight since she won’t be going anywhere. But the fear was still there.

My love. I am taking my time healing from your lingering memory. I’m smiling more now. I’m laughing now as well. I’m trying my best. I’m loving her but much more since I believe you sent her to me. You probably begged God didn’t you? Funny, I can imagine you doing so.

Do you remember what your brother told me the day of your funeral, my Love?

“It’s sad that some people are afraid of death. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister more than anything in this world. But if we keep blaming ourselves for something that we couldn’t control. Do you think she’ll ever find peace?”

I put no mind to his words back then. But now I understand it and they seem to have brought more meaning.

I miss you so much Love. You know that don’t you?

And you were right. You are here. You’ll always be.

I’m waiting your next visit to the shop my love, with your tea and cookies.

Can’t wait to tell you, that I love you. To the moon and back.

Through the skies and to the numerous galaxies.