Take Me Home

It’s my first day out of rehab, and Alex Castro is throwing a party, which I have no plans to show up sober to. I like to think he’s throwing the party as a way to welcome me home, the same way my addictions seemed to welcome me back into their open arms, though I know that’s not the case. It’s fun to imagine, though. In reality, everyone probably thinks I’m dead. I’m sure the story has gotten around by now, maybe I even made it into the newspaper. Mom wouldn’t tell me shit when I woke up. I went straight from the hospital to rehab, and in rehab, they don’t let you have your phone. So to the small portion of New York City that knows Livia Fields exists, I was socially, maybe even physically, dead.

The only thing I learned in rehab was not to get caught. That probably sounds terrible, and I guess it is, in some ways, but I had no intention of coming out of that place a changed woman. Just a woman who knew how to not get caught.

I reach for the comfort of the forty dollars I stole from my stepdads wallet, and turn the corner of one of the less crowded New York City streets and into the alley. The walls surrounding me on both sides seem to muffle the sound of life that usually swarms and drowns anyone in its path.

I knock on the metal door coming from the side of an old apartment building an wait for an answer.

“Who is it?” Felix’s voice comes from the other side of the door.

“It’s Liv, open up bitch.” the door opens, and Felix is smiling.

“V, I thought you died.”

“Not yet, lemme’ in.” He opened the door wider. The place hadn’t changed at all since I’d last been inside, not that that’s incredibly weird for a drug dealer. “Can you get me the usual.”

“Look, you know I love you Liv, but I don’t think this drug shit is the right way for you.” I laugh. It’s almost comical, coming from Felix, who hasn’t gone a day sober since seventh grade.

Here’s the thing. I know I’m ruining my life, I’ve been told over and over how bad it is. I know, I know, I know. But I can’t stop. It’s like I’m living my life on a continuous Ferris wheel, the way whatever greater force above decided to hardwire my brain made it so my highs were high and my lows were incredibly low, terrifying and painful. If I could be someone else, I would. I may not know much, but I know the world seems to never stop, to be deafening and fast and cruel, and my brain likes to move slow. I know that it’s hard for me to grasp my own feelings, to control my breathing when things get too loud or too fast.

I found a way to survive, to calm the world and to feel nothing, for once, instead of feeling too much too fast. If I could choose a different life, I would. I promise. That has to count for something.

“You turning soft on me? Come on.” I elbow his arm. He stares at me a minute, thinking, then leaves.

“The regular?”

“Yeah.” Rio comes around the corner, throwing himself down on the couch and taking a swig of the beer in his hand. Rio is Felix’s partner, or roommate, whatever the fuck they wanna’ call each other. He helps Felix sell drugs, they dropped out of high school together.

“Aye, V, good to see ya’.” He looks from me to the backroom then back to me. He reaches his hand into his back pocket and pulls out a small, clear bag and tosses it to me. Four pills inside. “Don’t tell him.” “What is it?”

“PCP. Take it as a post-rehab discount.” He winks. I shove it in my back pocket just as Felix rounds the corner with my usuals. Four different small plastic bags filled. He hands them to me and I stash them, turning to leave.

“Money?”

“Rio said he’d cover me.” Rio flips me off.

“Bullshit.”

“Post-rehab discount, remember?” I turn the handle and feel the warm breeze at my back as I blow kisses to the two most important men in my life.

“You owe me, V!” Rio calls as I laugh and let the door shut behind me. My smile quickly fades as I crush up the pills with my hand, put some on my house key, and breathe the powder in. Already, I can feel myself start to relax as I make my way home.

I haven’t worn a dress since I overdosed. Slipping into the white satin dress Mom bought me as a ‘sorry your new stepdad is a massive dick head but at least he has money’ present, feels so foreign. But-nice. In a weird way. I feel light as I pull the straps tight on the glittery heels she also bought me for homecoming last year.

“Liv?” A voice says from my door. I turn to see Mom, leaning against the door frame. “Where were you?”

“I stopped by Emma’s to say hi, tell her I’m back.” She nodded, then seemed to notice my outfit.

“Where are you going?” Fuck.

“Emma invited me for a girl’s night, to celebrate me being back. We were just going to go out for dinner and then I was going to stay the night there. I felt like getting dressed up for the occasion. Is that alright?” She thinks about it for a moment, then looks back to the wine glass in her hand. She sighs.

“That’s fine, just talk to you’re sister before you leave.” I nod and she walks in, kisses me on the top of the head. “I really do love you, Livia. I hope you know that.” These are the times I really wish I was someone else, that I didn’t have a bag of PCP and cocaine stuffed in my bra. That I wasn’t such a massive fuck up, that my brain could fucking comprehend her words. That my body would realize I didn’t need these drugs because I had someone who cared about me.

But I couldn’t. “I love you too.” She smiles, kisses me again, then leaves. As her slippers tap on the tile ground behind her, I feel as if all the air has been sucked out of my body and I need to sit down or the world is going to go dark in a matter of seconds.

It takes me about a minute to finally control it, to be able to breathe normally again. I wipe the tears away, take a few deep breaths, and stand. Walking to Alex’s house isn’t too hard, or dangerous considering the Castro’s live in a good neighborhood. Which makes it so surprising that Alex is able to get away with these parties every weekend and not get caught. Honestly, I need him to give me some pointers.

I knock on Georgia’s door. “Come in.”

“Hey,” I say, pushing the door open a crack and leaning against the frame. “You good?” She removes an earbud and nods. “I’m gonna’ head out.”

“You look nice.” I grin. “Can I wear that dress for homecoming this year? I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Georgia’s a Freshman, this year will be her first homecoming.

“Yeah sure. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” She nods and shoves the earbud back in as I close her bedroom door. The only thing that absolutely terrifies me, is that Georgia is going to become like me. I don’t know what would happen if she did, I don’t think I could handle it. Fucking her life up like that. It would be my fault, too. She’s seen everything I do, every time I’ve been high, drunk, whatever it was. She’s seen it.

That’s all I can think about on my way to Alex’s until a car slows to a stop next to me.

“Livvy?” I turn to see Audrey, Clara, and Aurora all piled in Audrey’s car. “I thought you died.” The back window rolls down.

“You want a ride?” Clara asks, her arms hanging out the window and her flaming red hair blowing into her face.

“Thanks,” I say, opening the back door. Clara slides over to the other side to let me in. Aurora passes me a flask.

“We’re pregaming.” Audrey smacks her arm.

“Dude, she just overdosed.”

“It’s fine,” I take the flask from Aurora and let the liquid pour down my throat with ease. The taste barely affects me any more. I screw on the lid and hand the empty flask back to her.

“So, where were you?” Clara asks, keeping her eyes glued to my face as if I was some foreign creature. If that’s how everyone’s going to react to seeing me tonight, I should have brought a lot more shit with me.

I pull the bag of crushed up pills out of my bra, dump some onto the ledge of Audrey’s car door, roll up the twenty-dollar bill I stashed, and breathe it in.

“Rehab.”

“Oh,” Clara nearly laughs but then stops herself. “I see it’s worked really well.”

“I gave my life over to Christ and now I don’t even think about drugs.” She did laugh that time. Technically, if I believed God was real, I did give my life to him. To get out of rehab faster, which probably defeats the whole purpose, but it worked. I would have been in there another two months if I hadn’t.

I watch in silence as Audrey turns the radio up and Aurora hits her Juul and Clara lights up a blunt. I can’t even imagine what my life was like before drugs if I’m being honest. It’s become normal, even though I know my name is somewhere in that stupid anti-drug book for D.A.R.E pledging to never touch an illegal substance. How naive I was.

We pull to a stop in front of Alex’s house, and I can already hear the music blasting from inside. As I said, it’s a miracle he hasn’t gotten caught yet. The lights flashing in his house and the few scattered teenagers among the porch and the front yard show that this has been going on for a little while now.

I step out of Audrey’s car, and already a few heads turn in my direction. Aurora places a hand on my shoulder. “If anyone says shit, I’ll fuck them up.” Aurora is a senior and has known me since I was a Freshman. She’s taken on that mother role in stride, I mean besides the fact she taught me how to snort cocaine. But the motherly protection is there.

“I’ll be fine.” She squeezes my shoulder then makes her way inside with Audrey. The high is just starting to hit me as I walk up the first step, and it takes me a minute to adjust.

“Yo!” Someone calls from inside the house. “Livia?” Eden Blakely, one of my old friends, pushes his way out onto the porch. “You good? I heard you died.”

“I tried.” He doesn’t laugh. “I heard your band got a gig?” He grins and offers a hand to help me up the stairs, which I needed as the high is hitting a little too hard now.

“Yeah, we play tomorrow. Wanna’ come watch?” I just know Emma will be there to, because that’s just the type of person she is. If she goes, she’ll try to get all of our old friends to go, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that conversation. Or conflict. One at a time is fine, but everyone together at once…

“I’ll try.” He smiles.

“So, where were you?”

“Rehab.” I’m talking slower than normal, and he seems to pick up. “I swear it worked wonders.”

“You’re high right now aren’t you?”

“Wonders I tell you.” He shakes his head.

“What happened to you? To us?” I immediately retract my hand.

“I’ve always been like this, Eden. Nothing happened.” The music is so much louder inside that I can barely hear myself talk.

“You’re going to kill yourself.”

“That’s not something you need to worry about.” I turn my back to him and walk off to the kitchen, searching for alcohol. Which isn’t too hard to find, considering Alex always has it on hand.

I find a bottle of vodka and snag it before making my way outside. I chug the bottle and take a seat on one of the few pool chairs still out. I take out my keys and breathe in more of that powder. Letting it overtake me until it happens. The music becomes muffled and my breathing slows and for about two minutes, I’m in a world of nothing. I feel light, like I’m floating, and I feel absolutely nothing. Every time I breathe out, I breathe out all the oxygen I have until I am nothing. Just a speck, floating in space. It’s the best I’ve ever felt. It’s the feeling I’m always chasing, that two minutes of pure happiness.

Then everything comes back tenfold, crashing around me, and suddenly I’m drowning in noise and chaos and people and I’m choking and I want to go back to that nothingness, instead of here, isolated and terrified. The first time it happened to me, I was scared. I wanted to scream for help, tell my mom, tell someone, let them deal with it, let them save me. But now, it’s all I want. Maybe I should have screamed that first night, maybe then I wouldn’t be here, chasing that same feeling, but I didn’t want to be a burden.

“Livia,” I drowsily look over to see Mattias James sitting on the chair next to me. “You’re alive.”

“That I am.” We sit in silence and I take another swig from the bottle, letting the alcohol wash over me and mix with whatever drugs were in my system.

I watch as he takes a hit from the blunt he’s holding and breathes out slowly. “Listen not to be a vibe killer, but I think you should take a break from the drugs.”

“Eh.”

“I’m serious, Liv. You’re killing yourself and your brain cells.” I’m no longer looking at Mattias, but at Hayden, my older brother. I nearly jump from how startled I am. “You’re being selfish.” I blink a few times, but the image stays.

“Hayden?”

“What?” Hayden’s brown curls are replaced by Mattias’ slick black hair. I suddenly feel the urge to vomit. The cruel side of drugs, Hayden died of cancer three years ago.

I push myself out of the seat, vodka spilling onto my dress, and go as fast as I can the hell away from Mattias and into the kitchen, where I brace myself over the sink, waiting for whatever I’ve eaten or drank to come up. But thankfully, it doesn’t. I can’t seem to pull myself away from the sink, though.

“Liv?” I peak my head out to see Alex, drunk and trying to pull himself onto the counter beside me. “You good dude?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Emma said you went to rehab.” Of course, Mom told the Castro’s. What did I expect? Privacy? I mean, I guess it’s my fault for leading her to believe that Emma and I were still best fucking friends. “Are you high again.” “Possibly.” “Man, it’s not my place to judge you.” He’s slurring his words to the point I can barely understand him, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Audrey?” Someone yells over the music. Alex and I both perk up, looking around for the source.

Only to find Cameron knocking half the shot glasses off the table and Alex yell “Shit, dude! The fuck is your problem!”

“You’re my fucking problem, Castro.” Cameron swaggers up to Alex, who slides off the counter. Alex, standing at six-two towers over Cameron, but he doesn’t back down.

“Take your attitude outside.” The yelling and the complete silence from everyone else seems to be suffocating now. I suddenly regret all my decisions and every step I took to this party.

I know I’m starting to breathe harder, but I can’t stop it. I can’t make my brain focus on slowing down. I can’t tell myself to shut the fuck up. I’m remembering why I hate alcohol.

“The fuck you looking at Fields?” Cameron turns his anger to me. I just stare at him, my mouth unable to form words. “Huh? The fucking painkillers kill all your brain cells?” He stalks up to me, slams his hand against the cupboard above my head. “You have two fucking brain cells and you can’t even use them to answer my goddamn question.” My brain somehow makes the connection that I’m in immediate danger, and my fingers find a shard of broken glass that I point at Cameron’s chest.

“Back the fuck up,” I say, which he does. “I said back the fuck up!” I’m screaming, but it’s muffled to my own ears. “Get the fuck away from me.”

“I wasn’t going to hurt you, you fucking psycho!” Alex grabs Cameron by the back of his shirt and practically drags him to the door.

Just as Alex kicks Cameron out, someone else comes running in. An out of breath Aurora yells, “Police!” and the entire house is thrown into chaos.

I have the recollection to remember that I have drugs on me, and if I get caught I’m going right back to rehab. “Fuck,” I whisper and unstrap my shoes, shoving them in the cabinet under Alex’s sink, and take off into the back yard, through the back gate, and sprint, pushing my way through the other teenagers all running out of the neighborhood. I already know there’ll be a cop car waiting at the end of the block for this reason, and I can’t take any chances. So instead, I turn down one of the back alleys, slowing to a walk on my toes so I don’t step on any glass.

The police sirens get louder as they close in on Alex’s house, and I can’t help but feel a little guilty for just leaving my two old best friends to fend for themselves, but I also can’t go back to rehab.

As I make my way through the alleys, I realize two things. One; I’m fucked up, and Two; I told my mother I wasn’t coming home tonight, and I have nowhere to go.

With half my friends at that party, all running from the cops, I think of the one person I didn’t see there.

I pull out my phone and press Sofia’s contact. The phone rings twice before she picks up, her voice groggy and the distant sound of men’s voices in the background.

“Hello?” She says.

“I need someplace to stay tonight, can I crash at yours?”

“You sound drunk.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Didn’t you just get out of rehab?” Oh my god.

“Sofia.”

“Sure, it’ll be fine. Just come in through the back.” She hangs up, and I realize, that’s the first time I’ve even talked to Sofia in a year.

As I stumble my way through the alleys, on my way to Sofia’s house somehow remembering the way there, I can’t think of anything other than those two minutes of nothing. I know a lot of people hate me, think I’m fucking up, think that I can just stop. I am fucking up, and I wish I could just stop. But life isn’t easy, and I didn’t ask to be born with a brain wired all types of wrong and a craving for numbness. If I had been born normal, I wouldn’t be such a fuck up, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop chasing that euphoric feeling of absolute nothing, it’s all I want. All I need. If I can just have that, if I can just live like that, I will never need anything else.

I’d be home.