Queen City

The beer bust was a bust. Most of the food was gone and the beer was warm. Elvis Presley turned around and headed back up the road. When the police station was in view he could see tanks and armed soldiers lining up to board waiting trucks. Within the hubbub and confusion he recognized Gert by the black burka. Elvis got as close to Gert as he could and called out to her. When he had her attention she ran to him and told him all about what was happening. When she told him about her ability to turn into a fox he wasn’t surprised at all. “Good golly, Miss Gert. This has been a bad day, hasn’t it?”

“You believe me about turning into a fox? Most people don’t.”

“Well heck, Miss Gert, folks turn into foxes all the time in Mississippi. I knew a lady who turned herself into a hawk and pecked her husband to death for cheatin’ on her with Patsy Cline’s hairdresser.”

“Did she get caught?”

"Nope. And I wasn’t about to say nothin’. Now let’s get you home, little lady.”

Gert got into Elvis’ pink Cadillac and soon they were on the road to Puerto Nostradamus.

After a barrage of rockets bursting in the clear Peruvian sky warning of inevitable war, Elvis and Gert led the convoy into Puerto Nostradamus. using the road on the frackers’ side of the fence.

Gert was perched atop the back of Elvis’ pink Cadillac convertible as they entered Puerto Nostradamus on the frackers’ side of the fence. Gert was waving like a prom queen to those within the Nostradamus side of the fence. Behind the wheel, Elvis sang “Shake, Rattle and Roll” as they entered The War Zone. The Black Buzzards trained every can of whoop-ass on the Cadillac, until the army behind the pink Cadillac rumbled into view. Bushit Junior and Darth Vader came running. Bushit Junior did the running, Darth wobbled and farted like an old, fat, mean spirited, has-been.

“Stop, stop, stop! Now! I warn you…you…you…whoever you are!” The Village idiot shouted. Nothing happened. No one moved.

Then it was Vader’s turn: “Order! Down! Now! You will live or you will die. I can save your lives if you get down on your bellies now, or I will see you die now! That’s my best offer. I may look old and bad, boys, but I have the heart of a child! I’m open to compromise.” Nothing happened. No one moved. They were thinking about how unlikable Dirty Dick Vader actually was.

“Every one of you maggots, on the ground!” The Army Captain bellowed in return. The Buzzards dropped to the ground. Several of the soldiers from Puno collected their weapons while others had begun to bring down the fencing around Puerto Nostradamus and to throw two rows of dead electrocuted Buzzards onto neat piles. Gert slid out of the pink Cadillac and after Elvis turned it around; that was the day Gert Talbot-Birdsall gave Elvis Presley a great big teddybear hug and a not-too-quick peck on the cheek, before he put it in gear, pealed-out and split. Her only disappointment was that he never did sing her favorite song, “Blue Suede Shoes.”

Meanwhile, Peter and Angel, both invisible to everyone except Gert, were standing on the porch of Angel’s little shack in Puerto Nostradamus watching the goings-on. They watched as Vader and Bushit were handcuffed and dragged away; two war criminals to be processed and sent to the Hague.

“Sir,” Gert whispered to the Army Captain, “there’s a frozen Governor in our freezer. We don’t know what to do with him?”

“The Governor of where?” The Captain asked.

“New Jersey.”

“Thaw him out. Give him some electroshock therapy. If that doesn’t work, bury him and forget he was ever here.”

After the Buzzards were safely detained and locked in trucks with just enough ventilation to keep them alive in the hot midday Peruvian heat, the search for others who might be hiding in the compound ended with a divine payoff! At gunpoint, were Mamma Bushit, former television evangelist and consummate American example of family values. Behind Big Mama, the most delicious, the most satisfying, the best of all, the make-my-day moment: The heartless, the incomparable and despicable Krotch Brothers were nudged along by imposing assault rifles.

“Captain, I found these stragglers huddled in the corner of the porno arcade,” the soldier said.

“Lord, fuck a duck! Today is the best day of my life! You dirty little scoundrels will be spending years in a nasty, smelly, Peruvian prison. Then, maggots, you’ll be transferred to the other side of the lake, where Argentina will have smellier cells with toothless old men waiting just for you.” To the soldiers, the Captain ordered, “Throw them in with the Buzzards. They’ll learn to get land deeds and not to forge legal documents next time. They’ll learn the hard way not to destroy one of the Wonders of the World! You can be assured that there will never be a next time for them. We’ll pin everything we can on you maggots to keep you in the darkest, dirtiest corners of Hell.” This was a perfect off-with-their-heads moment, but the Krotch Brothers would have to settle for the Captain shouting, “Get these ass-wipes outta my sight!”

The Army Captain told Gert and Charlie, and those who were gathered around them, “We’ll be back to haul off all that contraband over there after the weekend. You might want to commandeer whatever property you want. There’s a great video arcade, portable housing, whatever, and tons of frozen food.” Cheers and words of gratitude all around.

“You wouldn’t happen to have any food that’s not frozen with you, would you?” Charlie asked.

The Captain made a quick announcement, “READY, BOYS,” and a large trailer, pulled by an Army tractor, filled with food supplies, came rolling in. “All you gotta do is start grabbing and taking every morsel of it into...” the Captain looked about and... “Why are these people naked?”

“We do not discourage nudity, nor public sex here in Puerto Nostradamus.”

“What a brave idea,” said the Captain, with a broad smile. “Maybe, I’ll be back and spend a little time with y’all.”

“You’re always welcome,” Gert said. “Our motto is you’ll never be free until you can fuck in the middle of the road and nobody cares. That’s real freedom, Captain.”

A crashing sound accompanied Tallulah Badass as she came running out of the clubhouse. “I bumped into Frozen Crapp! He toppled over and hit the floor awful hard. Oh, Lordy! If the freezer didn’t kill ’im, I think, maybe, I did.”

Everybody shrugged so-what until the Governor came crawling out of the clubhouse. They were horrified. Crapp looked like crap, what with his freezer burns and missing nose.

“I’m sorry, everybody. I’m really, really sorry for eating all your food. Can you ever forgive me?” Crapp pleaded and belched, followed by the scent of smoked ham and salami.

Once again, more shrugs of so-what, but this time their shrugs turned into sneers as they looked upon the Jersey Governor rolling in dust, sweating and crying in an effort to stand up by himself without the help of others.

The Captain whispered to Gert, “See, problem solved.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

“You want me to take him out?” the Captain asked.

“Out? You mean...?”

“Yep.”

“Thank you, Captain. I’m not sure that I’m above having him taken out, but I think that won’t be necessary at this time.

* * *

Meanwhile, invisible to all, Peter and Angel were still standing on the shack’s porch when Peter said, as if it were a confession, “Angel, I’m growing wings.”

“I know. Is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all. I think they’ll be fun. I’ve always wanted wings. Sturdy feathers; not leathery ones like a bat,” Peter said, with a devilish grin.

“Are you ready to see one of our residences?”

"Our. That sounds nice. You mean there’s more than one?” “As many as you can imagine, Peter. C’mon."

Hand in hand they walked into the shed. Angel pointed to the door on opposite wall, “Let’s go through it, Peter.”

Before Peter could refuse, or show any trepidation, they were on the other side. Peter stood with his mouth wide open and his eyes sparkling with wonder—the kind of wonder Peter lost to childhood had returned and somehow it felt more wondrous. Everything was new and beautiful with why-is-the-sky-blue wonder; a kind of wonder that makes one cry.

Ahead was the most beautiful palace Peter had ever seen. Until that moment, he would have thought it unimaginable. Rolling hills of green lawn filled the air with a freshly-mown scent. Willows wept along the path to a palace of inexplicable beauty. Angel nudged Peter and they walked through the unopened door. When only a few feet into the grand palace Peter stopped to take in its splendor. The works of prominent painters throughout the centuries not only hung on the walls of the grand expanse before him, they also filled the walls of every room in the palace. Peter was overcome with exquisite awe. The beauty before him was the kind of beauty seen by artists and by humans on the verge of eternity. Angel watched and took mental notes of how much Peter’s wonder was a joyous event to behold. Angel took the hands of a swooning Peter and kissed them before whispering into his ear. “This will be epic.”

“Epic?”

“Our share of time and space. We will possess it.”

“I don’t understand, Angel.”

“You will. Now it is time we get back to Shady Sanctum.” And they were gone in a flash of pixels.

* * *

“They’re here!” shouted Piggy and Pudgy. “They’re here!”

I thought the two of you were sent to your rooms.” V’s wide smile assaulted them with cruel disgust.

“You didn’t send us anywhere. It was the Seraphic Angel who sent us to our rooms, Vickie dearest. Peter might be powerful, but you’re not. Ain’t no way to kill a Seraph, you know.”

“Are you talking about killing Peter?” V asked.

“Wash out your ears, human idiot!”

“You know what,” V declared, “I don’t care one bit what you dung brats say anymore!”

Sparkling pixels brought Peter and Angel into view.

"Ut oh!” The twins made a beeline for the backdoor.

* * *

The quixcube appeared on the back lawn of the future Bean Center for the Arts.

Captain Talbot exited the quixcube. He crossed the lawn to the east gate of La Bean Hacienda, then followed his nose to Shady Sanctum. As he walked through the damage and the cracks he said aloud, “Humans. They are their own worst enemies.”

* * *

Two hard knocks on Shady Sanctum’s front door.

“I’ll get it,” Carla offered.

“Don’t let any Mormons in!” V, Lily, Billy, Eddy and Too-Much shouted in unison. Then they all laughed and cheered with another toke, another drink. When Carla opened the door she was met by a Black Suit holding a manila envelope. She trembled as she asked, “Yes. Can I help you? Who do you want to see?” Hoping it wasn’t she.

The suit glanced at the manila envelope and read, “Missus Carla Bean.”

“Just Carla Bean. My husband is deceased. ”

The Black Suit reached into his vest pocket and showed her a photograph. “Is this a photo of you, Ma’am?”

Carla glanced at it and said “Not a good one, but that’s me.”

The Black Suit eyed the photo then Carla. “This is for you, Widow Bean.” That was the first time Carla was called Widow Bean, at least to her face. Carla vowed that this would be the last time anyone will call her that, to her face. The Black Suit handed her the envelope. She noticed the unbroken Interpol seal.

“Thank you. Who are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” And then a sudden realization, “I remember you. Last year. Oh, my gawd. It’s you, isn’t it? How did you know I was here? I don’t live here, but you already knew that. Oh my gawd...Architectural Digest!”

“Yes, Ma’am. That was me. Just doing my job, Ma’am. But I have been thinking a lot about you.”

“Really?”

“I wanted to come back to Queen City. Now, here I am.”

“Now there you are,” Carla purred.

“I’m attached to a new branch over on the Eastside. Near Aurora. I’m looking for an apartment right now.”

“Maybe I can help you. Let me put my number in your cellphone and put yours in mine. I may have a spare bedroom coming up very soon.” They exchanged phone numbers.

“You take care, Miss…”

“Carla. Just call me Carla.”

The Suit turned and walked away. Before he was out of sight, Carla shouted, “Call me.”

“You got it, Carla.”

Carla closed the door slowly to watch him until he got into his van and drove away cautiously navigating the fissures and holes in the street. “Jesus Aitch! I never asked him his name.” She sat on the foyer love seat. She stared at the envelope, excited and scared at once, took a deep breath, sighed, tore away the Interpol seal and opened the envelope and took out the document. When she was finished reading it, she read it again. “Oh my gawd!”

She ran back to the partiers, screaming! “My money! My money! It’s a letter from Interpol saying they will release the money after I identify the Greek thief. Barring the world ending, I will testify and identify that fucking Greek cocksucker! No offense to us cocksuckers. Right now it’s all in cyberspace. That’s where they keep large sums of money nowadays. It’s over two-hundred million dollars.”

Too-Much popped up and said, “Carla, the truth cannot offend me. A cocksucker I am and a cocksucker I’ll always be. Wait a minute! Did you just say two-hundred million dollars?”

“I did. I had no idea Mister Bean had this much.” Carla was giddy.”

Shady Sanctum turned into a funeral parlor. Not a sound to be heard. There, in that moment of silence, they did not know how to react. Everyone was happy for Carla. Not a jealous bone in the house. And everyone wondered what her joy must feel like and for a brief moment or two, everyone wanted to be her.

Tommy broke the silence. “Should I tell everybody the plans we’ve been talking about? Should I tell them, Carla?”

“Sure. Why not?” Carla answered.

Tommy Too-Much filled his “family” in on what will no longer be just a dream. He told his audience that Carla was considering buying the mansion next door, and how he will have a huge apartment of his own in the finished basement. Too-Much also offered that, if Carla recovered her stolen fortune—and now she has—she plans to turn La Bean Hacienda into the Bean Museum for the Arts. It will display the collections of all the Friends of Erotic Artifacts, and any other art their newly established family chooses to exhibit. Minnie’s rubbing would have a wall all to itself. The pièce de résistance, a ninety-nine seat theatre over which Victoria and Lily will have complete control. It will be called the Lilith Champagne Theatre. V was so happy for Lily and a theatre named after her, she did not so much as a nanosecond think of herself. Lily was stunned.

The news heard round Queen City: THE END OF THE WORLD IS OVER. CLEANING CREWS ARE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK, LOCAL RESTAURANTS ARE OFFERING FREE FOOD TO THE HOMELESS, AND THE FRACKING AND OIL DRILLING VICTIMS. QUEEN CITY HACKER FINALLY CAPTURED AND HIS WIFE ACCIDENTALLY KILLS HERSELF WITH HER OWN DEATH RAYS!

Minnie Beach and Sir Geoffrey Hemphill had come to an agreement for the terms of their marriage. They will not have intercourse, of course. They will have separate bedroom suites on opposite sides of their mansion. He will put two million dollars in cash in a safety deposit box that only Minnie, having the key, could access. That gave Minnie a welcomed feeling and a renewed sense of security. Although, Minnie saw through any illusions of security. There was no such thing as security. She had learned that the hard way. However, with the title of Lady Minerva Hemphill and a couple million in the bank just for herself, this was an illusion she could live with...assuming her world doesn’t end anytime soon…and it won’t. At least, not today.

And then, one last knock; a slow knock, a short knock, a pleasant knock, on Shady Sanctum’s front door.

“I’ll get it.” Lily rose and went to the front door. When she came back, she had Captain Maxfield Talbot in tow.

“Holy mackerel soup!” Maxfield trotted over and gave the Captain a big hug. “So good to see me,” said a happy Max.

“So good to see me, too,” said an equally happy Captain Max.”

“Max, is this your son?” Lily asked. The two Maxes laughed. “You better tell her, oh Captain, my Captain. It was all your fault in the first place.”

“I suppose it was,” Captain Max confessed. “I was practicing time travel techniques when something went wrong. Your Uncle Max was sent to Earth, while I was able to make it back to Sumer. We are the same person.”

“Proof that you can be in two places at once!” Old Maxfield giggled with glee.

“You’re here to pick up the twins, right?” Lily asked, hopefully. She got right to the point. Getting rid of the twins would add a cherry on the top of her joyous confection.

“Yes, among other things.” The Captain reached behind him where suitcases and a special present for the family sparkled into existence. He announced, “I come bearing gifts.”

“And thank God he’s not a Greek,” said a giddy Carla. And everybody laughed.

“Anything for me?” Piggy asked.

“Or me?” Pudgy echoed.

“NO! The two of you go sit on the front steps and shut up! I don’t want to hear a word out of you two mongrels until I hand you over to your father Monsanto the King of the Underworld. GO!"

The twins left muttering profanities. “You’re all a bunch of turdstools!”

"Yeah, turdstools!”

“They’re Princes?” Too-Much asked.

“Toads,” answered Captain Max.

After the twins had left the room, the Captain retrieved one of the suitcases, read the label and announced, “This is for Minnie Beach who will soon be married to Sir Geoffrey Hemphill. After a quick divorce from the sonofabitch, of course.” The Captain forced himself to ask her intended, “She does know you’re gay, right?”

“Yes. Yes! Oh, yes, yes, yes. I never knew ‘yes’ could feel so good.”

Minnie smiled and said, “And, we are quite fond of each other.”

She was keen to open the suitcase. “This is so exciting.”

The suitcase was filled with clothes, jackets, shoes, gowns, a bottomless suitcase that will forever be filled and refilled with endless surprises. The first surprise was the wedding dress of her dreams. Minnie looked more closely and said, sadly, “I think you may have gotten my size wrong, Captain.” Minnie was disappointed and embarrassed.

“Try on something, Minnie. How about this lovely red dress?” The Captain took it out of the suitcase.

“If you insist, but it won’t get above my hips. I don’t want to tear it...or be ridiculed.”

“I insist,” said the Captain, sternly.

Minnie felt that she had no choice in the matter. So, she took the dress and left the room.

“This present is for the entire family.” The Captain handed it to V, who then opened it. It was a book with the new color. “This is nothing like the other,” the Captain said. “This book has been created for each and every family member. All of you will need to learn the language of spirit. It’s all in the very first chapter. You may need to read it a couple times. Maybe more. After that, you’ll be able to learn more than you can now realize, or imagine, as you continue to use the book. Everyone in this room will develop powers you cannot yet suspect.”

“That’s some color!” Brad said, impressed.

Suddenly, Peter and Angel appeared near the fireplace.

“This is for you,” Angel said while handing the Captain his notebook. “It’s finished. I’d say it’s about fifty-thousand pages.”

“But it looks so small,” Peter said.

“There is no end to the pages,Peter,” the Captain said. This book is the chronicle of your life and times. It is the history of the last pure soul. It will go into the Great Library at Sumer City. Thank you, Angel.”

“Angel, this is for you,” the Captain said. “You know what to do with it. It will make Queen City a safe harbor and soon it might save the entire planet Earth.”

Angel and Peter opened the sack. It was filled with quixelite crystals. “Yes, Captain. I do know what to do with this. Thank you.” Angel bowed.

Minnie returned wearing the red dress. Minnie couldn’t possibly be more than a size four. She was radiant. She ran into Sir Geoffrey’s arms and cried her heart out. Everyone else was in shock and they cried for her happiness.

“What a mushy family you all turned out to be,” Uncle Max chided.

“Maxfield, are you coming home?” Captain Max asked.

“Nope.”

“It will be awhile before I return. Certain?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, Max, if you are certain you want to stay…”

“I am.”

“Then, this is for you,” the Captain handed the other suitcase to Max. Max opened it, jumped for joy and went into his happy dance—which wasn’t something anybody felt they ought to see.

“What is it?” V asked. Max’s excitement was contagious.

Max reached into the case, turned his back and picked up its content, hiding it from the family.

“What is it, Max?” Billy asked.

"Yeah. C’mon. What is it?” asked Too-Much.

Max turned around and he was holding a dummy, an exact look-alike of himself. Max, with his arm up Little Max’s ass squealed, “It’s my dummy!”

“I ain’t nobody’s dummy!” The dummy objected. “You got it?”

“I got it.” Uncle Max said to Little Max.”

“I forgot to tell you, Max. Sometimes, the dummy speaks for himself,” the Captain smiled.

“Three Maxes! Oh my nerves!” It was V who said it, but everyone was thinking it.

The clan expressed their gratitude, their thanks and their goodbyes to Captain Talbot.

After the Captain was escorted by Uncle Max through Dionysius and out the front door, they all found somewhere to sit and wait for V to be the first to open the book. After she did a bolt of lighting struck upwards from the first page. Suddenly, V was in a state of euphoria. She heard herself speaking with an Overlord. Then she passed the book along. After the book had been passed around to everyone there was silence, and in that silence they all knew that their lives were just about to begin.

Peter handed V an envelope and simply said, “Sell this.”

“What is it, Peter?” V asked.

“The deed to my condo. Sell it. Use the money to produce my plays in your new theatre. My lawyer has all the paperwork.” “I will. I would love to produce your plays…most of them.

“Most of them? You couldn’t help yourself. Could you, V?” Peter was jovial. “Just make sure they’re all Broadway-good.”

“That will depend upon the plays.” V smiled. “Where are you going, Peter?”

“To live with my Angel.”

Angel put the sack of quixelite into Peter’s arms. “Come, Peter! We’ll put the crystals around Shady Sanctum. They will create a negative-free zone and so much more.”

“What is that? The ‘much more?’” Peter asked.

“Remember walking through the wall? The door?”

“Who could forget that?”

“Come,” said Angel. Our family will discover it. We don’t have much time for our much more.”

“What is our ‘much more,’ Angel?”

“Everything. C’mon, we’re late for a very important date.”

Peter and Angel embraced and then they were gone. That moment would be the last entry in the Book of Peter.

Captain Talbot kicked the twins into the quixcube, closed the hatch and the hellish monsters were on their way back to Sumer where they will then be shipped to King Monsanto who’s waiting for his mutants.

* * *

There was a beautiful spot beneath a tree covered with huge green leaves with sweetly scented golden blossoms that gently swayed in a warm breeze. In the twilight, Peter and Angel lied on the grass in an embrace under the tree while overhead tiny splinters of light in the black sky surrounded the pale violet glow of two full moons. There will always be magic for Peter and Angel to conjure wondrous delights for their new home, in a dimension all their own, in a newly born universe of infinite galaxies where they will create their own Wonderland.

“Anything? Anything we want, Angel?”

“Anything you want, Peter.”

“Some furry critters scampering about. A forest. lakes and ponds.”

“So be it.”

“Birds singing and air so fresh you can taste it.”

“So be it.”

“Green. A lot of green. Rolling hills of green as far as you can see.”

“So be it.”

“Mountains. I think I’d like some mountains.”

“So be it.”

“And humans. People. There should be kind and beautiful people.”

"Um…you might want to give that some serious thought, Peter.”

"Yeah. I think that might be a good idea.” Then Peter embraced Angel and in a most joyous voice spoke, “I love you, Angel.”

Angel held Peter tightly and whispered, “I love you too, Kiddo.”

“Forever?”

“Right up to the end of now.”

“Let there always be now.”

And at the end of their first day in Wonderland, the satyr and the angel rested.

E. C. W., Denver, Colorado, 2020