Song Of Life

Growing up, I have consistently been a disappointment to my parents, friends, and family. I repeatedly failed to be a part of everything. I noticed I was different. But my difference was too intimidating for others to acknowledge me in public.

My mother always wanted me to be a singer. I won’t lie, I was gifted with such a nice voice and that was the queue for my mom to put every ounce of her labor into my Music. It was never my choice. It wasn’t something I discovered that I owned and felt proud. It was something that was shoved into me and made me believe that I was born for this. My mom had a dream to be a singer, to study in Music. Back then my maternal family didn’t support her. So by the time they realized it, it was too late and guilt washed over on them like a flood. So every one of my uncles did everything on their hand to make me sing. To make me see that I should and have to sing. For my mother. They spend thousands of money to buy me the best instruments.

I was too little and was the good girl. So did what I was told. But as the time went, and I grew up, I found I have no interest in singing. Ma would continuously force me to sing. The family will rant like a broken radio that I have to sing and sing. I can fuck my studies and sing. But I never wanted. I never invoiced that their persuasion made me hate Music. Not only singing to hate every kind of song.

To everyone’s surprise I hate Music. I hate to listen to it. That is a part of the reason I always leave behind on my friends’ expectations. When they only discuss Music, I stay back and pretend to listen where I internally curse them for discussing this particular topic.

Naturally, I started to hate my family for it. My brother was the star of the family. He was everything a parent wanted. Good at studies, very calm and silent, always creating an aura of a very wise intelligent boy. He was gifted from the start. Not to mention how cute he was in his childhood. Everyone called him the most beautiful child in the whole family. He sure was and showed his talents from an early age. Knowing how to point out the alphabet and numbers. He was everyone’s favorite and the child my parents always wanted. And I was the child who my parents wanted to be, just like my brother.

But I was just opposite. I was loud. I was lousy. I was a girl with no common sense. I was the girl who was always compared to her brother and not to stand up the expectations. For a long time, it bothered me. But now it doesn't, it kinda grew on me. And not to mention my amazing brother never really made me feel like I should compare with him. He always made me believe that we all are different. Thank God he wasn’t the ass to make me feel even worse.

At present, I lean onto the tiny balcony of my one-room apartment. Remembering every time, I have been a disappointment to my parents. I let out a huge sigh. Thinking about my life, makes me feel shit. I ran to escape from the world which knew me. I left home, went to another country, even my parents forbid me. But I still did it. Living under my parents’ wish got me so crazy that one day I just knew if I needed to stand up for myself, I need to escape. So with my parents’ dismay, I eloped.

Another sigh came out of the depth of my lung. I scroll through my Instagram stories. Watch my brother traveling countries achieving success, winning awards. Every time I see Dad shares his achievement on Facebook, I won’t lie it stings a bit. But if there is one person in this world who is the proudest of him, it is me. Because I’m happy that at least one of us got to be what we wanted to be.

Mom and Dad never forced brother in anything. He was so bold and always stood for him, that Mom-Dad never had the guts to call over him. But I being the gutless scared one, always had to do what they wanted. They couldn’t control their firstborn so they made sure they do it fully with me.

It was a hard choice for me to leave them. It was like ripping my soul off from my body. It felt like death as soon as my plane took off. A part of me died, and another part was born when I landed.