In The Deep

I stood there in front of the coffin with no expression on my face holding the bouquet of flowers. I lay the flowers on the man’s chest, the man was my father. My mother stood beside me sobbing, others hugging her tightly trying to numb the pain at least a little. I just stood there, others kept asking why I wasn’t crying and wasn’t I upset?. The answer was yes I was but I didn’t want to show it. We drive home in the car, my mom has mascara running down her cheeks then down her neck, she adjusts the rearview mirror to point towards me. Me and my mother never had the best relationship. I was always daddy’s little girl, in fact, we almost never interacted with each other. My dad was the best, he was an amazing cook, really nice, always listened when I spoke and super fun. Even though mom and dad fought a lot I knew that they loved each other. When we get home it’s pretty late the first thing I do when I get in is glance around the room. Mom places her car keys on the oak wood dining table and sighs. “Are you hungry?” her voice startled me a little “Yeah I guess” I responded awkwardly I really wasn’t but my mom was in a bad state and I didn’t want to leave her alone, that’s the last thing she needs right now. “I’ll order some take outs. How’s Chinese sound?” She sounded a little less sad that I agreed to eat with her “Yeah sure that’s fine” I responded. We sat at the dining room table in silence after mom ordered our food. “I’m gonna wait in my room till the food gets here” I finally said “uh ok sweetheart” sweetheart?? Since when does she call me that. I ran up the steps to my bedroom and lock the door behind me I aggressively tug the bright pink quilt and sheets off my bed and throw them on the floor, I walk to my closet and pull a different set of sheets and grab a new quilt from the top shelf they were both a heavy black color I changed the pillowcases to the same color. Mom called me and said the food was here, I threw the covers into a corner and walked downstairs. I sit down and watch as my mom takes out the food placing the containers in front of me, I ordered 3 things a tub or Lo mein, some fried chicken and a small container of rice, of course, I didn’t want to eat it all but I wanted to stay with mom and keep her company even though we didn’t talk the whole time we were eating it felt that we somehow connected I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to connect with her she’s the reason dad died she caused it she wouldn’t stand by him when he needed her the most, it stressed him out and he had a heart attack. It was her fault. She finished eating before me threw out her container and before walking up the stairs to her room she said “goodnight darling” in a soft tone, I didn’t like it “goodnight” I said back with noodles dangling out of the side of my mouth,around 5 minutes after she went upstairs I packed up the leftover food and put it in the fridge I turned off the light in the kitchen and went upstairs I changed into my blue plaid shirt and matching pants then threw myself on the bed and started crying I remembered I didn’t lock my door and went over to do so just then the door swung open but it wasn’t my mom it was my best-friend Charlie he looked happy to see me “Good you haven’t drowned in your own tears yet” he said with a smile “oh and I see you’re wearing the pajamas I bought you” he said shoving me aside and sitting on my bed “god why is it so depressing in this room where did all the colors go” I sighed wiping my tears away “what are you doing here Charlie?” I asked him “It’s the middle of the freaking night and how did you even get in?” I continued. ”Your mom obviously let me in” he said as if I was an idiot . “No, I just thought she was asleep and I didn’t even hear her get up” I responded. “Well she’s up”, He spoke. “Oh ok”, I said, plopping down on the bed next to him. I lay my head on Charlie’s left shoulder letting out a deep sigh, he noticed the bitter expression on my face and spoke, “I’m sorry” he said I could hear his voice breaking. “For what?” I whispered, choking back tears. Charlie took a deep breath recollecting himself “ For everything, and you can say it’s not my fault for what happened to your dad and I know it’s not but I wasn’t there for you when he was in the hospital but….”, I cut him off in the middle of his sentence. “Charlie, you couldn’t have known I didn’t tell you and when I did all I said was he was sick so you couldn’t have guessed it would be this bad my god I didn’t even think it would get as bad as it did. But you know what stuff happens and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Listen Charlie I love you your my best friend nothing is ever going to change that” I whispered. After that I broke into tears, Charlie placed his hand on my arm and squeezed it lightly “I love you too Iyana”, He responded. “Do you want to sleep over?” I asked. “Sure let me just text my mom”.