alice
“I think we need a break.”
Every first date, Alice Wang repeats the lines: “I will not cling or depend on you; my existence is separate to our relationship, so if we fight or have disagreements, and breakup I will continue life normally. My function does not validate my emotions; so, if your pride cannot take that please don’t waste my time, I hate people who blame my emotional stability for their future relationship inability.” In high school teachers said she was too mature for her age, which was true because she never entered a relationship in high school because most of the population were equally emotionally immature, and found her too serious. At college, there were a select few candidates in the population that had the emotional maturity to date her. Landon was among the college population that had the emotional maturity and reciprocated her approach on relationships. She never thought of herself as an ice queen like many named her, she merely understood her sole existence could not mirror that of her mother and that her relationships with men should not be likened unto her father. At twelve years old Alice learned, for one to exist, their existence should not revolve or depend on another’s; after her fallout with her father, that has yet to be reconciled from. Alice now 25 still very much abhors the idea of revolving around someone, being unable to function without a person or persons. In the dictionary of her heart, such dependence on someone is unhealthy, and such extreme is not love.
When Landon proposed the break, she agreed; as much as he needed time to think, she needs it too. When they began their relationship, they were on the same page on the idea of marriage: “ask in three years.” But back then they were only in their final year of university preparing for the world of 9-5 jobs and committing to a meticulous routine, so the commitment of marriage seemed a lifetime away. Three years had passed and they were still unsure of where they stood; they both knew everybody lives at their own pace but what was the point in continuing their relationship if they weren’t going to complete the next step. Alice knew Landon wanted marriage and a family, while she was unsure of those two things; she could not be selfish and prevent the fulfillment of his wishes and he could not pressure her for his desires. When she was in second grade her dream job was to be a mother & a wife, somehow the child in her knew, those two things she wanted would be the two things that seemed like a dream, out of reach, an impossibility. Alice did not grow up with two parental figures, her mother was always holding onto the threads of her marriage, while her father seemed to hate her, in comparison to the way he treated her siblings. As much as she appreciated her parents for the many privileges they had given her, she was unsure whether she should thank them for the experiences that gave her the maturity she prided herself in having because that same maturity made her dreams of marriage and being a good parent seem impossible. It was in her DNA the depression that ran in their family, the difficulty in expressing emotions and communicating, the impulsive anger, so how could the terrible husband and wife, the terrible parent not run in her blood too?
Straight out of high school she had scraped money to see a therapist, and for her 4 years of college, she had seen a therapist frequently, to help deal with the trauma and issues created by her childhood. Though she had received treatment and no longer needed treatment, she knew her days in therapy could never erase the demons in her head, they had permanently resided when she was a little child. Landon too understood her issues, his father abandoned his mother when he was a baby, returning when he had entered middle school, and leaving again right before his middle school graduation. They both had reciprocated pain from the abandonment from their fathers, but Landon still had his mother. Though they had shared pain; it did not mean they were on the same page, no matter how many experiences you share, everybody’s life has their own difficulties, and that includes themselves. Alice was one of them, Landon never experienced difficulties with himself, Alice, on the other hand, was extremely critical to herself, that it was as if she had another person opposing her and abandoning her. But even so, the two never saw each other differently for their demons, they too never minded their demons, but rather they supported each other in patience. But this time the issue of their demons cannot simply be resolved by support, but a choice on what would be best for themselves individually.
Alice and Landon both were prideful they could never deign and had the uttermost amount of self-respect for themselves. They knew a relationship did not define emotions between two people nor did love need confirmation, they were two people content with the privilege of holding emotion for others, and would never develop the greed to ask for more if it was unreciprocated or inappropriate.
Perhaps that was why they matched each other too well, the balance between themselves.
“Good Morning Macy.” Alice greeted her assistant, sitting down picking the folder of papers that had been left for her on her desk.
“Good Morning Chief Editor, Michael left the draft you requested on your desk.” Macy greeted.
“My interview with Timothy Garret is at 11 in Studio 1, and I need to be there at 10 to supervise the shoot.
“Mhm.” her assistant replied, understanding Alice’s statement; Alice needed her to have a taxi at 9:00 so they could arrive on time at the studio, for the supervision and the interview.
Alice turned on her computer, looking through the folder, and began work.
“Chief Editor, it’s 5 minutes to 9.” Her assistant reminded.
Alice finished off her work, taking her bag and papers heading down with Macy. Looking out the window of the taxi the sky was a cloudy grey, seeing the gloomy sky, she looked away. Her mood often reflected the weather, which was not her unsuitable for New York weather, as the cold weather gave her periods of depressive moods. To stimulate her mood she opened her phone and began scrolling through Instagram. Mindless scrolling, tapping the heart and watching the number grow, relieved her stress. With a slip of her hand, she was looking at her posts, bored she began scrolling through her posts. From photos with Landon to only herself, most contained small reminders of Landon. Looking through her posts she smiled, though they were on a break with an uncertain future, her heart still remained steadfastly fond of him.
