Renee Antoinette
What appeared on this blank page after my fingers were done tapping across the keyboard didn't feel right. I have typed and erased, typed and erased; So I'm done trying to approach this with words that are going to captivate you. I'm going to type the words that makes this easier for me. Please no judgement or negative opinions; It is no ones place to speak besides mine. This is for me.
I want to begin by remembering her, my gosh was she beautiful; I still remember her smile, her sun tanned skin that was embellished with unprofessional tattoos and scars. Her beautiful curly dark hair, I can still see her brushing her hair when I close my eyes. I can still remember her handwriting, the gold jewelry that decorated her neck and hands. Her hugs; I would give anything for one last hug.
Towards the end I remember her extremely large stomach, she would always joke that she was eight months pregnant, but it wasn’t something to joke about. The bed that was in the Livingroom because she was so ill she didn’t sleep in her bedroom. the extreme fluid retention in her feet causing her to wear slippers. Her being to weak to wash herself in the bath so I would wash her hair and help as much as I could for my age. Being in class and hearing an ambulance go by and being so terrified it was going to my house to take her for the last time. She was so brave, so strong. I don’t know how she did it. can you imagine the strength it takes to sit your child down and tell them you are dying? I will forever remember every emotion that took over my 9 year old body that day. But most of all I remember her courage, how strong she was as I fell apart. Im so sorry you had to do that mom, I cant imagine the pain you felt inside.
I was 9 years old when my mom sat me down one day after school, with supernatural courage and strength she told me she was dying, just like that. She only had so much longer to live; her liver was no longer functioning, the alcohol took over and was taking her away from me and my brothers. The Anger flooded through my body, how selfish of her to chose alcohol over her kids, we needed our mother, how dare her look me in the eyes an tell me she was going to die. I was a child, I didn’t want her to go. The Tears, oh the tears that fell down our cheeks after I yelled and screamed. my heart was shattered. Just imagine her heart, how much hurt she must have felt telling me this. the hurt in her heart knowing she was going to be leaving me an my brothers in this world without her. I cant even imagine how she felt on that day or every day after not knowing when.
It was me, I was the one that called 911 for the last time. I lost apart of myself that day; I could tell she was scared, she knew it was almost time.
Saying goodbye, This is the very last moment I remember with my mom. Her gold Jewelry no longer sparkled on her neck and hands. Her sun kissed skin turned to a gray cloudy day. Her crazy curly hair was being restrained by straps to all the tubes going into her body. Her Beautiful smile faded away.
I held her hand as she laid there with her eyes closed. I held her hand not truly understanding this was it. I held it tight. She couldn’t speak, I was told to talk to her because she could hear me, so I did. I told her I loved her , oh I loved her so much. I told her I wanted her to come home and get better there, but she couldn’t reply, no matter what I said she spoke no words back to me. Just as I gave up trying to get her to speak a Tear fell. A tear fell down her cheek, that one tear said everything I was waiting to hear. how much she loved me, how sorry she was for everything, that I was going to be ok, that she was ok. . But most of all it said goodbye. I will always Remember.
