Meet the Stalkers

There was a man named Michael who had just moved to New York City. His first few months in the city had been fine, and nothing was unusual. That soon changed. One day after he walked into his living room, he noticed something alarming when he looked through his window. He saw a group of people crowded around a window in an apartment looking at him, grimacing at him, and scrutinizing him. He brushed it off of his shoulder, expecting it to be a one-time thing. However, it kept happening. The same people would always stare at him, and Michael realized something, he had stalkers. There were six of them, and they seemed to be best friends. One of the women in the group of stalkers happened to work at Michael’s favorite coffee shop, Central Perk. The other five were constantly hanging out there, as if they did not even have jobs of their own. Michael always knew where to find them, on the couches, never letting anyone else sit in their spots. He always had to sit in the back of the coffee shop because of it, appearing as though he was just pretending to make conversation in order to make the six friends appear more important. The friends’ conversations were very interesting, so Michael would listen in on them, and he found out a lot about his stalkers because of it. The waitress was constantly on-again, off-again with another member of the group, who was a paleontologist with three divorces. He was quite competitive when it came to being right, and he was always trying to prove that “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” Michael never understood what that meant. Next, there was a woman who sang songs about cats that smelled. Another had been on a soap opera, but he was killed in the show by an elevator shaft. He was as dumb as a sack of rocks. There was also a very sarcastic man who put too much emphasis on the word “be.” Lastly, there was the culinary expert, the divorce guy’s sister, who was a clean freak. She too was extremely competitive; like brother, like sister.

One of Michael’s most horrifying days was caused by his stalkers. He had just finished jumping on his gravity boots and was pretty exhausted. After that he decided to take a nap, which turned into a rather long nap. To his dismay, he woke to something poking him repeatedly. He had no idea what it could be. When he finally opened his eyes, he saw a large stick made from a bunch of chopsticks that was going from the balcony of his stalkers’ apartment, through his window, and touching him! When he turned to see who all was doing it, he saw this magnificent thing. Suddenly, the poking did not bother him anymore. Standing in his gaze was the blonde girl who sang all of the strange songs. He had never realized how beautiful she was, and he knew from the second he saw her there that he was in love. There was one problem. He had never been very good with the ladies. He was quite large; he was almost as big as a mobile home. He walked around his home nude, which the ladies did not like so much. He felt like the only way she would notice him was if he slimmed down and wore clothes. So, he joined Weight Watchers and went clothes shopping to win her over.

Two months had gone by and Michael was thin and clothed. He decided to go to Central Perk in hopes that the woman of his dreams would be there. He walked up to the door leading to the coffee shop, took a deep breath, and walked in. Unfortunately, she was not there. A few minutes later, one of his stalkers walked in. It was one of his stalkers, the one that had been a soap opera star.

He looked around and said, “Mike!”

Hearing the other name Michael went by, he said, “Yeah?”

The old soap opera star walked up to him and said his name was Joey and that he needed Michael’s help. Joey asked Michael to agree to go on a blind date with a woman named Phoebe. However, there was an issue with Joey’s request. Michael was still in love with the woman on the balcony, and he did not want to go on a date with anyone else.

So he tells Joey, “I’m sorry, but I am in love with someone and I do not want to jeopardize anything with her.”

Then, he walked out of Central Perk, onto the street, and when he turned, he saw a truck coming toward him at full speed. Everything went black.