Chapter 1
It seems like the only color I could see is black. Black pants, black shoes, black umbrellas. Even the Pennsylvania sky shares its misery today, pelting us with rain drops and sounding its agony in thunder.
My mother stands at the front, facing dozens of rows of chairs that were occupied and giving a wobbly smile to anyone who approaches her. The dark wooden coffin behind her serves as a reminder of why we are all gathered today.
Not that anyone needed reminding.
"I would like to take a moment to thank everyone for coming today," My mother announces, taking her place at the podium and looking out towards everyone seated. "It means a lot to me to see so much support and love today and I'm sure it would mean a lot to Cameron as well." She breaks off and tries to muffle a cry before continuing. "And now, my daughter would like to say a few words. Edith?" She nods to me and I stand.
I wipe my palms down the sides of my black dress and make my way up, putting all of my effort and attention into walking and concentrating firmly on the ground. I refused to look in the coffin earlier and I still haven't. Though there was nothing inside it, to me it was a symbol of lost hope. We had been waiting for three months to hear anything from the police about where Cameron might be, and after three months of silence it was suggested that we hold a funeral for him. Even though he isn’t dead.
For closure or something, I still am not sure.
I pass my mom and give her hand a quick squeeze before she sits next to my dad and I set my speech on the podium. Clearing my throat, I gaze at the trees in the distance as I begin.
"There are no words to describe Cameron. I don't think there are enough words." The podium seemed so much higher before but now I find myself thinking that it isn't high enough. "My brother is someone who could always bring a smile to everyone's face. He's really kind and is always super supportive and he always knows just the right thing to cheer you up. When we were younger, he would make me cookies whenever I was upset and he would watch really cheesy films with me to make me feel better. He is my rock and I dont know what Im going to do now that he's. . ." I trail off and fiddle with the paper edges, my tears starting to stain the paper.
"I. . . um. I remember when Cam was in fourth grade, he would always wear that stupid detective hat and he spent the whole summer carrying a magnifying glass around. Cam got really into detective books that summer and loved solving fake mysteries. He would be gone for hours solving cases that he made up. I reckon he would have made a good investigator someday if he wanted to be." I pause and rack my brain for something more to say. "One of my favorite memories is um. . Cameron always had one piece of hair that would fall over his eyes and it would annoy mom like crazy but he- he never wanted to cut it. They got into so many arguments about that. And so, one April Fool's I decided to cut it a little when he was sleeping for moms sake. He got so mad when he found out, he didn't talk to me for a week. But he came around eventually. He always does." I can feel my throat starting to tighten up and I smile weakly. "He was an amazing baseball player, he's an excellent painter, and he's the best brother in the world."
"I don't believe that he is gone. I know he's just lost somewhere and doesn't know how to find his way home. He has to be here. I don't know what to do without my big brother." I sniffle and suddenly, everything feels like it is too much. My breath come in jagged and I start walking, past my mom, past the last row of chairs, past everyone. It's too much, everyone looking at me with pity and sorrow in their eyes. They have no hope that Cameron will be found. They've accepted it too easily.
I have to get out.
I break into a run once Im out of the cemetery and head towards the woods straight across from it. I'm thankful my mom didn't make me wear heels as I sprint into the tree line and disappear into the shadows. I stumble to the tree that Cameron and I always used to climb and sink into the mud, letting out a loud sob.
He wasn't really gone. He couldn't be.
What was the world if it didn't have Cameron in it?
My knees sink deeper into the mud and I lean against the tree trunk for support. A clap of thunder shakes the ground, as if agreeing that the world was an awful place, and I sob even harder.
"Hey, hey." A deep, familiar voice pulls my attention for a second. I make out the blurry face of Oliver Mansen, my brother's best friend, before his arms are around my shivering form, pulling me in for a hug and sheltering me from the late May showers. "Shh. Its going to be okay Edie." He soothingly rocks me back and forth.
"How could he just disappear? Why can't anyone find him?" I uncontrollably sob into his chest as he continues to hold me tightly until I run out of tears.
For a while, the only sounds are the rain pattering on the leaves and my anguish. My tears slow until all of the strength leaves my body and my crying stops, allowing me to take a deep, shaky breath before pulling back. Trembling hands wipe any trace of tears away and I scoot back to create space in between us. Being so close to him feels weird, especially since we haven't been this close since middle school. Everything feels awkward around him now. What are you doing here? The question comes out thick and stuffy and I sniffle again.
Oliver looks conflicted for a moment before resting his gaze on my face. "I had to make sure you were okay." He replies earnestly.
"I'm fine. You can go now." I cross my arms and shift my foot in the mud. It feels like we are strangers to each other and I hate it.
I hear an exasperated sigh and Oliver settles down next to me, taking off his suit jacket and tucking it around my shoulders. "No, you're not. And you aren't going to be okay for a while, but I'm not going anywhere until you stop crying." We sit in silence after that.
When I can breathe normally again, I angle my head towards him. "What do you want?"
From the corner of eye, I see Oliver give me a funny look. "What do you mean?"
"I mean exactly that. You don't talk to me anymore unless you want something. So, what do you need?" I tug his jacket closer to my body and wait for a response.
He rolls his eyes and gives a humorless laugh. "Is it really hard to believe that I don't want anything right now?"
"Yes."
An annoyed sigh leaves his lips and his hands dig into his long golden locks. His hair is that rich color that everyone dyes their hair in hopes of matching but can only be achieved if its natural. It makes my dark brown hair look boring in comparison. "Look, I understand what you're feeling—"
"You don't understand anything I'm feeling right now, Mansen." I snap angrily.
"Yes, I do." Oliver turns and grips my shoulders, eyes blazing. His eyes are rimmed red and he looks tired. "I understand that he was your brother and you're feeling a lot of pain and anger. I get that- he was my best friend for God sakes, you don't think I feel that way too! I'm just making sure that you're okay. I owe him that much at least." His hands leave my shoulders, instead running over his face. "Look, I know that we aren't close anymore and that you still hate me, but I just want to let you know that I'm here if you need to talk to someone about him. I loved him too. He was like a brother to me. And it's hurting me just as much as it's hurting you to be going through this right now. I think it is complete crap that they're holding a funeral when he's still out there. It's ridiculous that they are giving up so easily."
I jerk my head back in surprise, almost hitting him in the nose. "You think he's still out there?" I whisper, hope seeping into my voice.
Oliver looks at me with bewilderment, "Of course I still think he's out there. I know it." His honey- colored eyes hold a determination that I'm familiar with. It's the same determination I have been holding for three months, ever since he went missing. "And I know you know it too."
I avert my eyes to the ground, frowning. "I just feel like there is nothing I can do. I mean, if the police don't even have anything, how could I find him?"
"I have no idea, Edie." There is a sadness in his voice that makes my heart ache. "I guess we just have to keep hoping." After a few minutes of terse silence, he hands me one of the memorial cards and stands up. "Anyway, I'm just making sure that you know you aren't alone in this. I'll be here if you need me." With that, he leaves, glancing back at me once more.
