Life in Reverse

There isn’t a moment where I don’t wish things could be different. Where everything that happened last year could just be erased but it doesn’t work like that.

Summer is over and it’s back to the real world. It feels weird to be going back to school with a husband and a kid but I wasn’t a quitter so I forced myself out of bed this morning. And Aaron has been pushing me to do it, he wants me to finish high school, go to college, and accomplish all my dreams. He’s very sweet but I don’t feel the motivation to do anything these days. And I feel bad leaving Brandon and him alone. Even if it’s just for a couple of hours. We’ve also had to hire a part-time babysitter when Aaron’s at work at his dad’s company. I feel weird about letting someone else take care of my child but I know it’s only for two-three days a week. Aaron is home most of the time cause he knows how hard it was for me to go back to school. Again he’s very sweet.

“Focus on school babe,” he says, “We’re going to be just fine.”

I try and think about his comforting words as I step into the halls of Redmont High for my last first day. I never imagined walking down these halls without Jordyn by my side. We had so many dreams about the first day of senior year and now that just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Thinking about how we don’t even speak now.

Again I just wish this past summer never happened. Especially, now as I was about to walk down this hallway.

“Wasn’t she the pregnant girl last year” I hear them whisper. “What is she doing back? Didn’t she flunk out?”

I try to block it out. It’s not like what they were saying wasn’t true. I was the pregnant girl last year. I almost did flunk out. And what the hell was I doing back here? But I couldn’t give them the satisfaction of proving them right.

“Keep your head high Els,” I tell myself but I don’t know if I could do that for the entire school day. I’ve endured gossip and rumors before, trust me it wasn’t anything new to me. I went to school with a huge pregnant belly and that was no picnic but something about doing this alone. Without Aaron...without...

I shake off those thoughts. I couldn’t let the vultures see me cry. And so I walked down that long hallway that never seemed to end, trying to keep my head up high. The key word; trying. I passed all the whispers and stares and headed out to the back of the school. It was at least fifteen minutes before the first period would start and I needed a place to breathe. At the back of the school was the teacher’s parking lot which is almost always empty in the mornings. There was one security guard though that patrolled to make sure no kids came out there to smoke or fool around.

His name was John and he always liked me, so when he noticed me he gave me a warm smile and waved. I returned the smile and waved back. He was on patrol so he couldn’t stop to say hi but that didn’t bother me. I wasn’t in the mood for company. I sit down on the steps of the school and take out my earphones. I put on a feel-good playlist and put both buds in and volume all the way up. Music is my new therapy nowadays. I try to use it to block out the world and it helps. It was one of the things that got me through the really bad postpartum that I had after giving birth to Brandon. And now it’s for when I want to escape. Or when I need a second to breathe.

And so there I am sitting on the steps, letting myself get lost in the music. It must have been a strange sight but I didn’t care. I just needed to be in my own head for a second. The sound of my favorite soulful songs danced in my ear. The sad lyrics of someone really going through it resonated with me. And whenever the songs got really low and quiet I would feel it the most. Why would I listen to sad music to help me feel better? I don’t know. All I know is that it just does.

It was an escape. A way to express my feelings. I knew though if I wasn’t careful I could be out there for hours. Aaron calls it my “daze” he says he’s worried that someday I won’t be able to snap out of it. But something always does.

This time it was the bell. That horrible bell rang as loud as possible, signifying that I was late for class. Anxiety flooded me and I was back in reality. My first class was homeroom with Mr. Richman and he was known to be a pain in the ass, especially to late students. But as I was hurriedly packing my things something caught my eye. More like someone.

Jordyn. And Jason.

I hadn’t seen them in so long I thought I might have forgotten what they looked like but I recognized them instantly. Jordyn had fully embraced her curls and they were out and bouncing every time she laughed. Jason looked about the same every time I saw him. His black hair is still messy and most of the time uncombed but it always seems to work for him. They were both now embracing and Jason kissed her. I felt a little creepy and awkward watching them but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Mostly because I just couldn’t believe how...happy Jordyn seemed. I know I shouldn’t have expected her to be crying and look horrible but it seemed as though she was a completely new person. I felt horrible for months after I had written that letter and I still feel horrible about it. And seeing her now I’m starting to regret that choice but it couldn’t change what happened and the fact that she’s still...with him.

Oh, Jason Briggs I really did want to like you.

I hated that I felt jealous and worse even upset because I was the one that wrote that letter. I was the one who broke the friendship. But I couldn’t help it. I stood there feeling all those negative emotions I had felt before. But I had to remember why I even wrote that letter in the first place. My son...my husband...to protect my family.

But Jordyn was my family. A thought that always seems to sneak up in the back of my mind. I tried to push it down every time but it was like a big flashing sign that was always there. But I knew everything was still the way it was and I couldn’t be with my family. Not now..not ever?

It must have been at least ten minutes of me just standing there watching them unable to tear my eyes away. I hadn’t realized I was crying until the security guard John placed his hand on my shoulder and asked, “Are you okay Ella? Class has started.”

I quickly snapped out of it and looked up at the concerned security guard. And then I turned back to Jordyn who was now looking in our direction. Seeing her facing me made me want to throw up and I ran so fast back in the building. I don’t know whether or not she had seen me staring at her the entire time but I couldn’t think about that now. All I knew was that I had to get out of there.

And so I did. But my mind was racing. I don’t know why I had assumed that she wouldn’t come back to school. I assumed she’d do homeschooling so she’d be closer to Jason but I was clearly wrong. How was I going to deal with seeing her around school every day? Especially during class and in the halls? I’m sure people are going to wonder what happened between us. Would I even be able to tell them without exposing Jason and what he did? Oh yeah and all the heat on Jason’s father, it died down a bit but I’m sure those vultures would still be talking. Why did I write that letter? Why did Jason have to do what he did? Why was everything in reverse!? Why...

I never went to Mr. Richman’s class that day or any of my classes. With tears in my eyes, I ran out those doors. Hoping to never step foot into Redmond High.

Author’s Note: Hey guys, Happy New Year! Sorry for the delay but here is the sequel to the President’s Daughter. If you’re new here and you just happen to stumble upon this then go read the President’s Daughter because a lot of things won’t make sense in this book if you don’t. Anyway lots of love and thank you for reading the prologue of Life in Reverse