Pity

“I wish you the best.”

“Yeah right,” I mutter. The ghosts in the corner wish me better luck then anything you could ever dream for me. Grays and beiges, walking through a world of white. There was purpose, now, walking through this world in a haze is my new destiny. Nowhere I can go will knock me back to reality.

“Move it asshole!” Some lady barks in my direction. Another gray, bland woman like the others. It seems like no matter what form I take; I always seem to be a nuisance for everyone else. I continue to trudge along the streets thinking of what I’ve lost, who I’ve lost. The sky’s bright, shining right onto that store sign, an omen.

“What can I do you for?” the man at the register says. I’m sure he said it normally, but the words sound slurred, slow. Everybody talks that way these days, it’s just my head. While the urge to let the waves take over me and join him in this muddle of being, chartreuse eyes flash before me, and the fog clears, for the time being.

“I need a gun,” I state, “a handgun, and a few bullets.” He looks at me with a start, probably wondering, ‘What’s he need a gun for? The lowlife around here don’t need any more weapons at their fingertips.’ I know that’s what he’s thinking because I was him, once, on another day, in another time.

“What for?”

“Do you want to know?” Wide eyes look me up and down again. Itchy. His eyes are boring into me. I writhe in my shell, my hands come to my neck before I can stop myself, scratching at the pitted scars there, nails finding home in my skin as they look to greet the blood within. Money is money, doesn’t matter where it comes from, just that you get it down to the penny. I walk out with the paper bag held tight in my grip. The gun’s hefty, but to me, it feels like nothing. Walking into her building is so familiar, I don’t realize I’m there until I hear the elevator ding on her floor. I head down her hall until I’m stopped by them.

“The fuck you think you’re doing here loser?” They screech, “I know it ain’t to go grovel on your knees to my girl, is it? That’s all I can expect outta piece of shit like yourself.” I know what’s coming from a thug like the one before me, but I can’t seem to move myself out of the way. A swift kick to the back of my knees and I’m falling; it doesn’t feel like it stops after my head hit the floor, but the dizziness lifted enough for me to hear them speak once more. Her vice-like grip on this new, beige loser is apparent, she’s got them eating out of the palm of her hand. It’s sad, to see another get lost in her eyes, glinting of hope and starlight. Too bad, it’s just petulance and sadism in disguise.

“Go back to your parent’s house mutt, maybe they’ll give you a second chance, cause you sure as shit ain’t getting one from her, it’s over.” I couldn’t say anything, there was just nothing to say. They laughed again; I feel another kick to my guts before they board the elevator and go. This is what it’s come to. I pick myself up and stumble to her door. A beautiful vermilion colored door, unfortunately, covered in ugly scratches and a big gash going the upper right corner right to the middle. I wonder if she still has my knife; I never meant it as a goodbye present but it stuck itself in the door when I left the gash for her.

“What on God’s green earth could you possibly want from me?” Her shrill voice cut through the air. Hands on wide hips, plush body stuffed into her favorite sweatshirt and jeans. A shame, they gave a body of a saint to a demoness. I hope my image is burned into her retina, fluids staining that sweatshirt so she can never think of Ariana Grande again without remembering this moment. The bag in my hand trembles, a smile splinters its way into my face, my lips cracking as they upturn. The bag drops and my gorgeous new appendage is loaded and ready to take flight. Her eyes fly open wide, the show has resumed its place on the main stage.

“Put that down! Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing!” Silence. My twitchy fingers aren’t growing any duller, she best move her tongue quickly. Oh, that devilish tongue, so quick to lash upon me, yet it’s grown so tired now.

“Please put it down and we can talk, I’ll do anything you want honey, what do you want?” There it is, the million-dollar question, “What do you want?” The fear in her eyes, the fight or flight just waiting to take place, it’s all just delicious. I’ve never been more excited in the timeline of our relationship, never her curvature nor the sweet nothings she made up to keep me, they could never compare to this. I bring my beauty to my head as now, I can finally stare her down, blood pumping, racing through me.

“I just want the best for you,” I say, as finally, my cursed world goes black.