Untitled chapter
Grace Point of view
Hi my name is grace and I am 15 years old. I live with my abusive family. A little bit about me is that I suffer from depression and anxiety sometimes it may even affect my speech and I get bully by my family and also kids at school. In these times the only person I can turn to is god. I grew up in church but I was pull out when my mother decided to move. Ever since then my connection with god wasn’t good or at least that’s what I thought. Today is the first day of school and I am so nervous. The school where I attend wears a particular uniform by the time I am ready for school everyone is either sleeping or going out the door. I am the child who ruin everyone life. My presence will just disturb my family I normally get called ugly, stupid, useless etc. That’s why I spend most of my time alone in my room. My father normally beats my mother and also me. I have to make my own breakfast if I don’t let’s just say that I won’t have anything to eat. All of the kids at my school have their parents to cook and clean for them when mine will normally tell me that they are going to make me starve to death. I went to my bed hungry sometimes but that’s the least of my problems. This is not a story of snow white and prince charming but a story of how I found God.
The beginning of corona virus
Corona virus was a virus that put the whole world on pause by sadly we were still living. Staying at home with my dysfunctional family was the worst thing that could happen to me. When at home I am always label as the kid who causes all the trouble. Did I like it? No anytime I want to share my point of view is either I am disrespecting someone I normally get called a hoe and a mistake and that I will never become anything in life. I wanted to runaway but where would I go especially in this virus. Sometimes I will just pull out my phone and watch videos of kids who barely have anything to eat but at the end of the day I envy these kids because they got love I cannot tell the last time I felt love any time I try I always end up getting hurt. My parents will normally compare me to other kids. Sometimes they may even call me ugly and useless. I use to get straight a’s but now I am not even paying attention in class. It’s hard to focus when your teacher hits a topic that describes you whole life. Especially in guidance class, my teacher became my best friends one time I was even going to tell the teacher what I was going through. But I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. A little while later in the virus my mother asked me to come to the supermarket with her to purchase some items. When we got into the store she told me to take up two packs of wipes. When we got home she started shouting and saying that I am a fool and that it was three packs of wipes I should have taken up. As usually I took what she said and went to my room and cry. After finishing crying I went back downstairs for a snack because I haven’t eaten since morning. When getting the snack my sister will say means things to me and start calling me names like bitch and that she will hit me. I went out the kitchen with my snack and too my room. I took out my phone and started reading the messages from my ex. They were messages of how I am a hoe and that I am selfish when he was the one who left me to be with some other girl. And then said to myself what am I living for, my family hates me; I don’t have any friends, why am I even living. So I decided to take my own life was it a hard decision, no it wasn’t ... Why live in a world where you unloved and underappreciated. Before I did this sinful act I wanted to know what everyone else was doing when I was having suicidal thoughts. Well my so called sister was there on the phone with her friends calling me ugly, useless and that she wish that I was dead. What else did I need to commit this sinful act I asked myself and in that moment tears started to run down my face? I was strong enough to go to phrase two my mother well you know what it was she was there calling me ugly and you know the rest. I didn’t even want to go to my so called father to see what was happening. I went on Google and typed in ways to kill myself they had a lot of response such as your the most amazing person on the earth you deserve everything good , you’re smart, your one of I kind. At that moment I felt something I haven’t felt since forever and that’s love I was like what is this feeling how much is it going to cost. I felt to live for another, people from all over the world are telling me that I am smart, beautiful and that after every rainy day there will always be a rainbow that shines and give people hope of a better tomorrow. I then said to myself what if I could be that rainbow what if I can be that person who shines and give hope, I felt this feeling that made me feel like I had all the power in the whole. I use to let people put me now but now it’s time to shine. I felt so inspire to get up and do something I can’t change the way others treat me but I can change the way I treat myself. I got up and looked in the mirror and I was like damn you fine. I was having such an amazing moment but then my mom walks in Grace she said. I looked at her with regret then she asks me what was going on in my life. In that moment I wasn’t sure if I should shout or just be happy that she cares.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
Is mother finally able to accept her mistake and move on from the past or am I the one who won’t be able to move. These are the questions that fill my head in that moment sure I wanted to bond with her but was it worth it? I wanted to have a normal life but I am so caught up in the past and I don’t think I will ever forgive her. And then I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself. Yes I wanted to be loved but I am not sure this is the way, I have some much to say and if I say all that I wanted to say will she be okay in hearing it. I then response to her stating that I am only going through a phase and that it will end soon. But will it ever end will she have the courage of walking out of this abusive life? Those were questions that had to be answered on another day but now I just want to be loved even if it is just for a second. My mother and I bonded throughout the rest of the day it felt good to know that someone cares. The day went on without any drama and for the first time I felt safe even if we all are going to die of the virus. When it was time to go the bed I couldn’t sleep I kept on thinking what if I had taken my life? I would have died thinking that I am alone in this world I want to thank Google for spreading some light on the situation; I want to thank my mom for reaching out. I haven’t really looked at her point of view of things and I don’t think it is easy walking in her shoes. So I am going to keep the faith.
LIFE AFTER THE TALK
Life after the talk was looking very bright my mother and I had a strong connection but yet still it felt weird. I wasn’t used to feeling love so I was a little confused and didn’t know what to do. After I thought that things were talking a good turn something bad happen. My abusive dad kick my mother out of the room for begin too kind and loving to others. My mother then stayed in my room the following night. I had to everything in my power to make her feel wanted, and that mean cooking, cleaning just giving her a time off from all her drama. As I taught things couldn’t get worse my sister decided to make her feelings get the best of her my mother already felt like she failed in life and my sister just made it worse. She said some bad things to mother, yes I understand that she hurt but she could have control herself. My dad was really rude to my sister when she was younger I didn’t really understand at that time because I was just a baby. Now that I am grown I get to experience what she felt I totally understand her pain but at the end of the day my mother did try with her. She is now in a relationship with a guy who beats her. It really breaks my heart to know that she has seen what my mother go through with an abusive man and now she is making the same mistake. After my sister had a moment of truth she broke down into tears. When she broke down into tears I felt sad and it felt like I could relate to her on other level. My sister may be going through the same thing that am going through. Not knowing how to love and how to accept love.
