One
2019
As I fell asleep, I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Like I knew I would wake up to something bad, but I never imagined it would be this bad.
I woke up to the smell of smoke in the air, my first thought was that I had left a candle burning but as I rose more from my interrupted slumber I realized there was no underlying scent of ocean driftwood, my favorite candle from Bath and Body Works. As I opened my eyes I could see that smoke was trickling in from behind the closed bedroom door and I could taste the smoke in the air. Panic started to set in. I could feel my breaths becoming shallower, each one harder than the last. I got up and ran to the door, as soon as my hand felt the white-hot handle I jumped back. It was too hot to touch, let alone open the door.
I tried remembering what they taught us in school when we were young about fires, when the firefighter with the beer gut and bushy mustache came in and taught us about fire safety, but of course the only thing running through my head right now is the fire safety scene from my favorite show The Office. In that scene one of the characters says that if the handle is hot that mean the fire is on the other side of the door.
I remember being young and playing the ‘what would you save in a fire game,’ with my friends. We would go around and name the items we would save if your house was on fire and you couldn’t carry everything. I always said I would save my childhood dog, Buster and my collection of beanie babies but that isn’t relevant now, Buster died four years ago, and my beanie babies are tucked away in my mom’s attic. My mind is blank, what do I do next? Where was Sam?
I turned to get Sam who was still asleep in the bed. We had to get out of here, now. How has she not woken up yet, the smell of smoke and heat in the air was more than overwhelming. I was sweating through cheap pajama shorts and t shirt combo. I was suddenly happy I decided not to sleep naked, like I do most summer nights.
“SAM, we have to go” I coughed out
“SAM GET UP”
I pulled on her arm, but as her wrist slipped from my grasp it fell limply back on the bed. Her shoulder length raven black hair was neatly combed, like she hadn’t moved all night. She was laying on her stomach with her head turned towards my pillow. At first glanced she seemed to just be sleeping through the commotion. I reached out and through the smoke I flipped her onto her back. Her chocolate brown eyes stared back at me, but not as they have a million times full of love and adoration, this time they stared through me in a way that told me undeniably that she was not getting up.
Before I even knew what was happening an ear-splitting scream escaped my lips, but it only lasted for a second before my lungs filled with smoke. The logical part of my brain knew that I had to find a way out of this house now or I would end up like Sam. But there was another part of me, the part that couldn’t let go of the past 3 years spent in her arms. As I knelt by her trying to find any sign of the woman I love, I fought with myself on what to do. I knew there was nothing that could help her now; her face was pale and cold and her body stiff. But I couldn’t leave her here alone I had left her one too many times in the past and I was not about to make that mistake again. My vision was getting worse and It was becoming increasingly harder to breathe as I climbed back into bed next to her. I wouldn’t leave her, not ever again.
I laid down on the bed beside her and wrapped my arms around her body, lightly tracing the small scar she had on her shoulder from where she ran into a play set when she was six. I wanted to protect her from what was happening around us, the sound of our house falling around us, the smell of our possessions burning into ash. I could feel the smoke affecting my ability to think.
As I began to lose consciousness, I heard a banging on the door. That’s weird we weren’t expecting visitors. I tried to tell them to go away through my tears and coughing, but my voice wouldn’t form words. But I was no longer alone, I felt something tear me away from her. I tried to scream, put me back I yelled, I can’t leave her. I needed her and she needed me.
________________________
Through the fog I heard a voice
“Miss, can you hear me?”
“You are safe now ma’am”
Where was I, who was this guy that I could feel was standing way too close to me? As I opened my eyes more the brightness of the fluorescent lights above me was intense. I could smell the sterilization and hear the machines making noises all around me, I was in a hospital.
“Can you tell me your name?” this man has a white coat on, he was my doctor.
“Jaci Sallow,” I managed to cough out. My throat felt like someone took sandpaper to it.
“Do you know what happened?”
I tried to think, what was the last thing I remembered? I remembered flashes, flashed of the smoke, the panic, and Sam. Sam. Where was she, is she ok?
“Sam, where is she? She was in the bed next to me. She wouldn’t get up. Is she OK, is she here?"
I start looking around to see if maybe she is here in the room with me, waiting patiently until I woke up. She was so patient with me; she always has been.
"You are talking about Sam Cesaro, it says here she lived in the house with you." The doctor was looking at his clipboard as he reminded me of this very basic fact.
"yes, where is she?"
“Jaci, I’m so sorry to tell you but Sam didn’t make it.” The doctor looked at me with sympathetic eyes, like he knew the pain that was coursing through my body at the sound of his words.
No. It was coming back to me, her eyes staring through me, her cold body that I couldn’t leave.
No this isn’t happening. We planned for a future. We had so much time left together.
It felt like a 100lb weight was on my chest, I couldn’t breathe. In the distance I heard the faint machine that had been rhythmically beeping in the background start going faster.
“I am so sorry for your loss Ms. Sallow. I’ll give you some time to yourself”
As he walked out of the room I tried to focus on my breathing, but no matter how hard I tried my breathing was still shaky at best. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I kept trying to tell myself this wasn’t happening it was just a bad dream.
I tried to focus on something else besides the ball of grief that was growing inside of me. I looked around the room. Next to me was a bunch of machines some of them were making noise, others had tubes that were attached to my body. On my left was a sink and mirror. When I looked into the mirror, I almost didn’t recognize the girl that looked back at me. Her blue grey eyes were wide with fear and panic, they usually had a softer look about them that told people they could trust me. Now this girl looking back doesn’t look trustworthy, she looks manic. I lifted my hand to try and get some of the more obvious tangles out of my golden-brown hair, but the movement of my arm sent a wave of pain throughout my body.
For the first time since I woke up, I could feel the extent of my injuries. Besides the obvious smoke inhalation, I could feel a hot, burning sensation in my left leg. I looked down and my calf was bandaged. My hand still shaking from the news about Sam, I unwrapped my leg. It was unlike anything I have ever seen. The range in color went from a deep red and blistered to completely black. The doctors had put some sort of cream on it and as it became exposed to the air the pain went deeper. The smell of burnt flesh hit me like a brick wall, I leaned over the side of my bed and felt everything that was in my stomach come out, which wasn’t much.
The nurses ran in as I pressed my call button frantically. I watched as they re wrapped my leg and put medicine into one of the many tubes I have hooked up to my body.
As I started to drift off to sleep, I thought of nothing but Sam. Her light Olive skin and thin frame. I remembered her fearlessness, how she always said what she was thinking, and when she wouldn't her eyes gave it away immediately, I never had to guess.
How could she do this to me.
How could she leave me like this?
