LOST

Thoughts and feelings; we all have them and most of the time we wish they didn't exist and this because they lead us to roads we would never think of taking. They take us on a journey sometimes a joyful and smooth ride but usually a painful and very rude awakening.

It hurts most of the time to feel and think you are worthless and live in fear that your life is one without purpose and is only filled with endless obstacles that keep pushing you further and further away from the goals and dreams you would've planned to achieve.

The most unsettling feeling is that which makes you feel like you've gotten on the wrong bus and still haven't noticed that the you're headed in the opposite direction. But this always lives the lingering question of whether the wrong path can lead you to your desired destination.

As of late, I've been getting this feeling of just being lost, feeling like I'm stuck between a space where time is just stagnant; frozen. My windows of vision are constantly foggy no matter how many times I try to clean and clear my line of sight. I'm headed towards a dead end and I am trying extremely hard to stay on the track and not get derailed because if I lose hope now what happens when I really am left alone in a dark, hopeless hellhole i've created for myself without even realising it?

My chest feels like a load of bricks has just been dropped on it. Air slowly reaches my lungs and the feeling of suffocation reaches my overworked and worn out brain. Growing up I learned and adapted the mentality that if I stayed quiet life would be easy to through but looking at where I am now I feel like that was such a big mistake and will be one of my greatest regrets. I taught myself to live in a hard shell and build a wall to shield me from ever feeling emotions.

I have grown to continuously and unhealthily keep bottling and piling up more bottled emotions on top of one another and what this has done for me is create a very unstable and very reactive bomb that is likely going to blow up anytime and unfortunately without notice. Because of the wall I have built I've became incapable to create a long-lasting connection with anyone whether it be a friendship or something more which in turn has left me in this depressing state of always feeling alone and misunderstood.

This is honestly a painful feeling because now I'm stuck in a very dangerous place in mind of constantly weighing on whether my life really is worth living and whether or not to allow myself to get brutally dismantled and mutilated by a moving truck is the best option for me right now.

To me, the way I have always seen life is like a series of events that unravel themselves very abruptly with no warning and are of course given out differently to test peoples endurance for some situations. However it is also like a puzzle whose pieces are scattered around like an Easter egg hunt and not all the pieces match with the ones you'd be currently looking to fill.