Was I Wrong?

No one tells you what it feels like when you’re the last in the friend group to start having children. Or even the last one to get married. You’ve had these dreams and expectations of everyone vacationing together or raising your kids to be best friends. You’ve quietly allowed time to pass because you’ve seen other marriages struggle and so you dedicate yourself to becoming the best you can be to minimize the problems that would come up. You know you don’t want a loveless marriage like your parents, so it makes sense to stay single than feel trapped in suffering or disappointment.

But then 30 comes along. Did you make the right decision? You were in such a hurry to be the mature, responsible one, that in your self righteousness denied the opportunity to feel loved even at your worst. You could have grown together and helped each other become the best versions of yourself instead of wrapping yourself in aloofness and morality as a barrier. Now you have developed all of these new insecurities that could have been avoided had you just let your guard down and risk getting hurt by an imperfect person when you also would cause damage to them.

What’s next? Wait till all the divorces start happening so you can catch someone who had more life experiences to shape them? Or open yourself up to be a cougar because no one your age really wanted you anyway? How do you show yourself grace when you you intentionally set unrealistic standards in the first place? How do you tell someone you might meet that you’ve never even had a first kiss because no one deserved it yet, when hardly anyone has the best first kiss they could have had. In a generation of hooking up, the Kardashians as an example of beauty, and the poise of Megan Markle, how dare you think it’s ok if someone settles for you?

What’s the first step in making this new decade different from the last? Why is safety more important than reckless passion? Will I ever experience such a thing? Or is it too late for anyone to work with me in shedding this persona? I just wanted to be the best spouse I could be. That the marriage would be healthier and happier than what I’ve seen my whole life.