THE DILEMMA

Natasha

I can’t believe I was such a fool, my entire body shivered from regret. How did I even find myself in such a predicament, I was a good girl in all my 18 years on earth, I lived by principles I had set up for myself and I did not compromise them, well until I met him, Joe who made me melt at first sight, I fell for his looks, sweet talk and just how special he made me feel. It’s not like I have never had a boyfriend before, I did but none of them made me feel the way Joe made me feel and I never allowed any of them to touch me the way I allowed Joe to. I had only kissed some of them and it ended there, but with Joe, things were different or so I fooled myself. I allowed him to touch me, and claim me in whatever way he desired. He made me feel things such that I allowed him to take my virginity. In all my years I told myself that the only man I would have sex with would be my husband and when I met Joe, I thought he was it for me ’sounds crazy for someone my age I know’

I had just finished my senior secondary and was so innocent, when I met Joe, I thought he was the sweetest guy ever, he made me believe he loved me, we could talk and text chat the whole day, and when he came back from work at his father’s company, he made sure to come and see me every single night, on weekends we would spend time together, go out on dates and take long walks holding hands. I fell for him and I fell really hard. That’s why yesterday when we went to his place after our usual long walks, I let my guard down and allowed him to make love to me, come to think of it, it wasn’t even love making, it was just sex, cause he sure doesn’t love me, I was just a toy to him.

Reality heat me in the face today early in the morning when I logged into my Facebook account only to find a notice in my news feed saying a certain Memory was in a relationship with Joe, my Joe. I couldn’t believe it and so I decided to go on her profile and what I found there left me speechless, there are pictures, numerous pictures of the both of them and from the look of things, these two had known each other for some years now, I can’t believe this guy used me to cheat on his girlfriend, I always told myself that I could never snatch another girl’s man, but this guy made me do it. I felt sick to my stomach, how could he do this to me.

I gathered enough strength to leave a comment on the relationship status saying ’congratulations, you two make a nice couple’. My heart was in a million pieces when I typed those words, but I figured it was the only way I could let him know that I was aware of his relationship with memory. Ten minutes after leaving that text, the guy has been calling and calling but I haven’t picked any of his calls so he has resorted to texting. It’s been text after text

‘It’s not what you think, I can explain’

’Why are you not picking my calls?’

’Please baby just pick up and talk to me’.

I can’t believe this guy, he still has the audacity to call me ’baby’ after what he has done to me, really, what the nerve. But I still won’t reply or pick his call, because the truth is I don’t think I have anything to say to him. Reality gave me another blow in the face, what if am pregnant, we didn’t use any protection or what if he gave me some sort of sexually transmitted disease, ooh no, please God no, don’t let this happen to me I beg you.

Later in the evening I decide to take a walk so I can clear my head and think and hopefully, if this guy decides to come to my place I won’t be around. Unfortunately ten minutes in my walk, I hear him calling me from behind but I continue walking as if I did not hear him. He won’t give up and leave me alone because in a few moments I feel him grab my elbow and he turns me around. I look at him and I realize I don’t even have the strength to get angry

‘‘please let go of me’’ he releases me quickly as if he does not want to hurt me

‘‘Tasha please just let me explain, I know you are angry and you have every right to be’’

‘‘Am not angry, am just hurt and disappointed’’ he looks everywhere else but at me, his face looks as if its full of regret, but I don’t buy it, his just pretending, his good at that

‘’how did you find me? I ask

‘’ I went to your place, but you were not there, I found your neighbor told me you went for a walk, so I figured u came here since this is where we mostly take our walks”

At his last words I feel stupid, of course it would have been easy for him to find me here. Why didn’t I go take a walk somewhere else? ‘‘What do you want?’’ I ask.

‘’Can we please talk?”

‘‘I have nothing to say to you so please just leave me alone’’

‘‘Please just hear me out’’

‘‘fine, go ahead and explain’’

“I know I hurt you, but please believe me when I say that it was never my intention to hurt you, it’s just that I have this thing with Memory and it’s kind of complicated. I never wanted to use you or anything like that, I really meant to love you. Ever since I met you, I feel different with you, it’s something new and special and I have never felt like this with any other woman. Am really sorry”

“So what? Am just supposed to forgive you and forget about it?” I let out a little unemotional laugh ‘’you must have been laughing at me all this while, stupid naïve Natasha thinks am in love with her, yet all I want is to get between her legs. Was that it?”

‘‘please don’t say that’’

“You know what Joe, I don’t have the energy or strength to talk to you about this, so please just leave me alone. And I just pray that your girlfriend will not find out about me, cause I can’t stand seeing another person suffer because of me, but if she does find out, tell her am sorry and it’s all my fault, I was the stupid one in this’’

JOE

And just like that, she was gone, I can’t believe I hurt the only girl that loved me for me, for the first time in my life. I stood there watching her as she walked away and quilt filled my body.

I didn’t mean to hurt her like that but I did, I was selfish, I should have told her about memory before we became too involved and now it’s too late because she wants nothing to do with me.

I can get any girl I want any day or time cause am still young, only 23 years old but most of these girls only wanted me for my money. None of them made me feel the way Tasha made me feel, she was so innocent and not materialistic, so beautiful yet she did not even think about her beauty like most girls did.

Yesterday when I made love to her, it was the most wonderful thing ever, I have slept with other girls but none of the them made me experience the bliss I experienced with Tasha. I know I had fallen for her and I wanted her, only her. So am not going to give up, I will fight for her until she forgives me. For now let me just get home and allow her to calm down. I will go and see her tomorrow after work.

today I went straight to her place after work but the news I have been given is unbearable, Natasha is gone, she has left Lusaka and has gone to kabwe for school, her line is not going through, and she has blocked me on social media, I feel like am going insane, I don’t know how am going to find her. I don’t even know where am going to start looking from