Tears and Triggers

-Poems written about t.e.a.r.s. and t.r.i.g.g.e.r.s.-

School

Prelude

I felt alone

and I was

physically

and mentally

for some time

I was trapped in my mind

and was unable to escape

There wasn’t a soul who cared for me

for my well-being

and I didn’t blame them

Part I

I was ostracised from my classmates

no one wanted me

I thought they would change

that I could change their minds

but I was wrong

tragically

drastically

incorrect

It only got worse from there

Part II

Summer came to an end

and my worries returned

who will I sit with at lunch?

will the girls like me now?

We joined our classes that year

I possessed a few co-ed classes

and I couldn’t have been happier

I could finally make friends

those boys

the myriad of boys

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous

I had already been shot down and stopped on

by the evil girls of the eighth grade

I wasn’t sure that I could be defeated by the boys

as well

Part III

The first day back

my new start

a clean slate

my first year in high school

I was prepared to be hated by the girls in my grade

as well as the seniors (freshman suck I’ll admit it)

but I wasn’t prepared enough

I was shit on day after day

they didn’t physically abuse me

but they hit me where it hurt

The friends

I thought I would be friends with all of the boys

but their egos were too fragile

their outer shell too delicate

their minds too naive

I didn’t give up

I didn’t want to

I was too desperate to stop

I continued

until I was too broken

Part IV

I tried so hard

too hard

I put my confidence and energy in their hands

and they destroyed it

over and over and over again

until I had nothing left to give

They were savage

they made me feel like a waste of life

that I was worthless

and soon I began to believe it

Part V

Soon

I began to cut

I dug the blade

deeper and deeper

into my skin

attempting to cut out all of the hate

and misery

that my body was occupied by

I lost sight of who I was

It got to the point where

I couldn’t even look down the stairs

or over a ledge

without wanting to jump

My life had spiraled down

My mental health was a wreck

and I was to blame

I always am

even when I’m not

Part VI

So now I lie on the floor

and write this poem

and try to breath

try to wait until the panic attack passes

if it ever does

Maybe I will be lucky enough to

fall asleep

or die

I don’t care which

and I cry

-why i am now homeschooled