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So i finally got myself a diary to collect my thoughts or share my thoughts with.
The truth is i was never comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings even with my closest friends. Maybe because i subconsciously always thought my friends might turn against me someday or maybe i don't want to be vulnerable to anyone in any way. I am a great listener though. I remember even the slightest of the details shared with me.
In general i have a lot of friends but two of my closest friends somehow always hate each other at any point of time. They have different friend circles and both of them are completely different from each other. I have no idea how i always get myself into a situation where i always have to choose between them.
Choosing between two of them is one of the hardest decisions ever. It's delicate. Because when it comes to girls, they always want their friends to choose them. I found myself alone many of the times as i cannot make that choice. I thought that if i ever chose a person, then the other one automatically turns against me because closest people hurt you the most. Maybe that's why I don't want to be vulnerable to anyone. I don't share my raw and honest opinions with anyone.
I can't help but notice that i'm reasoning my every thought like i'm trying to justify myself. I don't know if i'm telling this to myself or to you.
My family is another circus all together. When i was young, i used to think that they were perfect. I used to be a little afraid of them but i thought maybe that's how all the children feel. I used to look up to them, i used to write about them when i get an assignment to write about my inspiration and stuff like that.
Only when i grew up i understood that all this was not true. It's like looking at earth from outer space for the first time and realizing that that the earth was not flat. Don't get me wrong, i love my family. What i meant to say was that it has a lot of shortcomings which i didn't see when i was young.
I always craved for attention. Be it from friends or my family. I didn't go rebellious for attention though. I used to be best at stuff they expect me to do. I actually tried to impress my own parents.
I know parents love their kids unconditionally but somehow i always felt left out. I never felt like i could be myself with them.
I was never myself with anyone actually. Every one who knows me actually know that version of me that i show them. I some times wonder if i would loose my true self while keeping up with all the pretentious versions of myself i project.
